'Twas The Night Before Christmas

for a good laugh.

SDM

It would be funny if it weren't bordering on being so true.

always seems to be way.

very good.....

Heh. :themandawg:

Could be describing Bernanke, the whiskered elf.

Hehehe. Fitting.

Priceless... in the hopes that Obama would soon be there.

The new christmas classic. today's children will be reciting this to their grandkids.

Why are you guys so worried about the economy? Didn't you see the video on youtube that says Obama is going to pay our morgages and gas.

Please tell me this is tongue-in-cheek

'Twas the night before Christmas and nothing was stirring except for the 37 mushroom clouds across the Middle East...

'Twas the night before Christmas, I hit the Casino,
I went there to play, More than just Keno.

The dealers were assigned to their tables with care.
Chatting with patrons who were gambling there.
I walked to the Slots and started to Play.
I had a feeling this would be my Day.

I put in my coins and gave the handle a Yank.
As the coins started dropping I heard them go "Clank."
The wheels started spinning, they whirled and they glowed.
Alas! I saw three 7's, lined up in a row.

The lights started flashing, the bells all were ringing,
Out came the Jackpot with that old familiar jingling.
I reached down and scooped up all of my winnings.
I headed for the tables.. I couldn't stop grinning.

A table was open so I sat for Blackjack,
Put down money for chips and purchased a stack.
The Dealer was smiling, I was having such Fun.
Drew a Jack then an Ace, I had Twenty One!

Now off to Roulette but which numbers to choose?
The way things were going I just couldn't Lose.
I watched the ball spinning, it cldIcked and it Popped.
Right into my number, that little ball dropped.

"Thirty five to One", the dealer pushed me my chips.
Then she said, "Thanks!" for the toke that I flipped.
Then out on the floor, I heard such a clatter
I rushed to the Craps Table, to see what was the matter.

There was this Fat Guy so lively and quick,
I thought to myself, he looks like Saint Nick.
I watched the dice as they flew from his hand.
He made his point, ever time they'd Land.

"Place the six and the eight and a dollar on YO!
"He blew on the dice before letting them Go.
"To some these dice are more fun than toys.
I almost forgot, hard six for the Boys!"

He handled the bones so smooth and so swift.
The timing was right, to ask for a gift.
"Oh Santa please share some of your lucky charm."
He whispered to me, as he took my arm.

"If you want to keep winning when rolling the Dice,
Just listen to Santa and heed my advice.
""I've learned from the Experts, Scoblete, Griffen and Wong.
The secret of winning is PRACTICE hard and long."

"You MUST use your head and this is no fable.
If your Luck starts to turn, You must leave the table"
In the Blink of an eye he was headed for the door.
I pleaded with Santa, "Please, Tell me more!”

He called back to me, as he flew out of sight.
"Every day will be Christmas, If you learn to play the game right"

Merry Christmas and a "Lucky" New Year!!

Priceless!

Another version...

Twas the night before Christmas, and with great elation,
Barack Obama was planning to “change” the nation.
Corporate stockings were hung at the Congress with care
in the hopes that bailouts soon would be there.
The public was nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of tax cuts danced in their heads.
Women in their kerchiefs and men in their caps
had unfortunately settled for political c___.
When over the airwaves there arose such a clatter,
people sprang from their lethargy to see what was the matter.
Away to the TV, they flew like a flash,
heard economic bad news and feared for their cash.
Stocks on the Dow hit a new fallen low,
creating more fears down the tubes we would go.
When what to our tearful eyes should appear
but Congressional leaders allaying our fears.
With their leader Obama so lively and quick,
we knew in a moment there must be a fix.
More rapid than politicians fleeing all blame,
Barack whistled and called his allies by name.
Now Daschle, now Geithner, now Gates and Biden,
on Rahm, on Pelosi, on Reid and Clinton (Hillary).
"To the top of the world," we heard him call,
“Proclaim our agenda, Socialism for all!”…
Obama flashing his smile spoke in such prose
that the world was in awe at this king that arose.
He sprang to his throne, to his team gave a whistle.
National sovereignty was gone without the firing of missiles.
But I heard him exclaim from his lofty height,
Now I possess such great power, there’s no use to fight (it)!

thanks and a Merry Christmas to all...I leave you with this nice chart

::march2009:

Ho ho ho...and after so many years of Bush & co corruption and lies, we're supposed to be deathly afraid of some guy who hasn't even become president yet?? Gimme a break, and take your worthless scaremongering elsewhere...I'll judge Obama after he takes office.

:epcfl: :bmmmstck:

:bammanload:

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

Trust no future, however pleasant.
Let the dead bury the dead;
ACT! Act, in the living present,
Heart within, God overhead !

Lives of great men all remind us,
We can live our lives sublime;
And departing, leave behind us,
Footsteps in the sands of time .

Footsteps that, perchance another,
Sailing 'or lifes solome main;
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, may take heart again !

W.W. Longfellow

Could be fitting for our time and this forum, as we leave our word 'footprints' on the pages of GLP .

Eagle

that was good mr o

and i am about to partake in my best winter activity, a nap

took me 25 minutes to walk to the ymca, complete white out, cars would just stop and not know where to go, cold as hell, got to the y and swam a mile and sauna, walked back home, completely geared up gore tex, googles, trekking poles, backpack, head lamp

got home and started shoveling snow, for a half hour, in a fricking blizzard, finally got inside and made a whole wheat pancake the size of a garbage lid

my day is complete

lmao

bring it on world, just bring it ;)

<<runs for cover after posting this

'Twas the month before Christmas,
And just for a stunt,
Santa had his face buried
In Mrs. Claus' c*nt.

There was a loud noise,
And Santa jumped with a start.
It seems Mrs. Claus had cut loose
With one hell of a fart.

All Santa could do was
gag and spit.
His face and his beard
Were all plastered with shit.

Mrs. Claus was still on the bed,
Panting and groaning,
Hollerin' for Santa to
Please get his bone in.

Santa started laughing and shouting,
And with a loud cheer,
He said "I know what I'll do,
I'll screw one of the deer."

They're cleaner and neater,
And don't you suppose,
They'll be just the right height,
If I stand on my toes.

Santa ran from the barn
Shaking his head at the noise.
"Jesus Christ, how was I to know
All the reindeer were boys?

It was getting about time
To head for the south.
Santa was hoping to be rid
Of the taste in his mouth.

As the reindeer proceeded
To line up all in fours,
Santa yelled "Merry Christmas Mrs. Claus
This vibrator is yours.

While Santa rode in the dark night,
His ass frozen to the sled,
He started thinking of Mrs. Claus
At home in her warm bed.

Santa spun around in mid air,
And headed back to the pole,
They say he never got farther
From that hairy old hole.

The moral of this story,
Will end with this bit,
Any job that you do,
You just have to take shit..........

Ten reasons why i hate christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Hell...uh, I mean Christmas. Every year around this time, I spiral into a bottomless pit of anger and depression. Here's why.

(1) CHRISTMAS CARDS


Nothing says "I don't really give a fuck about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far worse is the Christmas newsletter: "Hi, I can't be bothered to write each of you a personal letter, so here's a computer-printed newsletter to brief you on my boring year." Also on the Rob shit-list: cutesy family Christmas cards with the whole family posing on the front; Christmas Create-a-Cards; and Christmas e-mail postcards. And if anyone e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork.

(2) CHRISTMAS TREES



At our house, we have the same artificial tree we've had since I was a baby. And these days, you can buy an artificial tree that looks exactly like a real one. So why buy a real one? For the pine scent? (Go out and sniff a pine cone, asshole.) For the joy of vacuuming pine needles off the rug every day? What?? I don't get it. And then, after New Year's Day, you see the most depressing thing ever: all the dead, rejected trees sitting out on the sidewalk, waiting to be taken to the dump. Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang shit on it, then kick it to the curb: That's everything evil about America in a nutshell.

(3) CHRISTMAS PARTIES


Especially work-related. My Christmas party this year comes after a 9-to-6 day for me. After such a day, I want to go home and be alone. I don't want to hang with the same people I've been looking at all day. Then every year there's some sort of idiotic theme to the gift-giving (more on that later). Last year everyone had to write a poem, which was kind of cool; I can handle that. This year, though, everyone had to buy something red. (I was going to give a vial of my own blood, but I didn't think that would go over.) Question: If the point of these wingdings is to enjoy each other's company, why not just forget the gifts?

(4) CHRISTMAS GREED



This time of year is when you start overhearing the little brats screaming to their parents that they want the toy du jour -- this year, of course, it's a Furby. Parents are caught in a cruel bind: They can't very well say "Sorry, kids, Furbys are expensive and hard to find," because then the little shits will just ask Santa for one. So the parents pretty much have to pay through the nose for a Furby. Christmas is one compelling reason not to have kids unless you're Jewish or some other religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas, like Wicca.

(5) CHRISTMAS CAROLS


Ken Souza, who shares my hatred of Xmas music, swears by the three TWISTED CHRISTMAS discs -- and from the tracks we've all heard on the radio, they're pretty damn funny. I also like Kyle's "A Lonely Jew on Christmas," Cartman's cattle-prod rendition of "O Holy Night," Tom Lehrer's "A Christmas Carol" (quoted above), Run-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis," Bob and Doug MacKenzie's "12 Days of Christmas" ("On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me -- a beer"), and the Kinks' "Father Christmas." And I always welcome Adam Sandler's two Chanukah songs. As for the other muzak, I'm all for dumping it into a large hole, setting it on fire, and pissing out the flames.

(6) CHRISTMAS MOVIES



I only recognize two Christmas movies: SCROOGED (for Bill Murray) and ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS (for sick laughs). Then there are the Xmas horror flicks, like BLACK CHRISTMAS (which John Carpenter clearly saw before making HALLOWEEN), CHRISTMAS EVIL (a favorite of John Waters), SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, and JACK FROST (the one about the killer snowman, not the Michael Keaton one). Everything else, I can live without -- even IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, though it features my favorite actor, Jimmy Stewart. Then there's A CHRISTMAS STORY. (Okay, I can only speak for myself here, because I am definitely in the minority on A CHRISTMAS STORY, which everyone else on the planet adores, and which I loathe with the intensity of a laser beam. There's, like, one good scene -- the visit to Santa -- but everything else in the movie, I despise, beginning with Jean Shepherd's annoying, ineptly written narration: "My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up with the infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant the Red Ryder Range Model Air Rifle indelibly into my parents' subsconscious!" Mr. Shepherd, meet Mr. Strunk and Mr. White.) As for Xmas specials, there's A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and MR. MAGOO'S CHRISTMAS CAROL, which I haven't seen in years. Everything else? Yawn.

(7) A CHRISTMAS CAROL


There are several good modern variations on it (see above), but you know what? Dickens' perennial fable of redemption is the granddaddy of a thousand lame movies: REGARDING HENRY, THE DOCTOR, LIFE STINKS (a lot of them seemed to come out around the same time), dozens of others -- they're ALL basically the Scrooge story: Mean person learns to be nice. Or the '90s version: Busy dad learns to spend more time with the kids. Yes, the working dad has become the Scrooge of the '90s -- witness HOOK, LIAR LIAR, and JACK FROST, to name but three.

(8) CHRISTMAS SHOPPING



The insanity begins the day after Thanksgiving, when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a retail store. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there's no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their shitty gifts (see below). And it's not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. Which brings me to...

(9) CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS (EARLY-BIRDS)


The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug bitch who has all her shopping done by July. That's not misogynist: It's always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three guys who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to irk those (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year: I am speaking here of the ones who can't resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It's fine by me if they do it; I just don't want to hear it. Because it makes me want to divide such people into 17 asymmetrical pieces. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you're even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That's the best gift you can give your friends.

(10) CHRISTMAS GIFTS



The whole giving-and-getting thing: ick. When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it's the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Uh ... thanks ... I got you a bag of chips." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you're basically putting a price on your love. How much is Mom worth? $150? $200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonizing over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don't have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is horseshit.

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