How do I get to know my daughter?

Hard thing to do. I split up with my wife for just a few months and I’m still trying to get the relationship back with my 13 year old. She harbored bad feelings toward me for the whole thing. Yours probably does also, even though not admittedly.

Pay her Uni bills, so she can become an Historian, or Art Appreciator.



J/K

Just take her out for nice meals and coffees, when the Law allows you to.

Do not put her on your lap for some laps.

That's a good start.

Well you've planted a seed there then, because honestly that has never crossed my mind in 9 years, not once. I hope you're wrong, but maybe there is some resentment. Maybe that's something I can talk to her about? I hope things go well with your daughter, thanks.

First off. Understand that you cannot make up for lost time.

Now, spend time with her. Talk to her like she was someone you wanted to get to know better. Dont judge. Dont advise.
Dont try to fix her her life. See the trend here?

If you want to get to know her, this is the trick. Now if yo suddenly want to be Daddy ....thats hard.

Spend as much time with her as possible. If every waking minute is possible, then do so. Take her places, take her on vacation. Take her to dinner, movies, etc etc. Talk to her, listen to her. Go to her school events. Just be there.

This happened to me as a young lady op. Just be nice. Take it slow. Try being her friend 1st, not her dad. Ask her what she likes doing, what kind of boys she likes, etc.
Maybe get her a cat or dog that you keep at your place. Make her a beautiful room with her favorite colors. Take her shopping and just have fun. Get to know her and show her that you know her. She will certainly know you love her.
Do NOT bring a new woman into the situation. My dad had a new wife and I despised her. He brought her when I 1st saw him after many yrs of absence. It felt like a trap, like he was forcing me to accept her. Before he did that, we were laughing and having fun. Teens are a little crazy so never force anything on her. Be her best friend.

That's what I come here for! Perfect.

She'll come to you when the time is right...All girls want their fathers. My wife and her dad did this in her early 30s, lucky they did as he passed away shortly afterward. Just be the rock you never could be now that you are there and don't let anything change that once you commit to it, imo...Just go with the flow. :)

Kudos on staying close enough to even be in this position. Not many do nowadays.

I don't know if all of this is true. Seems to me you are Daddy, the only biological Daddy she will ever have. Be that.

Kids have all sorts of resentments. She probably has a ton of resentments against her mother, because that's typical of mothers and daughters. The main purpose of the family bond is to get kids to adulthood. Resentments are nature's way of pushing them out of the nest. You don't want her clinging too much to you do you? She's got to find a man to settle down with and have hear own family. A good relationship with you will help her, but don't be needy with her.

The past is the past, nothing is ever undone, but nothing needs to weigh us down either. It's like a moving tape, just move on.

1. treat her like an adult. she's not a baby.
2. ask her if she has any hard questions for you.
be honest with her.
3. she'll ask you why you divorced, don't blame the mom, it was you and tell her your feelings at the time and your choices. Let her decide if she accepts that answer.

4. tell her that as a dad you would like to (fill in the blank) ask her how you should accomplish that.

5. use WHOLE messages, that's a sentence starting with I see, I think, I feel, I need. Never use the word "you" when talking to her because that's an attack.

WTF?
find a man and settle down?
LOL

yeah, mansplaining... don't do that to a daughter.

Last Edited by Agent 99 on 08/17/2018 04:55 PM

I would only correct this, in that we don't know "it was you" any more than "it was the wife". Don't take guilt because a woman, even a well intenioned GLP'er, tells you to. Really you were probably facing issues that the daughter has not successfully dealt with herself, adult issues can be hard, so don't give her credit for being able to judge this. She doesn't want that credit. She wants you to be Dad, and even though imperfect like everyone, to be strong enough to help her.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to assign blame to myself (yourself) here. That doesn't mean ex gets blamed either. All daughter has to know is it didn't work out, and as much detail as you choose to provide.

Agreed, but I think I understood the point, and perhaps not meant to be taken quite so literally. Appreciate all the input so far, and some really good ideas, and things to think about.

When she is 18 smoke a joint with her.

What do you mean, where was the mansplaining? There wasn't. If you mean men can't explain anything, you've just revealed your nonsensical beliefs.

Maybe she won't want to find a man and settle down, but whatever her adult life plans are, she needs to get on with them and not spend too much energy reliving what was a difficult episode for anyone.

Pay her her back allowance. ; )

I suspect as you spend more time with her and you both get more accustomed to each other that your relationship will grow stronger. Some things just take TIME.


quote:BoatyMcB0atFace:MV8zODkwNzU4X0Q1RUFCMDMx]
I split up from her mother years ago, and because of that I missed a huge part of childhood, which breaks my heart to think about. Shes's a teen now, and we see each other regularly nowadays, and I love her dearly, but I feel there is something missing whenever I see or think about her. How do I go beyond this superficiality, and get to her know and understand her better and in more depth, and as if I had lived with her as her father for her whole life (I realize that won't be completely possible, but at least then to better the situation). Any ideas?

mothers who poison their daughter(s) against the father regardless of who was at the higher fault for the relationship destruction
is the majority of the time the cause of the inability to go beyond superficial

also because there is a disconnect with you as the father figure
there are certain tensions that would never be there if you were in the home the whole time

these tensions are at the subconscious layers
even though it's actually felt, neither of you would ever identify why unless someone actually told you the dynamics

I won't go into any further detail, as I don't want to add anything else to the situation, especially if what I were to say isn't actually in the dynamics
only in face to face relationship counseling could it be discussed as possible contributing factors


my half sister was like this with her father
the mother poisoned the kid from early on
the teen years hit and poof she disappeared out of everyone's lives on her father's side of the family

then after having babies of her own, she now is seeking some sort of connection with her father

you may have to wait some more time and go at a pace slower than pouring molasses in the antarctic

Last Edited by Still-Here on 08/17/2018 09:48 PM

Go on the session with her op


Hope you get what you want

Tell her how you feel. Tell her you are sorry for the time lost and you love her more than anyone. Be there for her and make sure she understands you won't ever leave her again.

No. Be a role model

Why are you stealing my old name?

Time and Talk....

Bro, if you needed GLP to tell you that your daughter holds resentment and anger towards you over the separation, might I suggest that you're simply too dumb to connect with her?

That's like asking why your ex-wife's new husband is fucking her and not you.

OP, take what you wrote in the first post & tell her that to her face.

Take her to a gynecologist and pay for her birth control pills. That's what a real dad would do, unless you want her to be a single mom before 18.

There is a fine balance that you need to find.

She is going to want to start breaking away from parents naturally as she gets older. Gaining independence. Becoming a woman.

You trying too hard may meet resistance that isn’t what you’ll think it is. Give her space.

It’s not just dinner. Or coffee. Be there when she needs you to be.

I was fortunate when I got divorced. My kids were old enough to decide custody. And they picked me.

My relationship with my daughter went from daddy’s angel ... to her period ... to a roller coaster of living with a young woman through her teens. Now that she is 20 ... she is back to daddy’s angel. Just a bigger pain in the ass.

Read books on Parental Alienation Syndrome. Go from there. I am there. After years of mind control from a sick spouse and a deterred court system.

[link to freedomofmind.com (secure)]

According to Dr. Baker, there are seventeen primary parental alienation strategies that have been scientifically identified. They fall into the following five categories:

poisonous messages to the child about the targeted parent in which he or she is portrayed as unloving, unsafe, and unavailable
limiting contact and communication between the child and the targeted parent
erasing and replacing the targeted parent in the heart and mind of the child
encouraging the child to betray the targeted parent’s trust
undermining the authority of the targeted parent

Parental Alienation is a form of undue influence in which one parent deceives and manipulates the child to feel fear, anger, disgust, or other negative emotions towards the other parent. The alienating parent may attempt to instill false memories of abuse or phobias about the other parent in the child’s mind. They may encourage the child to spy and tattle on the other parent. In other words, parents who unethically alienate their child against the other parent use similar tactics that cults use to distance their members from family, friends, and ex-members.

Last Edited by Beetlepumprr on 08/17/2018 11:33 PM