What do you do when your elderly old man wants to move in with you?

I live with and take care of my mom...74. The dynamic is different for everyone. Mine...she loves doing NOTHING to care for herself...and nothing on her medical chart indicates that she can't. I. Hate. It. It's misery. I've given up so much and will never "regain".

But, I wouldn't dare do otherwise...I could never live with knowing I was responsible for that. Never.

It's hard and again, yeah, I HATE it. But what do you do? All the canned answers about "oh, get away...get some help, etc." most likely don't work or don't help and usually create more issues as a result of doing so. Stuck is a good word. And she knows it.

No, suck it up and do it. It's ALL you can righteously do.

Hey! That was rock solid advice.

Looking at this harpy's posts, it's a real piece of work. It is probably her old man's beneficiary and wants to maximize the take home when the old man goes paws up.

Fuck the bullshit. Time's a wastin'.

And how many years did he fully support and take care of you?

Take it from someone who took care of both of her parents in their last years. Never turn them away. You may not have as many days left to love them as you think.

Since he was abusive to you growing up he will still be abusive now. He might let on a nice way now but familiarity breeds contempt. So eventually it might even take a year after he moved in the abuse would start again.

The smartest thing to do is tell him the truth how you feel that he was abusive to you when you were younger and because of that it is inappropriate for him to even place this upon you.

Tell him the healthiest way to live a longer life and the healthiest way for both of you is to find him an assisted living center are a care home that will accept his medicaid and social security. If he does not have medicaid you need to get him to apply right away so that he will be accepted in a care facility.

I find it odd that you failed to mention that in your first post. You only brought it up after getting lambasted by other posters.

Kind of calls the veracity of your statement into question.

.

Remember that when he wants to move his poor old mom in or something. I agree with Chip.

This is the "throw away" society. Can't be bothered or troubled by family members in need - especially when it's your aging parents that gave birth and raised you, fed you, clothed you, educated you, etc..
I bet when they pass away you'll be the first at the trough to get whatever they had.
How pathetic.
Up until the last 50 years or so families took care of their own.

Last Edited by Mr Sweet on 07/29/2018 11:11 PM

sometimes they mellow with age...maybe he's not so bad anymore. just get a new home with a detached mother-in-law living quarters for your sanity.

...a bit hypocritical for them to expect their children to do for them what they didn't do for their own parents...

so how does age make a difference ... how long did you live in his home ? Of course you husband doesn't want an older man living in his house ... but remind him, that you get what you give ...

(I'm betting that you don't have kids either and I am seriously wondering why he picked YOU to live with )

You pick out the house... with a "mother-in-law" suite or a detached "guest house" and his name is not on the deed - that's your Inheritance .... it should be paid off in 20 years, and greatly increase in value

demand that you both have your own private Space, and establish "common areas" and responsibilities including "rent" ... make him feel useful ... but don't treat him like "the help" ... if and when he shows any signs of dementia, get him to give you Power of Attorney ... seriously it sounds like you already need it - what Father would want to live with his 30 year old daughter ? You need to demand a physical too, he could be hiding something - more than loneliness

She was being vague. But I noticed immediately that she didn’t call him father, mentioned he was “stressful” and even went so far as to say her life would be over. I don’t see a contradiction, but I’m highly empathetic so these things stand out to me. :)

He could die next week selfish person.

The above is spot on. Dear God, if we have no compassion for our elders then truly we are lost as a people. You are teaching the next generation to rebuke and turn away loved ones simply because it is inconvenient. SHAME

With a user name like yours.... what do you recommend?
Sacrifice and eat them?

He just wants some memorable family time before he dies.

Last Edited by messagehalted on 07/29/2018 11:29 PM

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Are there grandchildren? Help him find a soul mate, suggest one of the dating websites. Help him find a place closer to you, maybe in the same town. It might be fun to look at houses/apartments together. There are lots of option. You can have your Dad nearby and maintain your life.

I forgot one more important choice. Tell him to sign up for a paying membership at GLP. He will love it and have hours and hours of conversation.

You need to be firm with your husband and tell him that this is your father and blood is thicker than water.

I was GRATEFUL for the time I got to take care of my parents before they died. It is a gift for them, but it is also a gift for you and you will heal in many ways through the experience.

When they are gone, they aren't ever coming back so make the most of it and don't regret not being there for him, I agree it will haunt you. Do you have kids? Let them develop a closer relationship with their grandfather.

And let go of the childish grudges from the past. No parents are perfect, everyone is striving to do the best they can with what they know at the time. People are flawed and you forgive them, it's part of life.

It doesn't seem to be extreme abuse because otherwise you wouldn't even be in contact with him, but you are.

What did your father do with his own parents?

well first i was wondering why it would be stresful and ruin your life?
second is you can just say 'no' im sure.

i mean you guys have known each other for decades and seemed to have never thought about this? I mean how does he know you like his kid but also not see how you would not want this to happen?

i feel like he would know?

"no" is always an option. one that he has to understand.

also he could just move to the same state in a small apartment 30 mins away from you :)

Last Edited by T-Man on 07/30/2018 05:21 AM

Horrible advice from someone with poor reading comprehension.

He has money. Help him move closer, but not into your house.

Help him move into a luxury assisted living facility then leave the country. He will steal your peace.

Whatever is mine is mine.there us no turning back.

Just send him a link to this thread. Once he reads your comments, you will never hear from him or his estate attorney ever again.

Get a place with an attached Apt. Tell him he. Can't bring ALL his stuff. Compromise can be made both ways. Not big fan of nursing homes myself. Maybe he has the money for an addition to your house?