Father: has anyone else got to a point where they want to tell there father to fuck off

My mom told me he had asked her several times 'Why can't I just die?'

As I stated earlier, my dad and I were not close. But I am with you, I don't want to end up in that situation.

I have told my wife that if I ever get in that condition, just put a bullet in me and throw me on the burn pile.

Mean to him? I was never mean to him, so save your judgement. Thanks for the suggestions, but your delivery wasn't very kind.

No one is kind anymore its a cold world and like the bible says

12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

[link to www.biblegateway.com (secure)]

it's going to be OK.
you can't measure things by a past standard as it all has changed to a different level now-i gather your father has a terminal illness and cannot get any better ?
just don't go through this in fear----most out here already been thru it and did fine. HE IS the priority,his comfort,his ease and peace.
regarding the eating--if you know what he enjoyed,give it to him BUT only a small amount and on a small plate--just give it to him--if he refuses,don't get upset-simply say OK..try another thing later.ASK him what can anyone do to help--if he sez leave me alone then simply step back,not isolate,step back-wait,he'll tell you when he's ready to.---
i remember w/my dad,he was literally dying,not eating was also present & a problem, but one day he wanted a chinese take out thing called "happy family" was sea food,pork,chicken and rice of course--i went out & got it and he could only manage a teaspoon or 2 but it made him happy-omg what an argument went on w/my mother over his eating that--what the hell was the problem ? the sodium ? FFS he's dying and knows IT,we know IT- let him have what he wants.
even try shot sized glass of pepsi,tea etc-keep portions small-he might say what the hell is this ! but that has him thinkin and talking.
everything will be OK---you know what to do. he is the priority.

Mother yes, dad no

That's a sweet memory. I'm sorry about your dad.

My dad doesn't have a terminal disease. He has Parkinson's (for 13 years) and major back issues that have gotten to the point where he falls all the time, and can barely walk or even stand. There are days when he can't move at all. If he falls or he is in bed and can't move, he could be like that for an entire day.

I went with him to a neurosurgeon a week ago, and his words to my dad were that his back "is a mess." My dad had back surgery 3 years ago and it did nothing. This doctor told him that with my dad's age, the Parkinson's and rigidity, the surgery would be be much longer up his spine, the recovery would be longer and there was NO guarantee that it would improve his life. I asked the doctor if physical therapy would help my dad, and he basically laughed.We left there feeling like there was no hope for my dad.

A few months ago, when he was in one of those paralyzed states, the way his right arm was positioned cut off the blood flow. He now has very little use of his dominant arm/hand and has to rely on his left arm which was the bad one. He can't really feed himself right now.

He is also supposed to be going for brain surgery which could help with his Parkinson's, but I'm pretty sure they won't do it if my dad is this malnourished.

I've been trying to explain to him that if he eats and drinks water, he may start to feel a little better. I think the difficulty walking and the falls and weakness have a lot to do with his legs just literally being bones. I've also told him that he has to be healthy and strong for the brain surgery which I really do believe can help my dad.

My plan is to call my mom every day, starting first thing in the morning, to make sure that he is eating. I can't give up.

Thank you for the advice and sharing your experiences.

My dad doesn't have a terminal disease. He has Parkinson's (for 13 years) and major back issues that have gotten to the point where he falls all the time, and can barely walk or even stand. There are days when he can't move at all. If he falls or he is in bed and can't move, he could be like that for an entire day.

I went with him to a neurosurgeon a week ago, and his words to my dad were that his back "is a mess." My dad had back surgery 3 years ago and it did nothing. This doctor told him that with my dad's age, the Parkinson's and rigidity, the surgery would be be much longer up his spine, the recovery would be longer and there was NO guarantee that it would improve his life. I asked the doctor if physical therapy would help my dad, and he basically laughed.We left there feeling like there was no hope for my dad.

A few months ago, when he was in one of those paralyzed states, the way his right arm was positioned cut off the blood flow. He now has very little use of his dominant arm/hand and has to rely on his left arm which was the bad one. He can't really feed himself right now.

He is also supposed to be going for brain surgery which could help with his Parkinson's, but I'm pretty sure they won't do it if my dad is this malnourished.

I've been trying to explain to him that if he eats and drinks water, he may start to feel a little better. I think the difficulty walking and the falls and weakness have a lot to do with his legs just literally being bones. I've also told him that he has to be healthy and strong for the brain surgery which I really do believe can help my dad.

My plan is to call my mom every day, starting first thing in the morning, to make sure that he is eating. I can't give up.

Thank you for the advice and sharing your experiences. hf

Last Edited by Anonymous Girl on 08/19/2019 12:02 AM

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my my my what a pompous azzzzhole of a neurosurgeon you were exposed to. what a shame and waste of valuable time.
sometimes i really believe a veterinarian would show both their patient and family better care and respect.
Hopefully this moment in time is simply temporary for your father --why not ? it could be a passing feeling of hopelessness due to being dependent--i am wondering would he "behave" better w/outside help and not family ? but dammit do know the limitations of medicare etc but would he qualify having such a degree of care needed ?
you had a good idea, physical therapy and physical therapy in any form wouldn't hurt-mygawd even floating in a pool -under supervision of course- would help- i think he would like it,eh ? what the hell is wrong w/these physicians ? maybe even splinting that right arm a couple of hours a day would help improve circulation ?
mygawd,no one innovates a treatment plan directly along the lines of the presenting problems and sets goals ?
seems like we have to do everything and then try and find the correct physicians WILLING to try.

went thru that w/a good friend--spinal injuries from a car accident,nothing really done inspite of verified damages from cervical spine to thoracic to lumbar,been unreal.
Same replies--back's a mess,surgery's inappropriate,can't guarantee...etc same bs.
So she winds up on medicaid,another joke and gets basically the exact same news over and over and has been in a wheelchair due to no real intervention for almost 20 years--that was their remedy. a wheelchair.

keep strong and supportive esp for your mom as she is as they say-the primary care taker,

Yes, and I don t regret it. Respect is a two way street.

________________

my my my what a pompous azzzzhole of a neurosurgeon you were exposed to. what a shame and waste of valuable time.
sometimes i really believe a veterinarian would show both their patient and family better care and respect.
Hopefully this moment in time is simply temporary for your father --why not ? it could be a passing feeling of hopelessness due to being dependent--i am wondering would he "behave" better w/outside help and not family ? but dammit do know the limitations of medicare etc but would he qualify having such a degree of care needed ?
you had a good idea, physical therapy and physical therapy in any form wouldn't hurt-mygawd even floating in a pool -under supervision of course- would help- i think he would like it,eh ? what the hell is wrong w/these physicians ? maybe even splinting that right arm a couple of hours a day would help improve circulation ?
mygawd,no one innovates a treatment plan directly along the lines of the presenting problems and sets goals ?
seems like we have to do everything and then try and find the correct physicians WILLING to try.

went thru that w/a good friend--spinal injuries from a car accident,nothing really done inspite of verified damages from cervical spine to thoracic to lumbar,been unreal.
Same replies--back's a mess,surgery's inappropriate,can't guarantee...etc same bs.
So she winds up on medicaid,another joke and gets basically the exact same news over and over and has been in a wheelchair due to no real intervention for almost 20 years--that was their remedy. a wheelchair.

keep strong and supportive esp for your mom as she is as they say-the primary care taker,


The surgeon was OK, I think he could have been worse, but he did nothing to lead us in any direction to improve my dad's health. My dad actually cried in the office at the end. We were so hoping that we were going to be given some type of option and we didn't get anything.

I definitely agree about a vet showing more care. This man gave us quite a bit of time, almost an hour I think, but no hope.

Oh, something you posted also reminded me that for about 5 years they have increased his Parkinson's meds for what now turns out to be mostly his back. His family doctor has told my dad that he has never seen a Parkinson's patient take as many meds as my dad does. I actually wrote a letter to his neurologist and my sister faxed it explaining the above and begging her to help us. Her office called my dad to set up an appointment, so I know she is on his side. I do think being on all of those meds that he most likely doesn't need is doing him harm...so hopefully we can get him off of some of them.

He had his arm in a splint for weeks, but then it was just taken off and nothing. I recently bought him some rehabilitation balls and finger things to try to help him gain some movement in that arm. I put his hand in a bowl of water the last time I was there and moved his fingers and stuff. When I put his hand flat on the table, and tried to get him to lift his fingers, one by one, he couldn't do it. I could feel a little pulse in his fingers, but he couldn't lift them. I printed off exercises he can do with the ball and put them in a binder for him. I also did some for his legs, all that he can do while sitting in a chair.

I also agree about the physical therapy, that's why it upset me when the doctor laughed. My dad has the posture that comes along with Parkinson's. He's completely bent over which doesn't help with his balance or the falls. To me, if we can straight up his posture a bit, that should give him some type of benefit somewhere.

20 years for your friend? :( I have very little faith in the health care system. My dad has gone from doctor to doctor to doctor and no support. It's only when we faxed that letter to his neurologist and he spent 6 days in the hospital recently that we started getting some direction.

My fingers are crossed for the physical therapy. And that's all I keep telling my dad. If we can just get everything moving a little bit, and he gains some weight to get some strength back and regain muscle...things can turn around.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing. :)

(I think this may be my longest post on GLP ever)

Anonymous Girl

WE all just need to keep trying and expecting a breakthrough.
wait'll they suggest you go for counseling as "they" think we're delusional whatever LOL
I have a now 40 year old son w/autism and have been thru the mill and the wringer for 38 years --they did nothing beyond frying his brain w/antipsychotics while behaviour modification was out there and could have been at least tried along w/minimal medicating when needed. NO, give him this-"what you say ? the medications are making him worse"?
They never listened and now admit that some have adverse reactions ,become violent etc--back when, i was accused of withholding their drugs,wound up in court,they took my son,but blood tests proved a "therapeutic level" was on board and i got him back home-of course he's still on high dosages,he has to be on high dosages,he developed tolerance and again,they refuse to even try to wean him off and we can't due to the real possibility of a severe outburst and me being responsible-what people go thru w/these doctors and watch their friend and family members deteriorate right in their face and no one can do anything ?
LOL when one told me to get counseling--told her i was getting counseling and when she asked for the name, i simply said John Walker....dr john walker--LOL johnnie walker--she didn't get it thanks gawd i imagine or else they'd start bs on me self medicating LOL nah, i can't as i have end stage chronic renal disease thanks to THEM and their medications for high blood pressure along w/MS progressing....
WE are strong and resilient--you too.
anyway,look what we did to this guy's thread !
bwaaaahahaha

OP ? mods ? it happened spontaneously.
please forgive us.

anonymous girl ? see ? YOU're doing fine,it will all be OK.
take care.

Most isn't that kind of stretching it?

My father was part of the boomer generation that had life super easy since there was no war that he had to participate in.

During his time young people were able to pay for college with a minimum wage summer job.

During his time your average job paid living wages.

During his time your average home cost was probably around 30,000 dollars.

During his time medical costs were very reasonable.

So please explain to me why they went through hard times? All I saw was my parents generation had life handed to them on a silver platter with how easy it was compared to today and they totally squandered what was handed to them through living like selfish kids.

Hell, I can easily tell my own people to get bent. It's not hard, when you only have a last name or something in common and nothing else.

Stick a big black dildo in his ass. He’ll stop bothering you.

I wish I had the chance to travel to Hawaii with my son and father. Kids hit out of frustration in communication. You're lucky to have a dad who wants to be involved. Did showing your child and father who is boss make you feel better?

You are a very very ill person.

That's terrible. It's just nonstop pill pushing and if you have several doctors in the mix, none of them know or care what the other is doing.

I'm assuming you're in the US. I thought you had at least better doctors there or choice.

I'm sorry to hear about your health as well, and take care as well.

in a way,for quite a few of us,we wind up in managed care.
for my son,i did pay out of pocket for evaluations,EEGs etc but made no headway for the future outcome or changes that could get done.
for self ? LOL ! all ready spoke to my family regarding my own prognosis and that i have had enough of these doctors and the bs system.

kids hit out of frustration....in communication ?
IF you permit your child to slap you around under any circumstances, you are truly a fool.

It's all just very depressing. It really sucks that so many people spend YEARS looking for answers or support for loved ones and still end up with next to nothing.

I called my dad's case manager today. She revealed some things about her conversations with my mom...like how she believes my mom thinks she can handle all of my dad's needs on her own (but she really can't). The nurse also told me that she had tried to talk about "long term care" for my dad with my mom, but that she could tell my mom didn't want to talk about it. I was too scared to ask what exactly that means because I still believe the physio can help. I feel like "long term care" might be taking him out of his home and for me, that will be the last resort and something I really don't want to do.

the boomers from hell secretly want to see us fail, and hold onto power for eternity. Their envy and desperation is sad to witness, whilst they are only hurting their descendants and heritage. Because they have no logos they cant stop themselves.

Time out standing against a wall works better, especially in public.

It is truly sickening how demonic their generation still is. No other generation in human history is as wicked as the Boomers.

My parents gave me a life, that's about it. No hugs, no emotions, very few times we were all together. They actually did fuck off. If your parents were good to you, be good to them because they put up with you.

I'm afraid that's true.

Its like they hate their own children. WTF cant they see they have ruined everything? All the while they lived during the golden age but will stop at nothing to burn everything to the ground.

Parents do the best they can do with what they have to work with. You might not agree with everything they do, but they usually have your best interest at heart. He is the patriarch of the family and believes it is his place to give advice. You figure you've been doing OK without his advice and his parenting wasn't so great, either, so you don't want to hear what he is selling.

Take heart - in another 20 years your kid will be on GLP talking about being sick of his father always telling him what to do, too.

It's the Circle of Life.

YOU ARE A BASTARD S.O.B.

YOU WERE MOLESTED AND BEAT INTO SUBMISSION AND NOW YOU'RE DOING THAT TO YOUR OWN KID...

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

Boundaries. Set up better boundaries.

Parents don't automatically fit into your adult life.
In an adult child relationship they have parental roles.
As adult to adult they have the role of supporting us as ADULTS.

Having an alcoholic for a step dad, yes. My mother picks winners for sure. I vowed to never marry anything close to what my mother brought home and am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful husband.

That about sums it up.