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Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?

 
Serepta Ann

User ID: 50910996
United States
05/27/2019 09:28 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Toxic is toxic, mother, father, brother, sister, friend....for me it was my older sister (and as usual everyone thinks she is perfect, except close family) I shut that shit down years ago. after a few years thought I'd give it another try and leopard don't change it's spots. Now days I will speak if I have something to say, but daily contact...NOPE...don't need toxic. The important part is to make sure for your own peace, forgive them, keep your distance but honestly put it behind you and forgive
You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you will lose yourself every time

Serepta Ann

esse quam videri
Zoink
Odious Tumulus

User ID: 12343871
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05/27/2019 09:38 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
About to cut two more, too
Ash Nazg Durbatulûk, Ash Nazg Gimbatul, Ash Nazg Thrakatulûk, Agh Burzum-ishi Krimpatul
StarFlowers

User ID: 50402681
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 09:55 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
About to cut two more, too
 Quoting: Zoink


You should record or film secretly their behaviour and rants, then you have evidence, the moment they start threaten them if they don't stop, spread the shit.
StarFlowers
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76638891
United States
05/27/2019 10:18 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
I cut out my toxic family, my mothed, and my step daughter. Life is so much better without them it's amazing. I don't owe you shit if you're just going to be a cunt 24/7.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 56563724
United States
05/27/2019 10:28 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Yes. Both of my parents were abusive and now I'm in an abusive marriage, recently coming to terms and trying to figure how to get out. You are not alone. Everyone seems to have gone nuts, abuse, confusion, disorder is now the norm. It'll be a great money-maker to be in the mental illness industry these days.
anonymous coward
User ID: 76076258
United States
05/27/2019 10:35 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
I tried but my dad became the TERMINATOR.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 75211114
United States
05/27/2019 10:35 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
My father has been physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me when I was a kid living at home. He was the same way to my mother.

Now he’d dare not lay a hand on me, but the emotional and verbal abuse has continued.

Today he screamed at my son, his grandson, for a perceived slight. My son apologized several times but my dad refused to accept the apology.

My mother passed a few months ago due to cancer, and my father was incredibly cruel to her to pretty much the last day as she lay on her death bed.

Today though, when he was screaming at my son and I intervened, he started in on me.

That’s the last straw. I’m nearly 50 and he’s in his early 70’s.

I’m genuinely done. It sucks, but he’s not going to change and I’m tired of fixing things for him. He’s never apologized for anything he’s done, ever.

Anyone else on GLP have to go through something like this?
 Quoting: Had it 76432271


You will be better off. Haven’t spoken to my prick old man in 10 years.
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 10:37 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
No. Every generation has it easier than the last. If you don't understand your parents and why they are the way they are, you don't appreciate or deserve them.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77674829


Obviously you've never had an abusive parent so you can't relate. Even understanding the why they are abusive does not alleviate the problem because the problem IS the abusive parent.

The only way for family members to survive is to cut the cord. A difficult decision but when your own sanity is at stake - when an abusive parent cuts you mentally into thousands of pieces - then cutting the cord is mandatory to save yourself.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 10:43 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Is there such a thing? Do you expect your parent to outlive you?

There will come a time when you have to care for them as they exit this world.

If you have nothing to inherit from your parent, then you don't have to worry. You're crying and complaining about having to care for a parent is your shame.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 55611245


Caring for an abusive parent is saving your own life from complete mental/emotional destruction. A tornado of abusive cruelty eventually kills your own spirit.

Caring for a loving parent is a horse of a totally different color.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 77561172
United States
05/27/2019 10:48 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
I cut them all out. Father was physically & emotionally abusive, cops I called ignored the bruises & believed his story that I fell so ran away. Years later he tracked me down-cops were as helpful as always when I reported harassment & even showed a note he left saying he was going to take my cats. I had to get myself to the point where I was willing & able to beat him to beat him the next time he showed up at my work or home, & I told him this & also that all those years of abuse might come out & I did not know if I would be able to stop-I might kill him. I had to mean it, & I did. I had to tell him twice when he called me before he left me alone for good.

I am extremely nonviolent, passive, & submissive to a fault. I save paper tp/towel tubes to move bugs outside & will not support factory farmed food. Now I even have learned helplessness from getting into one bad relationship into a worse one (I am safe now.) Looking back I see the seeds of my current learned helplessness where planted when my father attacked me I learned not to leave any marks on my abuser or the cops might arrest me (I scratched my father when he attacked me & the cops asked him if he wanted me arrested!)

He died completely alone-the 2 daughters from a previous marriage wrote him off, & I was told his other relatives cut him out when he kidnapped me when I was 2. GET AWAY FROM THAT PSYCHO BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Make a note of every failed attempt to ask police for protection. Let him know call is recorded when you tell him to leave you alone (& record it-there are awesome free apps.) Tell him because of his established propensity for violence if he goes against your wishes & shows up where you live/work you are going to assume he is there to hurt you & defend yourself accordingly. Buy a gun, & be prepared to use it. It's a shame you have feelings for him, ice cream & Happy meals stopped buying my love when the alcoholic got custody of me when I was 11 & started really beating me. My mother was mainly just a selfish c*nt, till she killed my cat-cut her out of my life after that.
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 10:48 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Don t feel bad for it. Some parents are assholes.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77677085


And they never should have had children. It cramps their life so they take it out on the children.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
Hawkshot

User ID: 76631897
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 10:51 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
My Mother..Twenty year's ago..She passed away two year's ago..She was as cold as ice and never once told me or any of my sister's she loved us...not once..Never went to her funeral..The beatings i took from my step-father under her orders will never leave me..Now i have four beautiful grown up children who i adore.
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 10:54 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
No. Every generation has it easier than the last. If you don't understand your parents and why they are the way they are, you don't appreciate or deserve them.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77674829


GET LOST.
understand outright physical and verbal abuse ?
yeah,it's been understood that she/mother was a mental case BUT was specific where she directed IT.
think we were disrespectful,negligent whatever ?
get lost.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 67653786


You feel that sorry for yourself. Make it all about you. I love my parents dearly. Warts n all. They love me dearly warts n all. Look at poor Dace today. You selfish cunt. I don't give a fuck about you but if you don't face reality and appreciate how you came into this world and under what circumstances you were brought up, you deserve everything you bring on yourself. Grow up. Don't leave it too late. Every regret will be yours and yours alone.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77674829


You're full of crap. If you had a happy childhood, thank your lucky stars. There are plenty of children who were taken from their homes because their parents abused them either sexually, physically, or verbally because one or both parents are assholes.

Until you've lived through parental abuse, you can not tell someone to honor their parents when no honor is deserved.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 75797262
United States
05/27/2019 10:55 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 11:14 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
I never had the problem, but don't feel guilty if you have to cut him out of your life. It sounds like you've been a great kid. It's time to live YOUR life without the aggrevation. You deserve it. The stress will kill you, and he'll still be alive. Life is short. Time to be happy.
 Quoting: nutmeg


Excellent advice.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 11:15 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
No. Every generation has it easier than the last. If you don't understand your parents and why they are the way they are, you don't appreciate or deserve them.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77674829


What??. Lol... Such Boomer horse shit.. every generation has had it worse economically than the last since the 60s.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77510098


This post isn't about economics, it's about parental abuse.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
Catnip

User ID: 76102966
United States
05/27/2019 11:19 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
My parents were my parents and did the best they knew how to with the information they had. On many levels my mother was a slut and a total bitch. Hence my father worked 20 hour days seven days a week. However , if we wandered over to where he worked it stopped doing What Ever he was doing and often took a break and took us kids out for ice cream or a soda. (smile) I tended to not be at home alot as a kid. And my mother did not mind. Unfortunately a few times i had to go home to get something and more times than i want to admit i walked in on her doing the nasty with different men. Not my father who was her husband.
Later in life when my father passed away she was suddenly alone. Very Alone. My brothers wanted nothing to do with her. And were planning to put her in a nursing home. NONE
of her former sex partners showed up to take her in. I felt that it was my last chance to get to know her. So took her
in for a dozen years. I did get to know her and how/why she
was the way she was. She never smiled or laughed during that time when she was with me though would if a single older man talked with her. Still over the years i stopped hating her. And felt a degree of pity for her and the tormented life she lead.
 Quoting: grover 76326459


A perfect example of a parent's torment taken out on her children.
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"
dodger007

User ID: 22553901
United States
05/27/2019 11:42 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Thanks all. I don’t provide assistance or ‘care’ for him. He’s up and about on his own. He’s not bed-ridden or anything like that.

He’s just - abusive. He’s been that way to me and mom since I was a little kid.

Today was it.

It’s killing me because I still love him, but he’s crossed the line the final time.

And to the person who said he’d never change; you’re 100% correct. He never has and never will. If it was hurting me and/or mom physically or emotionally... *sigh* it’s just, he’s not going to change.

I’m done.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 76432271


Can you dig into his family history to try to understand why he is so mean, angry and controlling? Is there abuse in his past? An illness or head injury?
Your mother had her reasons for marrying him, hopefully love.
With a very difficult relative, what brought me peace was a message that floated into my brain during a sleepless night. “ The purpose of your life is not to judge her/ him” .
If you can not love then just respect the role he played in bringing your life into the world, then let the rest go.

I would do so from a distance.
No more need for you to experience abuse and for sure:
Protect your child from his damage
dodger007
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76638889
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 11:46 AM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
No. Every generation has it easier than the last. If you don't understand your parents and why they are the way they are, you don't appreciate or deserve them.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 77674829


You are right.

Everyone deserves forgiveness. No matter what.

I agree with you.
bleep

User ID: 52923498
United States
05/27/2019 11:58 AM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
It’s ok to cut ties from anyone toxic, especially if they’ve been that way forever.

One exception I learned....my step dad became a real asshole, he used to be a great guy with a positive attitude, then gradually was so mean and pessimistic and opinionated to the point where you couldn’t listen, or you would be so down - about everything. Well turned out he had cancer and that was taking a huge toll on his mental state. So we made amends. But even now, if he gets to that pessimistic state and is trying to influence me or my kid to look at the world like its shit, we dont hang around. We don’t need butterflies and rianbows, and we can sympathize at times for the pain, and try to help him, but not to the point of hearing all his opinions and then feeling like shit. Still trying to figure out boundaries but its getting better.

Last Edited by bleep on 05/27/2019 11:58 AM
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76638889
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 12:04 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
There is no reason why OP has to completely cut herself off from her father.

What the OP needs to do is learn how to stand up for herself, instead of just ghosting people.


The OP is not thinking about her father.


She's only thinking about herself. And her own interests.


She is being selfish and self-centered.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76521890
United States
05/27/2019 12:06 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
There is no reason why OP has to completely cut herself off from her father.

What the OP needs to do is learn how to stand up for herself, instead of just ghosting people.


The OP is not thinking about her father.


She's only thinking about herself. And her own interests.


She is being selfish and self-centered.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 76638889


All predicated on your own opinion, which in turn is selfish and self centered.
bleep

User ID: 52923498
United States
05/27/2019 12:07 PM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
There is no reason why OP has to completely cut herself off from her father.

What the OP needs to do is learn how to stand up for herself, instead of just ghosting people.


The OP is not thinking about her father.


She's only thinking about herself. And her own interests.


She is being selfish and self-centered.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 76638889


She should be thinking about her own interests and the interests of her child.

Sometimes leaving is a lot better then gearing up for an unnecessary battle.

Last Edited by bleep on 05/27/2019 12:07 PM
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76638889
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 12:08 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Question for you guys -

Do you think ghosting people is morally ok?

"Ghosting", as in... completely cutting off all forms of contact with someone, without notice, an without giving them a reason... or anything else.


Like... just completely disappearing from someone's life... forever.... and ignoring all attempts of the other person's contact.

Wikipedia definition - [link to en.wikipedia.org (secure)]
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 77339002
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 12:08 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
cut out my whole biological family. all 10 of them.

last saw most of my biological family in 1993. saw 2 of my biological brothers back in 2005 along with my biological mother.

my biological father i saw for last time in 2007.

don't miss any of them.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 77339002
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 12:10 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
so last time i saw 10 biological family members was 12 years ago

family limits your development
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76984449
United States
05/27/2019 12:11 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Thanks again everyone.

I’m still very upset by all this. It’s keeping me awake when I need to be asleep.

He’s never had to be accountable for his actions. His acts like the perfect Christian around his friends. They have no idea how he really treats his family behind closed doors.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 76432271


He’s a malignant narcissist. Definite personality disorder. Teach your son about this and protect him from your dad. And of course protect yourself.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 76638889
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 12:13 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
There is no reason why OP has to completely cut herself off from her father.

What the OP needs to do is learn how to stand up for herself, instead of just ghosting people.


The OP is not thinking about her father.


She's only thinking about herself. And her own interests.


She is being selfish and self-centered.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 76638889


She should be thinking about her own interests and the interests of her child.

Sometimes leaving is a lot better then gearing up for an unnecessary battle.
 Quoting: bleep


She's acting like a child.

She's treating her father like someone who deserves NO love, compassion, kindness, and respect.

She is not being empathetic by doing so.

A strong and compassionate person would not cut someone off who loves them.

Only a weak person would.
bleep

User ID: 52923498
United States
05/27/2019 12:15 PM

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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
Question for you guys -

Do you think ghosting people is morally ok?

"Ghosting", as in... completely cutting off all forms of contact with someone, without notice, an without giving them a reason... or anything else.


Like... just completely disappearing from someone's life... forever.... and ignoring all attempts of the other person's contact.

Wikipedia definition - [link to en.wikipedia.org (secure)]
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 76638889


Generally, no one owes you shit. Not even an explanation

If you are responsible for someone, a child for example, or if you’re in a contract, like a marriage, or a buisness arangement, and you run off without an explanation, then no it’s not ok, and there are consequences.

I’ve been ghosted, and it hurts. All those who ghosted me tried to come back. I don’t ever talk to them again. You reep what you sow.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 77339002
United Kingdom
05/27/2019 12:16 PM
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Re: Anyone else had to cut a toxic parent out of their life?
you'll notice people who remain with their families don't develop.

i've seen it with all groups, for example, chinese and mexicans.

they do the same "dance" with their family into old age so they never grow up