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Progressive Rite of the Perpetual Confession

 
Timur2020
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01/11/2019 08:53 AM

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Progressive Rite of the Perpetual Confession
[link to thefederalist.com]

THE RITE OF PERPETUAL CONFESSION

"The penitent is brought before the congregation, clothed in sackcloth and ashes.

Priest: In the name of the Ruth, the Bader, and the Ginsburg.

Congregation: Amen.

Priest: Beloved brothers, sisters, and gender non-conforming siblings of the faith, we have gathered to hear the confession of our fallen friend, to mourn his sin, and to determine if he is fit to re-enter tolerant society.

The priest addresses the penitent.

Priest: Do you have sins to confess?

Penitent: I do. I confess that, in the past, I unthinkingly embraced the popular moral attitudes of the past instead of unthinkingly embracing the popular moral attitudes of today. Likewise, I frequently used a term that was not, at that moment, considered offensive instead of presuming that it would be considered offensive at the current moment.

For all of this, I apologize, both to those individuals I hurt and to those individuals who weren’t remotely involved but still demanded an apology from me because what are grievance-studies-majors-turned-Twitter-scolds going to do with their lives?

Priest: The penitent has confessed his sin and vowed to do better. Does the congregation grant him forgiveness?

Congregation: No.

Penitent: What? Why not?

Congregation: Because the core doctrine of the Woke religion is that righteousness comes from maintaining perpetual outrage at the sins of your neighbor. And granting you forgiveness would require us to let go of that outrage and thereby lessen our own holiness. So to preserve our sense of moral superiority, we have to stay mad at you forever. Trash you are, and trash you must remain.

Penitent: Seriously, there must be something I can do.

Congregation: Penance, penance, do the penance!

The penitent makes a sizable donation to Planned Parenthood, Time’s Up, or another organization of Alyssa Milano’s choice.

Penitent: Behold, I have made amends.

Congregation: Just kidding. Making amends is white privilege, bigot.

Penitent: You know what? Forget you guys. At least my family still loves me.

The penitent’s niece rises.

Niece: For the record, I’m ashamed that someone with such problematic thoughts shares my DNA.

Congregation: The bus, the bus, throw him under the bus!

Penitent: Guys, please. I’ve worked so hard to build the career I have. I have kids who depend on me. I never meant to hurt anyone. So please don’t hurt them just because of something dumb I said 20 years ago. Please, if you take the Oscars away from me, the only thing I’ll have left is playing the Danny DeVito role in a reboot of “Twins.”

Christopher Plummer rises.

Christopher Plummer: I am the new Danny DeVito now.

Penitent: Oh, come on!

The old Danny DeVito rises.

Danny DeVito: Guys, I think you’re being too hard on the Penitent. Just let him host the Oscars.

The congregation kills Danny DeVito...."

Hilarious!