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Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners

 
Helo

User ID: 79280147
United States
03/11/2021 10:20 PM

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Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
Okay, the world is crashing.

* The U.S. is closing on $20 TRILLION in debt.

* Citizens of our country can no longer visit Capitol Hill, it's surrounded by razor wire and 30,000 troops.

* Dr. Seuss has been cancelled as racist.

* The President has issued a Presidential Order saying members of our Armed Forces, past and present, will get free sex-change operations on the taxpayer's dime.

* We're weeks, or at most, months, away from a woman becoming President, who just over a year ago, had to drop out of her party's nomination race because the polls had her at 0% BTW, she was WAY behind a gay guy who openly promised to take away our guns.

* The President, a senile 77 year old whose family received hundreds of millions of dollars from the Chinese, hasn't appeared at a press conference since he was inaugurated.


Forget about that for a minute, and post your favorite one-liner from the late comic genius, Mitch Hedberg.

Here's mine:

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Last Edited by IAMTHATGUY on 03/11/2021 10:22 PM
Peace in our time? All it took was everybody about to die.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80034561
United States
03/11/2021 10:45 PM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
He told me I can’t stand there because I was blocking the fire exit, as if when a fire breaks out, I wasn’t gonna move. If you are flammable, and have legs, you are NEVER blocking a fire exit.

I can’t eat spaghetti- no matter how hungry I am, 1000 of anything is too many.
Mayor of Simpleton

User ID: 76961324
United States
03/11/2021 11:53 PM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
I useta do drugs. I still do, but I useta too.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80065030
United States
03/11/2021 11:57 PM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80065030
United States
03/12/2021 12:10 AM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
"I wanted a candle holder. The store didn't have one so I bought a cake."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80065030
United States
03/12/2021 12:14 AM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having."
Helo  (OP)

User ID: 79280147
United States
03/12/2021 12:30 AM

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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
Beautiful.

NOW, read them all in your head with Rodney Dangerfield's voice!

They still work!
Peace in our time? All it took was everybody about to die.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 79091570
United States
03/12/2021 01:39 AM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”
Anonymous Coward
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United States
03/12/2021 01:40 AM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
Anonymous Coward
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Germany
03/12/2021 01:49 AM
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Re: Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners
I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know... I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."


I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience."


I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they're just as good and weren't wasting time.


I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, "Fuck it, cut 'em up."


If you're watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don't follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade. [Listen]


I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry"... so it died.


I can't tell you what hotel I'm saying at, but there are two trees involved.


I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control.


I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.


They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable... it's just they taste shitty.





GLP