HOUSTON, TEXAS (AP) -- In a last minute news conference held at the Starbucks Downtown McKinney, Houston Judge Lina Hidalgo announced that she will be implementing a "NO EXHALE"
weekend starting at 5pm Friday.
Lina proposes that "both citizens and most non-citizens are ordered to cease all forms of exhaling beginning 5pm Friday evening through Monday morning 8am."
This comes as a last ditch effort to cull the spread of the deadly Corona virus before instituting a second lockdown phase in Texas."The science behind exhaling is vague, but what is unanimously agreed upon is that most exhaling is simply unnecessary"
, says the young Harris County Judge.
Lina adds, "Exhaling is simply a waste of breath
, and for those who say that exhaling carbon dioxide is beneficial to plants, I say that if we can stop the spread of this killer disease to at least one more human being this weekend, then any subsequent loss of vegetation, trees, or shrubbery would have been worth it."
Both Sylvester Turner and Governor Greg Abbott (otherwise known as the Abbott & Costello slapstick duo to those outside of Texas) fully support Hidalgo in this experimental effort, citing that success would mean being able to modify the new normal to "a new and improved normal"
, which would be welcome news to those across the globe.
Turner plans on calling in volunteers to assist in enforcing this measure, mandating that violators of this weekend-ordinance will be apprehended and forced to watch videos of Bill Gates and wife, Melinda, as they extol the virtues of vaccines. "Though I'm an employee and fan of Mr. Gates, I can wholeheartedly attest that several hours of watching Gates' mannerisms are borderline cruel, yet very effective in stemming bad behavior"
, Turner revealed.
Lina ended the conference on an uplifting note, "We don't know what the future holds, but what we do know is that it's coming whether we exhale or not."
Feddup Widdishit, sr. edu
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