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Thread for Prissy Preppers!!

 
88

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02/21/2020 05:22 AM
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Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
If you're a female and are like me and not very handy, here are some things I've come up with since I can't sleep. This thread is somewhat of a jest (making fun of myself) but also a few good things to think about.

-Stock up on coffee.. pods, bags, anything you can get your hands on. At the least, get a French Press, and even an air pot in case you have to travel and your local Dunkins is closed (and employees probably have the virus anyway).

-If you have kids, buy next year's winter clothes now on clearance in bigger sizes to accommodate their growth.

-Buy clothes in smaller sizes since you'll lose weight from starvation and running from crazy people trying to get your coffee. Or purchase belts. One does not want to have plumbers butt while trying to survive Armageddon.

-Buy to-go cups with lids for coffee. And other drinks. Disposable ones so you don't have to wash and waste water. Get the foam ones since no once will care about the environment anymore and your coffee will stay hotter longer.

-Fill your propane tanks for gas grill. Get extras. I actually can't do this myself because I'm a weak female so will have the hubby do it.

-Buy your hair color and mascara now. You don't want your partner to know how old you TRULY look or he'll trade you for food or beer. Or, don't color hair or wear makeup so when it goes Mad Max you'll be looked over and no one will want to steal you.

-Curly hair will be "in" again if the power goes out for any length of time. Stock up on gel or mousse.

-Stock up on pony tail elastics to put hair up while sweating from foraging.

-Stock up on your favorite alcohol for yourself while also stocking up on beer and spirits in case you need a favor from a man (turning on gas grill, wood cutting, figuring out how to light a fire) (yep, I'm screwed if the hubby gets this thing).

-Groom pets now, possibly shave them, so it's easier to take care of when the groomer gets sick. Keep their fur for stuffing pillows (see "sewing" below).

-Write down all the contacts in your phone, including CDC and other "authorities" so you can yell at them that they really screwed up on this one. Tell them during the next worldwide culling that they should be more organized.

-Buy stamps in case you need to send a letter to your bff venting about how the hubby ALREADY ate the stash of Reeses you stored when our phones don't work. Samsung users who received a "1" possibly most at risk of signal loss.

-If you're uncomfortable with guns, go to your local hardware store and purchase hammers, sickles, nail gun, etc then buy some baseball bats for protection. Even baseballs if you have a good arm and think you can knock out a person in one throw as to not waste your baseball ammo. Look at your kid's and hubby's sports supply for further ideas.

-Use volleyball net to wrap up any intruders or people you've culled. This will attract animals that you can knock out with baseball and keep as a pet if they're cute. Skunks are probably your best bet to keep other people away. Woodchucks also cute and can dig big holes like nobody's business. Use as a cave.

-When fishing, I've been told corn can sometimes work if you get icked out by earthworms. Also, buy a fishing pole and learn how to cast without getting the hook caught in your hair (see above for pony tail elastics).

-Buy lots of bug spray for when the kids go outside because their electronics aren't working.

-Make sure to have food & blankets if you own a boat for when you live on it. If no boat, stock up on the biggest blow-up floats you can find. See sunscreen above; the end of the world doesn't mean you need to age. People will remark how the caretakers "did a nice job" on you while looking at your casket. No one needs to know you used sunscreen and that's truly the reason why you look so good.

-Buy a basketball to draw a face on to make a friend in case you end up alone. Feel free to name him "Neworldorder" and bounce, kick, pop him with furious force.

-For Vintage/Goodwill/Thrift lovers: Gather up all your collections of silver-plated serve ware that you have in your basement in a box that you intended to use for the fancy party you're planning in your head to have one day to barter with. Surely it can be melted down somehow.

-Go Female Astronaut and purchase Depends or the likewise in case you feel uncomfortable peeing outside or don't have time to stop running from mob trying to get your coffee.

-If you can sew you'll be worth gold. Be sure to have thread and sewing needles of all types. Learn how to sew masks, diapers and body bags. If you're a knitter, start knitting blankets.

-Purchase clearance Valentine's candy for barter.

-For when the power goes out: Purchase puzzles and games. Left/Right/Center is a good game as well as Cards Against Humanity. No batteries needed.

-Buy batteries.

-Write "GLP" on your forehead in hopes to find other GLPers. Offer them a cup of coffee ;).

A silly little thread to take the angst off this virus for a bit.
hf



-
ChipModerator
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02/21/2020 05:24 AM

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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
billlaugh

"I don't give a tuppenny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit-sack." ~Bill the Butcher

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." ~Arthur C. Clarke

"He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda!" ~David Mills ~ Se7en


"THE PLANET IS FINE! THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED" ~George Carlin
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 05:26 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
WTF.
pool
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02/21/2020 05:29 AM

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Chip, you're so bad. lmao
I wonder why the issue of racial inequality wasn’t fixed when we had a half black president for 8 years?
Has Many Names

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02/21/2020 05:30 AM

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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a ton of crossword puzzle books.

Goofy Thum
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02/21/2020 05:31 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
buy a new chest freezer to store prissy prepper body parts in for backup meals or a cold lay!
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:31 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
WTF.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 59029940


I'm sorry, are you offended?? I think this is my 2nd thread ever, lol. Just being silly.
CitizenPerth
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02/21/2020 05:31 AM

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laugh
It's life as we know it, but only just.
My Fukushima Site:
[link to citizenperth.wordpress.com]
sic ut vos es vos should exsisto , denego alius vicis facio vos change , exsisto youself , proprie

GLP's best Fuku thread: Thread: *** Fukushima *** and other nuclear-----updates and links
twitter: #citizenperth
“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on it, I would use the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask, for once I knew the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than five minutes.”
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88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:32 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a ton of crossword puzzle books.

Goofy Thum
 Quoting: Has Many Names


Great idea!
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:32 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
buy a new chest freezer to store prissy prepper body parts in for backup meals or a cold lay!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 18581241


Omg, lol.
Zovalex

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02/21/2020 05:35 AM

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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
Great post!

Although satirical (from a man’s point of view), you made an excellent point that I hadn’t thought of:

WRITE DOWN all contacts names and numbers on paper.


.
“Mental slavery is the worst form of slavery.
It gives you the illusion of freedom,
makes you trust, love, and defend your oppressor,
while making an enemy of those
who are trying to free you or open your eyes.”
-Fiyah

“None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“You have been programmed to resist the very person that is here to set you free, from the prison of your Mind... You are not free... everything you are has been manufactured by Minds that have not your best interest. You are imprisoned by beliefs and not reality. Religions are mental programs to imprison your Mind.”

-SOL
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 05:39 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
WTF.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 59029940


I'm sorry, are you offended?? I think this is my 2nd thread ever, lol. Just being silly.
 Quoting: 88


Hardly offended. I mean it's mildly amusing, but when so many are trying to provide useful information, it seems odd. Only 2% identify as bushcraft, homesteader, prepper folks. This equates to massive carnage, starvation, dehydratin, sickness, etc in a global pandemic. Joking will dissuade many to prepare.

It's the opposite of the desired effect.
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:40 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
Great post!

Although satirical (from a man’s point of view), you made an excellent point that I hadn’t thought of:

WRITE DOWN all contacts names and numbers on paper.


.
 Quoting: Zovalex


Thank you Zovalex! I'm glad I helped you think of something you hadn't thought of. I realized I don't know anyone's phone numbers anymore so will be writing my contacts down soon.

hf
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:47 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
WTF.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 59029940


I'm sorry, are you offended?? I think this is my 2nd thread ever, lol. Just being silly.
 Quoting: 88


Hardly offended. I mean it's mildly amusing, but when so many are trying to provide useful information, it seems odd. Only 2% identify as bushcraft, homesteader, prepper folks. This equates to massive carnage, starvation, dehydratin, sickness, etc in a global pandemic. Joking will dissuade many to prepare.

It's the opposite of the desired effect.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 59029940


You make a great point which I hadn't thought of. I'm actually a very anxious, prissy girl and my husband isn't a prepper/survivalist and it scares me to death. I've been feeling helpless and kind of depressed about this virus and when that happens, I deal with it by being funny. It's how my family always dealt with serious things. But I think some females will understand and get a kick out of it because I believe some of us truly think this way to a point.

Stay safe AC!
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 05:53 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
-Stock up on pony tail elastics to put hair up while sweating from foraging.
 Quoting: 88


Looking good while foraging is very important for any woman post Apocalypse. It helps her attract a strong mate to do the foraging for her.
Etta

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02/21/2020 05:54 AM

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Excellent job. Styrofoam cups. : )
“Expectations are the root of all heartache”

"I like all of the races, even the bad ones."
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:55 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
rechargeable batteries and sun charger

foor your giant black dildo
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78425057


Gotcha! And it's purple
Peepaws

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02/21/2020 05:57 AM

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Uh that would be me too.
Peepaws
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:57 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
-Stock up on pony tail elastics to put hair up while sweating from foraging.
 Quoting: 88


Looking good while foraging is very important for any woman post Apocalypse. It helps her attract a strong mate to do the foraging for her.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78362456


banana2
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 05:58 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
A nice loincloth bikini
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 05:59 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
Excellent job. Styrofoam cups. : )
 Quoting: Etta


hf
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 06:01 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a coat with "GLP" on it.

(I'm NOT kidding)


rose
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 06:01 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
A nice loincloth bikini
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78499845


tounge
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 06:02 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a coat with "GLP" on it.

(I'm NOT kidding)


rose
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78474764


Do you have a pic? It's a great idea, actually.
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 06:03 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
Toothpicks...lots of toothpicks. If you try to eat roasted squirrel from a regular plate along with a knife and fork, it feels like a joke of a meal. If you serve the meat on toothpicks instead, it becomes a nice little high class treat. Raise your pinky finger in the air and also have a wine glass full of rain water in your other hand while doing it to increase your perception of civility.

Also, carry a simple BIC lighter. Useful for starting fires, but more importantly it can be used along with the bug spray to torch the guy you have wrapped up in your volleyball net.

Buy pants that are looser than normal in the hip and crotch area. It's hard to run away from bad guys if you have a swollen diaper and you're wearing skinny jeans.

Buy more sunscreen than you think you will need. Remember, shaved pets need their skin protected from the sun too.
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 06:03 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a coat with "GLP" on it.

(I'm NOT kidding)


rose
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78474764


Do you have a pic? It's a great idea, actually.
 Quoting: 88


I think I do. Let me see if I can upload it. :-)
88  (OP)

User ID: 76930440
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02/21/2020 06:12 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
Toothpicks...lots of toothpicks. If you try to eat roasted squirrel from a regular plate along with a knife and fork, it feels like a joke of a meal. If you serve the meat on toothpicks instead, it becomes a nice little high class treat. Raise your pinky finger in the air and also have a wine glass full of rain water in your other hand while doing it to increase your perception of civility.

Also, carry a simple BIC lighter. Useful for starting fires, but more importantly it can be used along with the bug spray to torch the guy you have wrapped up in your volleyball net.

Buy pants that are looser than normal in the hip and crotch area. It's hard to run away from bad guys if you have a swollen diaper and you're wearing skinny jeans.

Buy more sunscreen than you think you will need. Remember, shaved pets need their skin protected from the sun too.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78475634


Ha ha! Love this!! Lol. Perhaps I'll keep one silver-plated platter for my toothpicked squirrel dinner.

Swollen diaper and skinny jeans! lol.

Great point about pets! Did not even think of sunscreen for my 3 kitties.
Only Me
Strawberry Girl

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02/21/2020 06:17 AM

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I'm bringing out the good plates. We'll dining in style, even if it is just rice and beans.
Goodbye, halcyon days...

 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory mentioned, which states that this has already happened.
Anonymous Coward
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02/21/2020 06:23 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a coat with "GLP" on it.

(I'm NOT kidding)


rose
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78474764


Do you have a pic? It's a great idea, actually.
 Quoting: 88


I think you can view it here...
[link to imgur.com (secure)]

If not, let me know.
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 06:24 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I'm bringing out the good plates. We'll dining in style, even if it is just rice and beans.
 Quoting: Only Me


cheers
88  (OP)

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02/21/2020 06:26 AM
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Re: Thread for Prissy Preppers!!
I have a coat with "GLP" on it.

(I'm NOT kidding)


rose
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78474764


Do you have a pic? It's a great idea, actually.
 Quoting: 88


I think you can view it here...
[link to imgur.com (secure)]

If not, let me know.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78474764


Love that!! Should have them made to sell to us GLPers





GLP