Never felt so alone, nor have I ever wanted to be so...

i am moved by your words.

do yourself a favor and try & find a place where you can volunteer even during covid.

you need to take the focus off of yourself and focus on something else.

you have given too much time in ruminating about the past and yourself

if all else fails call your local soc serv or mental health counselor

Please read this for maybe you feel similarly to me and we can learn together.

I am nearly 29 years old. I am responsible for myself, my decisions and surroundings.

Let me just start by stating those facts.

Now let me explain where I've seen this life go, and where it is heading...

Born in 1992, there were race riots actively occurring from the moment I entered the world. Black Hawk Down. Hurricane Andrew.

America was already all but lost, fallen into the exact malicious hands warned about by our founders, John F Kennedy and even Ronald Reagan. We had gone from George HW Bush to Bill Clinton, the very beginning of the snowball of effects that would come for the next almost 30 years.

As a child, I recall the wonder of the coming technological era. It was in everything. Every form of media, art, music, clothing... Everyone was for the most part embracing and in awe of novelty. Very similar to the 80's, the 90's were the last bastion of the American dream, for better or worse.

It was a wonderful time for me, even though in reality, very bad things were happening in the world already and in my own life. My youth allowed me to remain mostly ignorant of the world. I wasn't yet hardened and desensitized.

The music was fantastic, videogames went from 8 to 16, to 32 and even 64 bit in very short order, from 2D to 3D, tv was captivating, malls weren't just shops, there were still heavily used arcades, cars were badass still, most of our time was spent outside... I could go on and on and on but basically what I'm saying is my childhood, whilst extremely turbulent, I am very lucky to say took place in a relatively novel, prosperous and happy time.

Then, in 2001, 911 happened.

I can't lie... I'm still traumatized by that day, like I've never moved past the shock and ongoing implications ever since.

In September, it has been 20 years.

When it occurred, I was 9 years old.
I remember it like it was yesterday.

From that event forward, it has been an ever quickening spiral into despair and destruction.

I am very lucky to have had moral posts in my life. They are all mostly deceased by now, but they had their hand in forming who I am today.

I don't want this to be all about me, so I'll hurry it along to where we are now.

When I graduated high school, with honors and with an already accepted application to several major universities, something was telling me to stay far away. I purposely chose a smaller university, Purdue, and even switched to IU after my first semester. I could have gone to almost any ivy league school even, if not for monetary restrictions (and I'm white). Something was telling me to stay away.

I recently looked back at my days in University and I was disgusted and rather flabbergasted. I was being pushed hard into marxism and extremism without even the slightest inclination. I am truly appalled by the amount of social justice and marxism that was being pushed then, but that brings us forward...

I feel as if I've escaped hell already and now must feel pain and sorrow as punishment for what my people have done and have ALLOWED to be done. I had a true Awakening, an aha moment in which I realized it would be foolish to turn a bind eye to the coming destruction and to carry about things as usual. To have false optimism only to be let down.

Not that it is my own doing, atonement comes through true repentance and the letting go of the push in this world.

I've no friends. No money. Nothing to my name but some "artifacts" and a dog I love very much. My cousin means a lot to me and he and I for the past nearly 10 years have helped to build each other up and stayed awake... But there comes a time for a fork in the road, where everyone makes their decisions and you cannot stop them, just as you would not like for them to infringe on you.

What we've made work we are far beyond the halfway point of. He has decided to marry and no matter what I feel of that situation, he has to make his own decisions about that one and I wish him the best of luck. I can see it may take heart break, divorce and such for him to come to the level of wisdom I have via other experiences. But, that's on him.

Which brings me to today.

Our rent is increasing by 300, but we each still only pay 615. That is still more affordable than if I were on my own. But I've never felt the want or need to be so alone as I do now.

Every warning is being ignored. I do not wish to impose, but I cannot help but feel a rather altruistic need to wake people up just as Noah was told to do.

But I'm not specifically in communication with God, at least not in a language type communication form.

For me, it has been more in the relics of the teachings of the past, of the moral staples in my life and the scars of past calamity.

When Trump was elected, I believe that actually made me lose a bit of focus on myself and on God because it threw me for the loop of unrealistic optimism.

Somehow, he was going to fix it.

Now we know that just isn't the case.

He did so much good, fought tooth and nail, walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but something eventually changed even in him. When expecting martyrdom, in the end I feel like we were actually lead into something far worse...

We had expectations and thought the world could turn around, but it was false peace.

The tribulation began in 2017 with the solar eclipse over the heart of the us and will end with the second coming of the solar eclipse in 2024, a 7 year period split down the middle with hope and anguish.

I feel it is my duty to spread the word and to wake people up, but as Jesus taught, even mentioning him to others causes them to build their mental walls before me.

I was lost in hope, in optimism, but now realize that i am found in an inescapable destruction coming.

So what is there to do but to embrace it?

I chose to be single and to remain without children for some altruistic and some selfish reasons. I realized the lust and pleasure wouldn't outweigh the burden of a wife and children going through this world, with me as their protector. That makes me both a coward and a savior to having never produced that potential outcome as I can see many of my peers, brothers and sisters included, have.

So I sit in this meat suit awaiting an inevitable end, wishing it would come already like sitting through a really bad 3 hour long movie (I'm looking at you Batman vs Superman).

And that breaks my heart. Not only for me, but for the wife and children I never had, for all the opportunity I not only gave up but willingly prevented or destroyed.

And I believe that breaks God's heart even more.

There are other "God's" but none come before the one true creator.

They will certainly try, and rather soon at that.

But what to do now?

Just write? Make books? Print out my photos and everything else that is predominantly digital anymore? Is preservation even necessary if we are to understand and believe what is impending?

Meditation, grounding, getting away from it and them all... So lonely yet so ready to just be done with it...

The missing part of every equation is God, not because he isn't there, but because we choose to ignore him.

We all perish and so too will this world, but our souls and their choices are forever.

The missing part of every equation is God, not because he isn't there, but because we choose to ignore him.

We all perish and so too will this world, but our souls and their choices are forever.

Thanks to some of your advice.

I've been spending time with my pup going on runs, doing yard work and such.

If I'm too busy I can't really be depressed lol.

Excellent to hear my brother.

Keep on keeping on.
All is well.