Babylon Bee to Shut Down? No, not really...

At what point will this happen?

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According to its Managing Editor, the satirical internet site The Babylon Bee will be ceasing operation, after a recent editorial meeting turned violent, resulting in the hospitalization of several writers and an editor.

“It was a sad, unnecessary event,” Managing Editor Vance McElroy wrote in a press release, announcing the website, enjoyed by many for its humerous, and sometimes snippy fake news articles about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, President Kamala Harris, President Joe Biden and other examples of the strange, unbelievable things happening in the world today.

“The meeting started out like thousands of others,” McElroy said, his voice full of emotion during a telephone interview. “But then, as story after story was shot down by the editors as ‘too real,’ the writers became agitated and really angry.”

McElroy, who has helmed the web page since it’s inception during the first Obama administration, said it was simply too difficult in today’s world, to distinguish the absurd, fictional stories the Babylon Bee’s homepage offered, from actual events happening in the world.“For example, one of our writers,” an unnamed source named “Bob” reported, “is resting comfortably medicated” at a local mental health facility. “He pitched an idea about a well-known U.S. Senator undergoing gender reassignment from male to female, because they identified, and wanted to openly live as a cross-dressing lesbian.”

Another writer, unnamed “Steve,” apparently argued that he actually knew of a case just like that, and had heard that three of a major newspaper’s computers had entered unrecoverable logic loops, rendering them unusable, when a reporter tried to explain the situation textually. “Bob” and “Steve,” according to pronoun ambiguous Editor Howard Stroudsman, who spoke to us by phone, since he moved to rural New Hamphire “like Walter White did in ‘Breaking Bad’,” “just went at it,” and the argument went from verbal to physical, prompting another writer to say, “like Will Farrell in ‘Anchorman,’ ‘Boy, that escalated quickly. That really got out of hand, fast’” and then the pandemonium started”

At this point, Stroudsman, who reports he’s “currently in therapy” as a result of the past year’s descent into what he calls “Clown World,” said he had to get off the phone, because imagining the editorial nightmare that would be required in quoting his last few sentances was triggering him. “All I’m seeing is nested sets of quotation marks. I just can’t handle it…”, he said, his voice rising at least an octave in pitch, and abruptly hung up the phone.

Another high-ranking editor, named “Vasili,” said that “Cancel Culture” had also ravaged the Bee’s advertising base so badly, the only advertisers left are websites that sell survival food, colloidal silver and those “UV blocking sunglasses that old people wear over their prescription glasses.” “Vasili” also said that the Babylon Bee had originally intended to offer employees a three-day severance package, but lawyers recommended against it, saying the religious implications in such a move would anger much of the internet. “One of our graphic artists had to change his name, from ‘Christian’ to ‘Mopo,’ the only non gender-offending one he could think of,” to continue to be included in the web page’s credits.

Managing Editor McElroy says that they plan on the interwebpage returning, noting doing so would require a name change. “‘Babylon’ obviously offends those who were beaten with bibles when young, and since climate change is causing bees to die in such large numbers, many readers and non-readers alike, have complained that including the word ‘Bee’ in our name is ‘insensitive’.”

It appears that until the line between reality and satire becomes clearer, the Babylon Bee will remain dormant in its nest, and the world will just have to do without its satirical honey.

Last Edited by IAMTHATGUY on 03/20/2021 03:21 PM