Doctors are refusing to test me for salmonella. Insist on testing me for COVID

I've been shitting myself to death for 3 days now. I made a snarky comment in another thread about covid being real, but in all seriousness, here is what is happening to me.

I got sick on Monday with the worst shits of my life. Sorry about the unladylike language, but it is what it is. I'm deathly ill. So I reach out to my doc and because I have a sore throat from vomiting, they want me to come in physically TUESDAY for a COVID nasal swab.

So I ask them, why do you want to swab me if I'm not having respiratory symptoms. Don't you want a stool sample? I didn't know about the salmonella yet, I just felt like they were barking up the wrong tree if they expect to find any thing in my nose. And besides, screw that brain poke. No thank you. Have a cup of my poop and go to town.

They asked if my stool was bloody and I said no, it's pure water. So they say no, that because I have a sore throat, they need to test me for COVID and I need to come in.

And I'm like, well, how do you think that's going to happen if I'm literally phoning you from the toilet? I mean, I'm glued to it. And I'm not even healthy enough to drive, I'd crash or kill someone, and anyone who drove me would be exposed to whatever I have.

I'm not going anywhere.

So they tell me to call back, they have to talk to the doctor. Mean time, I give up and call urgent care for a telemed consult.

same exact conversation O_o

They want to stick a swab up my nose for the shits coming out of my ass. This doesn't make sense to me at all.

Then an hour ago, I discovered that there's a salmonella outbreak and I just ate three bean salad with raw red onions on Sunday.

How many cases of salmonella Newport do you think are going to get misdiagnosed as COVID over the next few weeks. I've already called my lawyer. I'm too damn sick to file this lawsuit myself.

This is definitely salmonella. It all makes sense now. And I can't even get the antibiotics I need to treat it because they want me to slap on a diaper and drag my sick ass up there to stick a cotton swab up my nose 3 days from now for my diarrhea instead of treating my current, very severe illness right now.

This is pure, unbridled insanity, and if it results in my death, I'm going to make sure my husband is a very rich man and my children are completely cared for in my absence.