Doom Break - Best Mitch Hedberg One-liners

He told me I can’t stand there because I was blocking the fire exit, as if when a fire breaks out, I wasn’t gonna move. If you are flammable, and have legs, you are NEVER blocking a fire exit.

I can’t eat spaghetti- no matter how hungry I am, 1000 of anything is too many.

I useta do drugs. I still do, but I useta too.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

"I wanted a candle holder. The store didn't have one so I bought a cake."

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having."

Beautiful.

NOW, read them all in your head with Rodney Dangerfield's voice!

They still work!

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know... I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."


I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience."


I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they're just as good and weren't wasting time.


I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, "Fuck it, cut 'em up."


If you're watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don't follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade. [Listen]


I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry"... so it died.


I can't tell you what hotel I'm saying at, but there are two trees involved.


I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control.


I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.


They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable... it's just they taste shitty.