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Knowing God...True Faith, My Journey, My struggle, My Cross. Christian, to Agnostic, to "Something Else"

 
AceWestfall
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Knowing God...True Faith, My Journey, My struggle, My Cross. Christian, to Agnostic, to "Something Else"
From the time i was a baby and a child I was in and out Churches until i graduated high school.
A few years after high school, i realized that after everything i was taught and learned that I had nothing tangible. Nothing real. Did I believe, yes I did. Did I believe in hell at the time, it was neither here nor there.

I remember sitting at my job as a Flagger, and giving religion and jesus a good long hard thought. I realized that throughout my life, everything I was taught was useless to me, and did nothing for me. So i took matters into my own hands, and dropped everything I knew and began seeking a higher power in earnest.

I read many scriptures, researched many religions, approached it from a atheist perspective looking for wisdom and knowledge. I looked at astronomy and saw how everything had to be just perfect (according to evolutionary theory) for the Earth to come into being and support life.

I looked at how our genetics/cell/body are so complicated and relies interdependently on each other to function. One part can't work without the other.

I considered the extinction of Dinosaurs according to evolutionary theory and realized that Humans wouldn't evolve without that asteroid.

I considered Mathematics, and how it governs the Universe. With laws and theories.

As I thought and pondered these things, I deduced that it must have had a designer. Everything worked together to form our existence as we know it. It couldn't have happened by mere chance and dumb luck.

Once I had that figured out, I began to think about human nature. And why we are the way we are as a society. Everybody pursues what they desire. Whether it be money, power, love of partner, family, personal achievements etc.

I considered why cultures wage war and conquer other people. Sometimes it was out of survival and trying to take resources that were scare to survive. Other times it was out of greed, a desire to rule over people.

I realized everything isn't black and white, good vs evil. Things are blurry and grey. That no man could possible judge and determine what was right from wrong. Some things are blatantly evil and some things are good.

I returned to scriptures reading anything and everything I could find. I read the Bible (KJV), Book of Enoch, Book of Mormon, Gnostic Gospels, including a 1k+ page Gnostic Bible, Apocrypha, and the Book of Wisdom, and some other odd and end scriptures. I still have the Quran and Dead Sea Scrolls I would like to read at some point in my life.

I started to draw inspiration from King Solomon, who desired wisdom above all else. I started to desire wisdom, and I studied Solomon's teachings. To find out what Solomon truly ment.

I researched the Historical Jesus, and discovered the NT is heavily influenced by Paul, who persecuted Christians, and claimed that Jesus came to him. He squashed out the writing and teaching of the people who truly knew Jesus during his lifetime. One time when James and Paul had a disagreement, Paul claimed Roman citizenship as protection from James and his followers. I realized the NT was one sided. To the victors go the spoils. The Church leaders that were in power at the time, got to handpick what went into the bible and what didn't. I began to believe the core message of Jesus and believed that wisdom was spread throughout all religions. I used common sense combined with intuition, and sincere desire. I seeked earnestly, refusing to be deceived by "Satan" and man jockeying for influence and power.

My eyes began to open. I saw the world for how it truly is, how society truly is. How the elite hoard power and money, how the middle class live their live's somewhat carefree, and how the poor struggle to survive.
I noticed how when you go to Church, the majority of them are elderly or young children.

When you brought up the topic of religion, you always get the same responses.

Either they shy away from it, get angry about it, or they become your best friend. People don't debate anymore, they don't SEEK. They either have a belief and hold firm to it, or they give it an afterthought, and have half-hearted beliefs they don't truly keep in their heart.

When a church group comes knocking at my door, and i start to talk to them about beliefs and religion, they tend to shy away from a true conversation and always have outlets/blanket statements. They don't go deep with it. They spout their doctrine, like something they memorized.
Or they fight back aggressively, like they are damned if they are wrong or there is no room to build upon there beliefs. They don't see room for other religions/texts outside of the bible. They won't build upon their beliefs, or tear it down and start over sincerely. Even worse are the people who have power that will use that said power to put you down or censor you, and quoting scripture to go with it. Just like the Pharisees and Sadducees did.

At this point, i realized that if a person truly wanted to get to know God, it has to be something intimate and personal. You don't know how you can reach out to the other person and change their heart...that's the Holy Spirit's job. Our job is to fellowship with people, jewish and Gentiles, Believers and Non-Believers alike. To exchange ideas and beliefs, and let the Holy Spirit do its work.

I took a good long hard look at myself, figured out who I really was. How my experiences in my past and my decisions formed me for who i was. My outer personality, my inner personality, my desires, my weaknesses, my strengths.
I looked at what I could've done better, and what I was proud of.

I judged myself. I looked at how I wronged other people and acknowledged it to myself, sometimes apologizing to the individual. I made a sincere effort. The more sincere I became, and the greater the effort i made, the more my mind began to open. The more I noticed. I began to perceive things I didn't before. I wasn't blind anymore. I began noticing something I couldn't describe or put my finger on communicating with me subtly. Guiding me, nudging me along.

there were times were I was confused, times where i was proud, times where i was angry, times where i was hopeless,lonely,sorrowful,joyful. You name the emotion, I've experienced it in my journey.

Things fell apart in my life, and I've had to rebuild and start over numerous times. There were times were I didn't want to live anymore, times where I was so frustrated that everything kept going wrong, I just wanted to give up. Getting out of bed was just a struggle. During my journey, I kept praying, kept thinking about God. Looking back, I realized the Holy Spirit was there the whole time, providing me with just enough strength and hope to keep going, to keep enduring. I realized that if I didn't go through these things, then other things would have never happened, and I wouldn't be where I am today.

I did all of this, out of curiosity and a craving for something real, something tangible, something beyond Blind Faith. I put in the effort, i was sincere, i endured, i struggled, I questioned everything, i humbled myself and admitted "I don't know", Help me. God saw that, and he responded.

Last Edited by AceWestfall on 12/22/2019 09:28 PM
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Re: Knowing God...True Faith, My Journey, My struggle, My Cross. Christian, to Agnostic, to "Something Else"
This is a response I had to somebody who was looking for God, and was crying out for a clear sign.

Re: GOD DOESN'T NEED ME...What Am I Here For?
God is:

Omnipotent

Omniscient

He can do it all by Himself, for Himself.

I don't want to be here anyway so what is His point in keeping me here?
Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13358554


True Christians have walked in the shoes . Thats part of the journey. Being hopeless, full of disappointment and bitterness. I can post scriptures about this to support it, but it seems to me you are looking for something beyond scriptures. Beyond words on paper. I get that, that is the right attitude to have.

I started out in my Faith, by discovering who I am. When I say that, I mean, of how I came to be. How experiences in my past molded my nature and my personality. How these experiences formed my beliefs and my confidence (or lack of) in humanity. I asked myself what I truly wanted in life, what would make ME happy. I evaluated myself, trying to be as non judgmental as possible. I think started thinking and trying to remember every time i majorly wrong somebody in my life, and acknowledged it to myself and to "whatever is out there". Sometimes i even swallowed my pride and apologized to those people, (I one time slept with my stepbrothers girlfriend). As I did these things, i actively tried being a better person, the best way i knew how. The more I tried, the more natural it became.

You don't need a church to follow God, in fact most people who truly follow God do not go to Church, because they see the flaws with it.

The thing is, when you are a follower of God/Jesus, material wealth does not come along with it. What can be gained is spiritual wisdom. You can see things and the world through a different set of lenses.

I sense that you are aware of the cruelty of this world and the lack of love. Again scriptures say that this will happen.

Keep praying. Praying is not a wishing well. True prayer is not getting on your knees and reciting incantations and saying "in jesus name, amen".
Prayer is about having a intimate and personal conversation with God. Imagine it similar to talking to a significant other, being intimate emotionally with them and showing your heart to them. Except with a person, you are talking to the Holy Spirit.

You may say the conversation is one sided. I've been there as well. But I kept talking, or at least "thinking to the Holy Spirit". My conversations/prayers is very rarely audible. As I grew in my faith, and became stubborn to believe anything else but the holy spirit I started noticing things. I would have a thought and all of a sudden a comment off a TV show would answer me, saying the perfect thing to me. That is when faith comes along. Its like the Holy Spirit KNEW you were going to think that thought at that exact moment and the TV show/commercial responded to you coincidentally.

You can also receive responses in music if you listen to radio stations alot. The perfect song comes on or a certain lyric hits home with you the moment you start having thoughts and emotions about something.

It can also be something subtle as the wind dieing down slightly the exact moment after you think/say something or the wind picks up. It could be a flash of lightning.

The scriptures say keep watch, keep watch and pray without ceasing. Always be on the lookout for a response. At first it may seem insane, and it may be coincidence. Sometimes that's all it is, is a coincidence, but more times than you thin k the Holy Spirit is responding. Sometimes the Spirit will place thoughts in you and emotions/feelings in you.

The more developed/mature/strong in your faith, the easier and easier it is to pick up on these signs.

Most people today are distracted, taught other doctrine, don't know what to believe, they miss out on these small and subtle responses.

Most people worship a book, or a collection of books. Be careful not to fall into this category. Worship God, and remember there have been plenty of followers of God who did not use or need scriptures to have a relationship with him. Abraham, Jacob, Noah, Enoch for example.

I am confident, that if you are sincere you will look back and see how Jesus was with you the whole time while you were suffering and seeking him.

You will stand with him, instead of "working and serving like a master/slave relationship" , you will see Jesus as a somebody closer than a brother. Be careful not to fall into the category of "kiss-assing" just because "he is the Messiah".

Speak plainly with Jesus, speak to him as if he was standing right beside you. Look past his titles and what he has done for humanity. Get to know him. I envision Jesus as being more lonely than most people realize. Imagine if YOU were Jesus, knowing you were the Son of God at an early age, how much of a burden must that be, tasked with teaching, and guiding humanity. Look past all that, put yourself in his shoes, get to know him beyond his job title.

I picture myself standing Shoulder to Shoulder with him, with a spiritual sword in my hand prepared to fight in time of war, and sitting beside him laughing and goofing off in time of fellowship. I picture Jesus and I telling each other how we really feel inside, about our true opinions on life, on humanity, on why people do things. Jesus never married (according to canon) so I have discussion with him and ask him hard questions like how would he know how a marriage should be if he has never experienced it. My own personal belief is that he was married, or at least had a significant other. But that isn't "canon" and a popular belief.

I could cite a good argument of why he was married, but that is neither here nor there.

I also enjoy wrestling with him, and being his sparring partner. Sometimes I even think I win. Jesus knows how to push my buttons, my tender spot so to speak, and they are pushed on occasion. During these times I lash out with fury and wrath. Being merciless, not giving two shits if he is the Son of God, or the Messiah. Afterwards he usually gives me my space, letting me cool off a bit. This is the type of relationship I have with the Divine, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else.....Well there is one thing....and he knows it.....A good woman.

…32I want you to be free from concern. The unmarried man is concerned about the work of the Lord, how he can please the Lord. 33But the married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:32.



My response to somebody putting down people who have a mental illness.

Everyone lives in their own personalized psychosis.

No two of us believes 100% of what another person believes.


Knowing what I said above, is it true that psychosis is a mental disorder? If so, can you not see how the virus of personalized psychosis is dividing the human populace into smaller and smaller groupings. Where does the trend end?

I envision this mechanism much like a vortex where the fracturing will continue down to the personal level and there destruction awaits.

I am not the delusional one. It is the masses who are enabling degeneracy and sin into their lives.

The writing is on the wall and it is plain to see that we are approaching Armageddon. The war that will attempt to unite the survivors into a new world order...
Quoting: Deep1111




I have schizo-effective disorder. Very similar to Schizophrenia. I inherited it from my mother and her mother before her. I am a male just getting ready to turn 30.

The symptoms started for me when I turned 22. I dropped out of college first because of it, then they symptoms ramped up when my steady college sweetheart left me saying "I was trying to get through life, and she was trying to do things in life".

I've been in a psychosis 3-4 times in my life the past 7-8ish years.

When it happens, its never the same, but it is similar.

You start seeing images of people you know inside of other people. You hear audible voices that are invisible. You get deja vu's like you've been there before.

Emotionally you feel as if you are on top of the world and YOU KNOW you are right, like you have been directly chosen by God Almighty himself for something. Then you hit rock bottom emotionally.

Other times you feel hopeless, and not want to do anything (lay in bed for days at a time), one time i was in a vegetative state for like a month. Not taking care of your hygiene, not eating, nor going to work.

You lose focus, and can't hold down a conversation.....you start to lose your train of thought easily, and your thoughts become a "blur".

You turn to alcohol/drugs to "escape" reality/existence.

You start to have strong beliefs that seem real to you, no matter how much people tell you. I've been to "spiritual" (not physical) hell once, I've time traveled. I've had deja vu's of being to "heavenly realms". I've had deja vu's of being inside my mothers womb. I've SEEN death, and 2nd death. I know the difference between being unconscious and being conscious of being dead.

During these times I have an invisible best friend, a fellow warrior so to speak, and I have an enemy that I am fighting tooth and nail.

I've held a conversation with the Archangel Gabriel, I know what its like to be omnipotent/be in two places at once (had a conversation with my spiritual self, which was alive on its own). I've long held the firm belief that I am Archangel Michael in the flesh or a prophet. Or at the very least, try to become like him.

I've talked to a dog before, I've been a warthog before, and a Dragon and Superman in my dreams. I've wrestled and nearly killed an Angel in a vivid dream. I know what its like to be alive before the world was ever formed. These things I can picture, like Jesus has been showing me what it's like to be him.

I have a invisible spiritual wife/girlfriend/consort that I talk to while I'm awake, and I dream of and spend time with while I'm asleep. She comforts me.

Thats part of my experience. It is a blessing and a curse. These experiences happen, and then they are gone, each like a test or a trial or a tribulation.

Call me crazy, you wouldn't be the first. But I have seen/imagined/felt/experienced things that a normal human person can never imagine, and is very hard to describe. Both good and bad. It has changed me, mostly for the better, even though at first appearance its for the worst. Worst Physically, better emotionally/spiritually.

I've lost EVERYTHING to this illness, but what I have gained in return is more precious to me than anything physical you can give me.

I have NO FEAR of death, or hell. In fact I invite death, looking forward to the Resurrection. So if Armageddon happens like the way people assume and think it will happen, i will be laughing like the Joker off batman, with a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand.

So go ahead, put me down, say my destruction awaits. Puff yourself up, be thankful you don't have what I have. Enjoy what life you have, be cold and uncompassionate towards people in my situation. Let us be an afterthought towards you.

We will see what really matters to you, what lesson's you have learned in life, and how you deal with suffering and trials, and LOSING everything, including yourself, when YOUR ARMAGEDDON happens, and the True Jesus shows himself to everybody

I'll be smiling

---------------------------------

This is a my rant I had. This is how Satan attacked me during my journey.

When I was a youngster in school, I had a deep patriotism about me. My father was a cop briefly, and it influenced me. Around 10-12 years old, I wanted to be a police officer. I wanted to "catch the bad guy" protect the "good guys".

9/11 Came around, and I remember seeing my stepmother pacing while talking about it on the phone all afternoon.
I remember being angry and wanting to do something about it, being only 12 years old.

High school came around, and I had a study hall class as a freshman that also doubled as a civics class for Seniors.
Marine recruiters came and talked to them and played this video for them.

I was Sold on the spot. I KNEW i wanted to join the Military. This was a few years after 9/11 mind you.
I decided I wanted to join ROTC to become an officer to have influence, an intelligence officer.

So I enlisted in the Army National Guard, and a month out of High School, and I was in basic training, pursuing my dreams of wanting to protect people. I maxed my PT test in Basic and AIT, and finished as the #1 Distinguished Honor Graduate at my AIT, for Information Technology Specialist.

I swore an oath to PROTECT AGAINST ALL ENEMIES, foreign AND DOMESTIC. It ment something to me when i swore that oath.

After basic training and AIT, I went to college. Joined my Unit, and then I saw the harsh reality. Here I was getting ready to turn 20, naive and full of determination and hope, and a hard work ethic.

I took my military science classes, jumped through all the hoops to qualify being contracted in the ROTC. Some of them aren't easy.

Well at this point I had been in the Army National Guard for a few years now. I discovered that it wasn't want I thought it was. I was looking for comradeship, honor, virtue, you know all the good things that come with the occupation that they teach you about.

Well I discovered that it was nearly the same as high school. Drama everywhere, people jockeying for power and control, looking to make themselves look good. Not based on achievements and work ethic, but based on your personality and who you could become friends with.

I discovered that a semester of voluntary uncontracted AIT was even worse. My fellow Cadets (i wasn't even considered a Cadet), all had this snarky better than you attitude because they were contracted and promised a commission. These kids have never been to basic training, they had never had the possibility of being deployed hanging over them. They were put in a position of power, and used it to puff themselves up.

The leadership above them promised and promised me I would be contracted once I found myself a unit that would accept me as a cadet, and then an officer. And i passed my PT test. I did both. I had paperwork going back 2 1/2 years proving that this was what I wanted to do.
Come to find out, it was a numbers game. They just wanted bodies there at ROTC to boost their reputation. The more people in ROTC (think of walk-on football) the better for them.

THAT IS WHEN MY EYES TRULY STARTED TO OPEN.

I look at America today, and it utterly disgusts me. I'm ashamed to call myself a American.

Where do I start with the problems of it. First off Capitalism...thats a joke. Look how that faired out.

I work at a Fast Food place, been doing that for the past 7 years. As a 30yr old with 7 years experience in the food industry, and a military background (even when I apply at a new restaurant), I get minimum wage, the same as people who have no experience still in high school.

The prices on the food, one order pays my hourly salary. And I can make upwards to 30-60 orders and hour.
This is the mentality companies have. The owners of these corporations. It is borderline slavery. Meanwhile these owners get big tax breaks and pay next to nothing.

Now that I'm on taxes...Look at how taxes work.

You work a job (that you are taxed on), to pay for a house (that has sales tax), and every year you must pay a property tax on for something you ALREADY own.

You don't pay your taxes, they can take away your home from you and kick you out if the bill gets high enough.

Over the years, I've been diagnosed schizo-affective. So now I've had firsthand knowledge of the medical side of things as well. First of all, our doctors are not taught to treat anymore. They are taught to prescribe. To give us these shiny pills to make everything magically better. Half the time the side effects are worse than what these pills treat.

These pills are designed not to cure, but to give you a placebo effect or next to nothing band-aid. They keep you coming back to get more and more pills, so you can pay these pharmaceutical companies. Thats when insurance comes into effect.

There are laws that force us to get insurance. Car/Medical insurance. We (not I, but most people) pay these premiums, and once and a blue moon needing to use them. (Think of how many times you actually used the insurance you pay for). And when you do, they nickle and dime you, to pay back the least they can. Medical insurance makes us only get the generic brand of medicine, and not the name brand "good" shit medicine.

Car Insurance companies rather paying for lawyers to nickle and dime you down and find any reason or (make up a reason) to not dish out what you payed for. Meanwhile millions of Americans are paying into it on a monthly basis.

Now lets get to the Government Assistance part of it. I'm schizo-affective, with a debilitating mental disorder. There are sometimes I can't even function. So i seek out SSI or Food Stamps etc. for assistance to help me survive. Come to find out the system works against you there. For SSI, I must be out of work for over a year before I even quality (how the fuck am I supposed to survive that year with no income). My symptoms get worse as I get older, causing me lose a job multiple times, and damn nearly putting me homeless on multiple occasions.
I am DIAGNOSED by a doctor with my disorder, should be enough right to get assistance to help me survive. If by some miracle i get it, it would only be 765$ ish a month, which is less than I make at fast food, AND I would not be allowed to work while I am stable mentally or else I would lose it.

A few weeks ago, because I just relocated again, I tried calling this clinic to schedule an appointment with the a psychiatrist. It took me two weeks of calling (during business hours) and leaving 5 messages before I finally get an appointment. These people get to sit on their asses doing paperwork all day, no manual labor, so you think they would be able to pick up a damn phone.
Anyways I finally get my appointment, but come to find out it for 2 days later from the time i found out.

Ok great, at least I have one. So i then call this service that comes and picks people up and take them to their appointment when they have no transportation. Come to find out, I have to have my updated address in the Medicaid system before they can come get me, (like i'm going to lie about my location and they cant take my word for it, why else would i be calling this service).

So I do that, i call medicaid, and update my address, only to find out it takes upwards to a week to update in the system and then it has to go to the transportation service system to update....by the time this all happens, its past my appointment time and I can't make it. Again, wtf am I supposed to do.....I jump through these HURDLES that hinder and prevent me from doing what I need to do, only to be stopped in the end. The frustration is infuriating.

Oh but I can drive myself, after PAYING FOR A LICENSE, and paying for insurance every month while only working minimum wage and barely getting 20hr/wk.
Well I lost my license a few years ago due to the "system of the goverment" DMV laws.

My dad got a DUI doing a paper route, and couldnt drive no more. So i stepped up and drove his route for him and he sat beside me, and we delivered papers. (I did this for free, (well he bought my ciggerettes, thats it). I did this 7 nights a week. 8 hours each time for 7 months, and then 5 nights a week 6 hours each time. I did this because I HAD TO. We needed to pay our bills, we needed food. So my dad wouldn't lose his income, i stepped up.

Well our vehicle from wear and tear died on us, and we decided to get a new vehicle. We found one we could afford about 3-4 hours away and we bought it. Because it was bought in a different state, the DMV laws require a Bill of Sale that is Notarized to register the vehicle. A signed Title is not good enough (why the fuck will I have
a signed Title to the vehicle if I didn't buy it).

Well I still gotta pay the bills, I still got feed myself right? So i say **** it and drive it anyways. I can get insurance on the car (companies don't mind insurancing and accepting payment for an illegal vehicle, because they know they wont have to pay out in the even of a crash). So i have insurance right. I have a valid license. I have a valid inspection sticker. The only thing illegal on it was the plates wasn't registered.

So i get pulled over multiple times because of invalid registering (not speeding, not running a red light). Paperwork violations. I can't get a notarized bill of sale because I've lost the number to the people i bought the car off of, 3-4 hours away. Like I'm going to be able to memorize how to get there. So these tickets add up, finally suspending my license. I keep driving, keep racking up tickets. Now I owe like 8,000 in tickets to get my license back, all because of technicality of not having the right PAPERWORK. But I did have a signed Title.

Guess what the government does now, they take my income tax returns every year to pay for it. I see nothing. I don't even bother doing them anymore. Waste of time.

Not to recently ago, I was in jail for a couple weeks because of Obstruction. I was going into a psychosis mentally and had an argument with my roommate. Claiming I didn't want to live anymore and basically voicing my anger. He called 911, trying to get me sent to a hospital. The cops show up. They immediately assume I'm on drugs when I plainly tell them I'm schizo-affective and need to go to a hospital. They keep asking me about my drug history, and I tell them like 6-7 times its a mental disorder and that I don't want to live anymore and that I hate life. They get aggressive with me, so i raise my voice and start yelling at the officer trying to get through to him that I'm telling the truth. Next thing I know I'm face down on the concrete sidewalk outside of my house with a knee in my back and handcuffs on my wrists. Being charged with Obstruction.

It gets better, I get to the jail and I tell them about my mental disorder, of about how I get these moods where I hit rock bottom and desire to die. I tell them I need my meds. They then strip me down naked and put me on suicide watch in a freezing cell. With nothing to cover me but a mat. I start yelling and raising hell about corrupt prison systems and saying that the officer is a indoctrinated sheep who follows blindly. Without having any sense of right or wrong. I cry for help, and I get put into jail and stripped naked. All i want at this point is a damn blanket, because I'm freezing. I see a stack of them through the small window in my cell door.

He then warns me to shut up or he is going to pepperspray me. I then start laughing and pointing out that he is offended by my words, and that he is so hurt by somebody behind a locked door that could not possible physically hurt him. I tell him to stop being butthurt over words and open his eyes to how wrong the system is. He then opens the cell door and pepper sprays me directly in my eyes, putting me in extreme agony for a hour, and burning my eyes for the next 3 days.

I could go on and on....about politicians, about lawyers, etc. But i don't have any personal experience in those matters, but I see it.

I wish America would hurry up and collapse already. Burn it down, burn it all to the ground. Wake up people, this is what the system, the government, the powers that be, have done to us.

And to think, I started out as being all Patriotic and gung-ho full of life and vigor in my youth. Now at 29, turning 30, this country and culture disgusts me.

Last Edited by AceWestfall on 12/22/2019 07:18 PM
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Re: Knowing God...True Faith, My Journey, My struggle, My Cross. Christian, to Agnostic, to "Something Else"
Whats hurts the most, is that I still care and love my college girlfriend. She ended up finishing College with Honors and becoming a Landscape Architect.

When I dropped out of college, because I was disheartened about the ROTC thing, i lost motivation and stopped going to classes. she left me saying "i was trying to get through life, and she was trying to do things with her life".

It broke me mentally. I went a couple of years lying in my self pity and misery, it drove me into a psychosis and my schizo-effective became more intense and noticeable.

Over the years I picked up the pieces, and buried my pain for her. I forgot about it, didn't dwell on it, ignored it. I dated a few other girls, realizing woman my age want Money and Security instead of harboring and working for a long term relationship. I even fell into the hole of dating a girl just for sex. I tried filling the void with other women but the emotional fulfillment and connection I had with my College Girlfriend was never there. I thought I found it one time with another woman, but I realized I was just a rebound, she was greedy emotionally.

For the next couple years, I basically stopped looking for a partner. Worked on myself and my own personal struggles and demons, trying to get through life and work and basically just survive.

One perfectly normal day at work, I saw a co-worker I hadn't noticed, before took me by surprise. When I saw her, for a split second I thought it was my college girlfriend, the emotion I felt roared its ugly head. It was a blend, of surprise, joy, nervousness, and gratefulness. Followed by depression, anger, disappointment. This happened in a span of 2 seconds. I then asked her what her name was, and she said it was "Rachel", the same name of my college girlfriend. I was speechless... frozen, like a deer in headlights, but my heart sank.

Another psychosis came soon afterwards, because my thoughts and emotions kept coming back to my college girlfriend and this new co-worker. I eventually lost my job because of it, and it was a good paying busser Job at a Restaurant. That psychosis lasted around 8 months. I tried emailing my college girlfriend trying to talk to her, and reach out for help. Telling her I had schizo-effective disorder, and that I was suffering emotionally, and needed to talk to her because I was afraid of taking my life. She responded not to talk to her or she would call the law. I still messaged her, and got no reply since. Some of my emails were heartfelt and sane, other I spouted scriptures and got hyper religious with her, being crazy. What hurts the most is that we shared good times together, and she knew I loved her, and I knew she loved me, (she was good to me when we were together). Regrets came about how I was during the relationship, how I became unattached and emotionless after ROTC denied me. I kept thinking about our memories we had together and how I messed up by not going to class and dropping out. We were each other's first love.

Now I'm at the tail end of it recovering emotionally, having another job in a new location. The effects still linger, It still hurts 8 years later. I know that I loved her, and still do.

My favorite verse is "Love is as Strong as Death".

It has a special meaning to me. In truth, I must admit, that if I didn't truly find love with Rachel when I did, the hardships of my life before and after her would have driven me to kill myself. Now I am at peace with Death, but I don't see myself taking my own life. In fact I invite Death because I see the world for how it truly is, and I want to part of it. I'm somewhere in between life and death now. I am neither dead, nor alive. My ability and capacity to Love somebody emotionally has kept me alive, that hope of finding somebody who can see me for how I truly am, and not through the stigma of society and culture and popular opinion.

I find strength in a few scriptures. My pillars so to speak.

My name is Thomas, so I see the apostle Thomas as my Role Model. In the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus calls him his twin and true companion. That means something to me, it gives me the desire to BE that twin and true companion.

I've already mentioned "Love is as Strong as Death".

Another is in Revelations "To he who overcomes", it makes me want to be that Overcomer he talks about, to gain the morning star, that name only he knows, to sit down with him, etc.

Another is Psalms 45, where it says "God, thy God, has anointed you with joy above thy companions". Its very special to me because I had an intimate experience felt with gratitude and unspeakable joy the first time I read that passage. It was like God took notice of me, and told me he's got me, saying he understands. In the verse He says "loveth righteousness and hateth wickedness". I've purposed my heart to follow this.

I feel and understand what King David meant and was going through in Psalms when he cried out to God. Saying how his enemies surrounded him, and that he KNEW that the Lord would not abandon his soul into hell. That he would sing praises.

These Pillars give me strength, give me courage, give me hope and comfort. But most importantly, they led me to having a sense of divine companionship that I cannot possibly describe.

Last Edited by AceWestfall on 12/22/2019 07:53 PM
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Re: Knowing God...True Faith, My Journey, My struggle, My Cross. Christian, to Agnostic, to "Something Else"
Holy Bible (KJV) - [link to biblehub.com (secure)]
Apocrypha (Lost books of the Bible) - [link to www.kingjamesbibleonline.org (secure)]
Book of Enoch - [link to www.sacred-texts.com (secure)]
Gospel of Thomas - [link to www.gnosis.org]
Book of Thomas (The Contender) - [link to www.gnosis.org]
Book of Wisdom - [link to thenazareneway.com]
Atheist has vivid dream of Heaven - [link to www.lastofdays.co.za]

Proof of Noah's Flood



Dinosaurs walked with Man (Brachiosaurus mentioned in Job)



Historical Jesus (Paul vs James)



Last Edited by AceWestfall on 12/22/2019 07:41 PM
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Re: Knowing God...True Faith, My Journey, My struggle, My Cross. Christian, to Agnostic, to "Something Else"
Some of it



Wake Up



Believer



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GLP