Sheesh, I had a heart attack last night

allergies, do you normally have them? could it be your body going through a sort of withdrawl? eat onions and garlic, lots of them! get some sweet onions and through them on your salad, half an onion. roast a whole bulb and it will slip right out of the shell with a fork and it's tasty! I think this will help you with the allergies.

Okay, I have to admit that I just smoked an half a cig....yes, I bought a pack.

I'm only going to say that I'm having problems with my son, and he just blew up on me because I asked for my house key back, because I needed to give it to someone who could actually be there for me.

When I was in the ICU I texted him and told him I had had an heart attack and was in the ICU, and would he come to take me home. He only lives an half-hour away. He said he was too busy, and then hasn't even inquired how I was doing since then. This is not the only time he's shined me on where health issues are concerned.

It fucking wrecked me that he blew up on me, so I bought some cigarettes because I was such a mess.

I will see about throwing them away when I get myself calmed down.

What kind of son doesn't care about their mom like this?....it hurts terribly. I haven't said anything here about it, because I'm embarrassed.

I don't actually want to say anything else about it, it hurts too much. I've just got to adjust.

Wow, harsh actions from your son, bummer. : (
You'll quit the cigs, I know it, just takes a bit of time.
God bless you!

Last Edited by LTHN. on 03/06/2019 06:42 PM

So sorry to here CG. I'm sure the issue with your son hurts emotionally, even more than the physical pain of the heart attack. Hopefully that situation resolves. Take care and get well.

Prayers

Check out this thread Cosmicgypsy, this might empower you with the quitting smoking.

Thread: You are breaking out of the 3D reality

Last Edited by LTHN. on 03/06/2019 07:08 PM

Oh sweetie, so sorry to hear about your son! Nothing to be embarrassed about because you deserve so much better. You have no control over his inexcusable behavior and don't need to apologize for him or make excuses or feel bad about it! Now nothing more said on it like you want, but I just felt a huge need to say it!

Hang in there! We all here are pulling for you and love you just so very much!

Praying for you to fully recover!

...I was just going to remove my last post, but I'm too late.

I'll be okay. I don't have any more tears about it. I cried all those out on Saturday.

I really have no idea what his problem is, save that he just can't handle his otherwise strong mother being sick, or he just doesn't like me.

I really don't know where to go with him....save for it's all up to him now. I'm not going to ask him for a single thing more. I can't deal with the stress where he's concerned, nor anymore heartbreak.

I'm finished with it, and need to move on.

....it's rough when they don't care enough to care.

I just cried my eyes out on the phone with my best friend.

I dunno, it's going to be hard, but I just gotta pick up these pieces, and get them also mended up.

If I had done something to deserve this, then I'd know why he's being like this....but I haven't.

I'm brutally honest with myself, and I can't find one single reason for him to be this way with me.

I'm going to have to move on. I'll get back to work next week, and that'll keep me busy.

As my best friend told me, there are many, many people who love and care about me.

I'm going to hold on tight to youse guyses and others' love for me in the following days.

It's all I have, and it really is a lot. I'm very grateful for my friends here.

I love youse guyses, and thank you for loving me back....

Yep. At first you think about it constantly, then the urge probably hits you super strongly once a week, then its only when you smell it. Even that loses its power after a while.

I quit officially 20 years ago. After the first 6 or so years, I was safe to have one once in a blue moon without picking up the whole pack after.

I still go through two days of hating people after that one damn cigarette though.

I'm so sorry CG - you deserve much better than that

I know people whose kids/partners bailed on them emotionally when they got sick. In those cases, I don't know that it was a lack of caring or love/liking - I think it was more fear of death, or their own selfishness was greater than anything else. No matter what, though, it sucks and it is not what you need at this time. It must hurt a lot, poor thing.

They say you don't choose your family, but you DO choose those you surround yourself with, so hopefully you have many people who WILL be there for you. Just please make sure you let them :-) . I have a feeling asking for and accepting help is not your strong suit! This will be good practice, because I have no doubt that there are many who would love to show you how much they care about you, and how important you are.

Hugs to you. Don't worry about the small wagon you stumbled off of - just move forward the way you were going. You are doing great!

Heh, smoking some cigarettes right now is not messing with my head. I will get back to not smoking, but it's not going to be right now.

I'm like a wide open bloody gash right now, I'm in fucking hell, and I'm not going to further stress myself out by fighting with the addiction on top of my kwappy hurt.

I was doing so good, so I'll be doing good again.

I just can't even deal with it right now.

I know you're going through a tough time, but the sooner you quit the better. Don't let them be a crutch. You don't need them.

Oh I wish I could be there and just hug the shit out of you!

Don't be embarrassed, you didn't do anything wrong. It's ok to vent, nobody is going to think anything bad, we all have family problems.

you are going to be ok, it takes time to quit. they probably going to make you feel like shit so that may be motivating enough to cut back even more. make it difficult to smoke, lets say you want one. Make yourself walk a mile in the park first then have one after. Don't smoke at home, get out of the house and make it a rule to only smoke at the park or something.

Ok, My family is my trigger as well. I can have quit .. literally not be a smoker, visit my mother and go to the nearest gas station and start smoking again. The triggers are the biggest hurdles for me. Even seeing a character light up in a movie.. and it seems there are many?

Last Edited by rewind on 03/07/2019 10:03 AM

Just do not know what to say or do. I send good thoughts your way.

Don’t feel guilty. Smoking a few more months is not going to impact you as much as the stress is. As I mentioned, I have quite 5 times over 40 years. Once for 5 years, 3 times for 2 years and twice for one year. The last two attempts were brutal. I believe they have made it more addictive if that is possible.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008. They could not believe that I did not quit smoking but I tried. Dealing with fear of dying beside the withdrawal symptoms i.e., breaking down into tears, being consumed with the need to inhale nicotine and eating myself into 20 more pounds was the result. I lost my temper on the job and to this day, have been framed as a mean person because of it. Quitting cigs requires a plan.

Stress is the killer. Australia did a study of patients with high and low cholesterol - finding that those with high cholesterol sometimes lived until their 90s, and those with low cholesterol levels could end up with a massive heart attack.

I am sorry to hear about your son’s lack of empathy. I blame society, again, for the lack of an unconditional bond between parents and their children. My friend had a stroke and is now paralyzed on her right side. Her difficult daughter now has full control of her and will not allow my phone calls to reach her. She has built a brick wall around her mother, whom she physically assaulted as a young teen, and my friend, being a pot smoker, at the age of 45, during a visit from the Houston police when family argument erupted, had a bit of weed in her bedroom. This child of hers stood there while her mother was handcuffed and taken to Harrison County jail where she spent the next 7 days in a cold jail cell, because her daughter and her husband stood there and let my friend take the blame for the weed. (What happened was, my friend said, “I am going to call 911 if this violent argument does not end, and actually pushed 911 - and then hung up...cops showed up due to that and walked into bedroom where my friend was and saw the weed on her bed). Now, she is at the mercy of a very angry child.

My advice - Get your life in order and then begin focusing on fine tuning your lifestyle. If you do smoke, get the very best tobacco, untreated with fire retardant, turn off all distractions and enjoy every inhalation, while thinking of the day you will no longer be smoking and that this is your long good-bye. Do not take it deep into your lungs at all puffs. Slowly...Wean. Smoke half the cig, before the tar builds up, smoke one cigarette less a week. Pick the worst times of the day you struggle and plan for activities that will distract from the body’s demand of nicotine and the habit.

Now is the time to make the plan, pick a date and possibly target that date for when you will begin a new lifestyle: Join a gym. A walking program. Buy new clothes. Treat yourself to lovely meals in or at a restaurant.

You need to keep supportive people around you. Apologize to your son for whatever it has been that has left your child unconcerned. Explain to him your heart breaks just interacting with him and that this is lethal to you right now.

Don’t beat yourself up over this.

So many good souls sharing in this thread. I notice in my life's saga with cigarettes, the first time quitting is the easiest and it does seem they are 'made' more addicting, who knows? I do know Marlboro was the worst quitting. They do something to those cigs that just isn't right. Truth: I got up a few mornings ago and threw a tantrum, broke some dishes(need to replace them now) and then got a pack of cigs.. for no reason other then I had to change my mood.

Kids are their own things and we can go insane expecting them to be a certain way.

I suppose if love is acceptance, we have to love who they actually are and not the image we have created for them.

I doubt there is much that can really undo the love a mom has for her kid, even if they might disappoint.

That is a sort of god-on-earth love and has it's own beauty.

There might be a teaching moment in this, at some point. Don't forget, we are our children's most important teachers.

Let your love flow.

Last Edited by Eilonwy on 03/07/2019 10:23 AM

I did want to add that my friend, now 68, was a nurse in the CCU, had a master’s degree in education and came from a solid family. The failure of her husband and her teen daughter to cover for her caused her to end up working the night shift in a nursing home (Worst. Job. Ever.). Not to mention, they did not even try to come up with bail to get her out of jail, did not visit her, and she was a tiny thing, 5.2, 110 lbs.

Switch to a corn cob pipe and some organic tobacco. It will help break the habit and not as toxic. You will save a lot of money and it does not smell as bad either. You can just have a little puff in private to ease the transition. Get extra filters for the pipe and change it often. You will get the hang of it. It worked for this old lady.

I roll my own as well. More due to cost as I am destitute. I believe my support of Trump has landed me on a list. When I am down to nothing but butts in the ashtray, i put tobacco in a pipe and toke off it to ease withdrawal. This is a brutal life.

Cigs here in Florida are 7 bucks a pack. Way more than I can afford. Cost has caused me to reduce smoking to about 5 a day and my cough is nearly gone.


As an aside, I need to beg for car payment. Don’t mean to derail thread but if I lose the minivan, I am doomed. Please forgive me.

[link to www.gofundme.com (secure)]

Last night I did message with my son....well, I first messaged his girlfriend asking her if my son even told her I'd had a heart attack. She didn't answer, but son about a half-hour later messaged me.

Long story short, because his girlfriend's mom had a heart attack and they kept her in the hospital for a week - like 20 years ago - he seems to think I'm fine....but I never said I wasn't fine. I asked him how neither him nor his girlfriend could not contact me to ask me how I was doing.

He then had the fucking nerve to tell me I'm not a victim in this. Heh, nothing totally pisses me off more than to even insinuate or intimate that I have a victim mentality. Given all the fucking work I've done in my life to deal with actually being a victim - and I've overcome it ALL - it set me on flames when he did like he did.

When I woke up this morning I instantly started crying. I hadn't even had a thought yet. Eyes open, tears falling. That hasn't happened too much in my life, but when it does I know how deep in emotional dooty I'm in.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm on the verge of a fucking panic attack, but I'm breathing through it.

Part of me is standing strong and thinking I just need to let go of him, because life is waaay too short for this bullshit. If he weren't my son, I'd tell him to fuck off and die in a dark corner....I really don't tolerate people fucking with me.

The other part of me is his mother....how can I just let go of him? This is the part of me waking up in tears.

All I want right now is to be out of my body. I don't mean dead, just out....out of this near panicky feeling. It sucks, big time.

There is not another single person on the face of the planet I would allow to wreck me like he's doing.

That's what is bothering me, that I'm letting it go on within me JUST because he's my son, and I love him.

I know there is not a single thing anyone can say to me or do for me to help right now....I guess I'm just venting.

I am at such a loss within myself....and I have got to get right inside of me. Stress is the worst thing ever for me right now.

I am just keeping on breathing right. It's all I can do to deal with this shit this morning.

Last Edited by cosmicgypsy on 03/07/2019 11:13 AM

That one little emoticon has me crying again.

I guess I'm just going to have to cry all this bullshit out, because I don't know what is reasonable for me to do...how to handle this.

I hope I get it figured out sooner than later.

And thank you, Chip for your kindness towards me on this thread.

You can be as tough as nails, and I'm seeing you can be truly comforting as well.

Thank you....

I'm just going to get back to doing some stuff around here. At least it will keep me busy.

I really will be happy to get back to work next week. I don't like sitting around here....much less sitting around here and freaking right the fuck out.

I talked to an old friend yesterday. She is 98. She does not want to live anymore because she is so upset at how poorly her children care for her and how upset she is over the choices her offspring are making.

Point being, find a way to deal with it, it might get worse. LOL

I play a little repeating song in my head to block out the painful thoughts. My children have broken my heart too. Everyday, several times a day I replay the little song to protect my heart. You can only do as much as you can and then let it go. It does no good to grieve all the time.

Ain't no way in hell I'm holding on to life until I'm that old....but I don't think I'm going to have to, either. My health issues just seem to keep piling up higher and higher in the last 1.5 years. I've started seeing an Internist about the source of the systemic inflammation I've been told I have. He ran some specific blood work on me, and my "Anti-DNA(SS)lgG,Ab,Qn level was off. The normal range is 0-19, and my reading was 94. I don't even have a clue what that means, but I see him tomorrow, so I'll find out then.

I still have to do a colonoscopy and endoscopy, but that got delayed because I have to have a clearance from the cardiologist before they can be done....but I won't at all be surprised if one or the other show something, especially the way things have been going for me health wise.

Bleh, I'm upset right now. I'm not suicidal, at all, but getting to exit the planet is a kind of comforting thought to me. I'm sure it's a comforting thought to more people than just me, too.

We're almost all fucking tired of this bullshit.