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The Psychedelic Magi
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04/15/2009 04:14 PM
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So... I'm starting to write a book/story, and i was wondering if anyone would give what i have so far a readthrough and tell me what ya think.





Chapter 1 - Captain's Orders

The purring of a kitten lying upon my back as i lie face down in a pile of torn blankets and broken glass was what alerted me to the sun's presence outside the window shades. I had gathered my strengths and staggered myself to a sitting position, then began to examine my head for cuts, bruises or other wounds. Somehow, i had managed to remain unblemished throughout that night of what I had thought to be fun and games, alcohol induced of course. After rubbing the sleep from my eyes and coughing up a resin ball of a week's worth of cigarettes and bong loads, I noticed that my newly regained consciousness was not held by myself alone. My friends were, surprisingly, both alive and awake.

Paul, Dan, and Stevie Wonder were already conversing about the occurances of the party last night and appeared to have been doing so for quite some time now. A strange but familiar air of confusion was filling my head... Flashes of scenes from the nightly activities were running through my head like a wild beast high on PCP. The desert-like dust of long gone cigarette smoke filling my lungs and scratching at my throat was gnawing at my irritability. If I don't get something to drink soon, I will surely die a slow and pitiful death or succumb to insanity..

Luckily, the group had initiated this new day an hour earlier this morning by purchasing and consuming several 32 fluid ounce bottles of Budweiser and cans of Mickey's brand beers. The offer of a drink for my own was hard to refuse. Sure, the taste and smack to the head of shit malt in the morning is not a delightful one, but after a night of steady drinking of whiskey and more shit malt all the while smoking primo nuggets of reefer will leave one's throat incredibly parched upon waking, and therefore, despite the disgusting unpalatability of the drink, it was most welcome. Drinking cheap malt liquor just after sun-up is not exactly the greatest way to assure one's sobriety and competence in the later hours of said day, but it is a good method of curing a hangover, oddly enough. That is an interesting thing how poison can halt the after effects of that same poison...

And speaking of poison, this 'god' awful scent of days old beer and rotting "meat lover's" style pizza is growing increasingly nauseating. I can feel its essence chokingly crawling into my nostrils and squirming its way down my throat, almost like a shot of authentic mexican tequila, only even more unsettling and insanity promoting. I have got to get out of this place, but how will I tell the others? What kind weapons of persuasion and oration can a half-drunk, barely awake man hold in his mental arsenal? I'll tell you what kind; the kind that slurs every word and drools upon itself in their blithering indignity, insolence and desperation.

Looking over toward my friend Steve in hopes of some sort of inspiration for recouperation, I find that all hope of logic and reason is not only lost, but that it never even existed and will not come to being for several hours, possibly days. The man is still absolutely intoxicated from the endeavours of the previous night. Surely he is not up to the challenge of driving, walking, or even thinking at all. Dammit. Why is it that in the times of greatest need, all intelligence and ability seems to flee the immediate vicinity?

There simply has to be some way of overcoming this fatigue and clouding of thought, a way which is atleast somewhat substantially positive and not just another high or low of unnerving sorts. Dope, 'darrnar', that is, amphetamine comes to mind, but no, that would accomplish nothing other than turning us all into a bunch of raging maniacs fresh out of a Hitchcock movie that merged with an insane asylum borne into an epitome of dissolution and psychosis beyond measure. That would be imprudent and be completely devoid of responsibility, we cannot have that at this time. What good would a rampaging imbecile be in this world? He could perhaps be elected President of these United States, but he certainly wouldn't have a chance of accomplishing anything worth his while.

Again, there must be something that we can consume or do in order to wake our minds and invigorate our senses. But what could that be? What do I have or can I obtain that will further the efforts of this great mission? The mission, I recall we had decided last night, was that today would be a day of leisurly mind expansion and fine dining on beer soaked bratwurst and hashbrowns while 'camping' by the riverside. Ah, yes, I remember now... The mushrooms.

I had them stored in the top drawer of my nightstand at home for security and safety reasons. It's not like we could have had them available, at hand, last night and actually resisted the temptation of eating them all in our schnockered state of mind. No, that would have not been good. We would have ended up doing some mad thing like trying to order a cheeseburger from the police station. Shit, we probably would have been committed to a padded room by now had that been the case. Such things are not toys to be played with when you've got whiskey running through your veins. Rather, they are only meant for the hard of heart and steady of mind... Which is an even more confusing notion when you take into account what they actally can do to one's psyche, even if only temporarily. Perhaps it would be better for an already delusioned man to partake of those sacraments?

Ah, sigh, ponderances of such nature must be set aside for now - right now, I have a duty to alert the other soldiers and accomplish success in this objective. Upon realization of the mission and the means to the end, my sanity did return and my brain started preparations for issuing orders to the troops.

"Hey, you wierd fuggers", I said, stumbling my tongue upon my teeth.

The glossed eyes of them all were now upon me, with a look of bewilderment and hidden accusation of possible retardation. Their expressions were clear, they must have been thinking that I had either lost it or was still too drunk to be speaking. But I knew all too well that I was not the crazy one this time, despite my usual randomness and off-beat character. I was the sane man, yet still they were glancing ill looks as though I were a complete idiot, or mouthing off nonsense.

"What are you mumbling about over there", Dan rattled, seeming to perk up as a result of my statement.

"I'm not mumbling, I'm trying to talk to you guys", my voice rhasping, "If I remember correctly, there's something we've got to do today".

Again, they all eyed me, except for now in a manner of anticipation and intrigue.

"We've got ourselves a fuggin' mission, I tell ya!", I shouted with a crude vocal impersonation of Hunter S. Thompson.

Stevie and Paul replied in unison, "And what's that, man?".

"The mission... Of the mushroom".
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 657386
France
04/15/2009 04:21 PM
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wakeup
Idol1
scheming
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 657386
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04/15/2009 04:23 PM
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Just keep in mind: simplicity is key!

yoda
XLR8

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04/15/2009 04:24 PM
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headbang
Czar: 1) An unelected person given substantial authority over a particular policy; 2) sometimes used to refer to monarchs of imperial Russia.
----------
“A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have.” - Thomas Jefferson
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 04:32 PM
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Just keep in mind: simplicity is key!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 657386



indeed...


It is a habit for me to ramble and detail things that may be unnecessary for plot development.

But, i'm hoping that such might actually make for a more interesting read, like painting with a rainbow rather than only blue.
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
The Jurist

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04/15/2009 04:33 PM
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Hey, PM... You know what they say about opinions chuckle
`
(Be) Divide(ed) and (be) Conquer(ed)...

Don’t listen to what they say, watch what they do.

~There is Tranquility in Ignorance, but Servitude is its Partner. —me
~What luck for Rulers that Men do not Think. —Adolf Hitler

:damned: Doom is optional. There is good news abounds.
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 04:42 PM
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Hey, PM... You know what they say about opinions chuckle
 Quoting: The Jurist


yeah... but when it comes to something that you would 'market' to others, opinions are nice to have so that you can know what needs tweaking or if it should be scrapped altogether.
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 04:48 PM
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Too derivitive of John D. MacDonald.
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 04:56 PM
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Too derivitive of John D. MacDonald.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 657452


who?
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 05:04 PM
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I like it, but it almost seems like you're concentrating too hard on your vocabulary skills rather than telling the story.

That said, I'd like to read more. hf
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 05:15 PM
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I like it, but it almost seems like you're concentrating too hard on your vocabulary skills rather than telling the story.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714


yes, that is surely a part of it... I despise using the same terms over and over again when writing.

Then again tho, that is also part of the format - an attempt at stalling while the story orders itself in my head... afterall, it is not of much direction yet.

as of now, i'm trying to recall the activities of several days and events and mix them with over-exaggeration and complete fiction so that it has an air of familiarity for myself and believability for others.

That said, I'd like to read more. hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714


alright, can do... I'm working on Chapter two right now, tho it might take a while, as i plan on it being longer than 1 was

i'll post an update soon
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 05:20 PM
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Too derivitive of John D. MacDonald.


who?
 Quoting: The Psychedelic Magi

You asked. If you don't really want opinions don't ask.
Kanigo2

User ID: 442313
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04/15/2009 05:24 PM
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Couple things magi..

take this to heart-- these recollections moments aren't for drunks..


here is how you get them into a story--- have the character 'remember this past event" then fill in the story line the way you just did--


for example they remember something after a "smell come across their senses-- while at another party--


this will allow "the reader' to develop a certain ambiance-- and maybe even Like the character--that you just wrote about.


read Harold Robbins..



If you like this style of honesty...



The paybacks will be tremendous.

Last Edited by Kanigo2 on 04/15/2009 05:24 PM
Alt+F4 Allows GodLikeProductions User to Check Current score in Thread Dialog.

"GLP has some batty shit, but yours takes the fucking biscuit "-Disputed-

Hurray for Anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 05:26 PM
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Lose paragraphs 1 and 3 through 8 and you have the start of something interesting.
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 05:26 PM
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Sounds pretty good so far. I can't wait until you get to the man-on-man sex.

scream
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 05:32 PM
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You asked. If you don't really want opinions don't ask.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 657479


no, it's not that... i was wondering who he is. i've never heard the name before
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

User ID: 657309
United States
04/15/2009 05:36 PM
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Couple things magi..

take this to heart-- these recollections moments aren't for drunks..


here is how you get them into a story--- have the character 'remember this past event" then fill in the story line the way you just did--


for example they remember something after a "smell come across their senses-- while at another party--


this will allow "the reader' to develop a certain ambiance-- and maybe even Like the character--that you just wrote about.


read Harold Robbins..



If you like this style of honesty...



The paybacks will be tremendous.
 Quoting: Kanigo2



thank you, but i'm not quite sure what you mean.

are you speaking of :

"Again, there must be something that we can consume or do in order to wake our minds and invigorate our senses. But what could that be? What do I have or can I obtain that will further the efforts of this great mission? The mission, I recall we had decided last night, was that today would be a day of leisurly mind expansion and fine dining on beer soaked bratwurst and hashbrowns while 'camping' by the riverside. Ah, yes, I remember now... The mushrooms. "

that there should be a 'flashback' or something before mention of the mission, or a story to describe the event in which it was decided?
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Kanigo2

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04/15/2009 05:43 PM
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that there should be a 'flashback' or something before mention of the mission, or a story to describe the event in which it was decided?
 Quoting: The Psychedelic Magi


EXACTLY!

Once you perfect that technique-- you can always toss "segnments of stories like this in to the story line"

and 'suggest a lesson' from the reading..

Its like pulp fiction..

You knew the answer,already, but ya didn't understand it till ya died..or lived to see another day..


LOL


Absolutely.!


Like life..
Alt+F4 Allows GodLikeProductions User to Check Current score in Thread Dialog.

"GLP has some batty shit, but yours takes the fucking biscuit "-Disputed-

Hurray for Anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 05:47 PM
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EXACTLY!

Once you perfect that technique-- you can always toss "segnments of stories like this in to the story line"

and 'suggest a lesson' from the reading..

Its like pulp fiction..

You knew the answer,already, but ya didn't understand it till ya died..or lived to see another day..


LOL


Absolutely.!


Like life..
 Quoting: Kanigo2


alright, lemme see what i can do with it. i'll post back in a minute
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Woody
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04/15/2009 05:47 PM
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Hi,


I am a writer.


You're a little bit all over the place - the only advice I would give would be to keep re-reading and adjusting it until it becomes more snappy and says what you want it to straight off. This is even possible with elaborate descriptions where the very pace of the description can itself hold the interest.

Otherwise good content.


Woody ;¬)
Sombra

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04/15/2009 06:10 PM
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I like it, but it almost seems like you're concentrating too hard on your vocabulary skills rather than telling the story.

That said, I'd like to read more. hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714


Yeah, drunks don't think that clearly. It could be intersting (keep your tenses in line). And I agree, if you can keep it up, it will be interesting to read.
mussen

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04/15/2009 06:45 PM
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Good stuff!

I agree with others that you need to develop a less wordy style. Your story won't be appealing if you write it as though you are the druggie. In fact, why don't you write it using -he instead of -I? I think some distance will help you pare down the internal monologue. Think of your main character as someone who is not you.

Develop a narrator that's a bit more neutral than any character could be. It will help you paint a picture of these guys. At the very least, this will let people see your main character as fallible in some way without feeling like they are judging you as the author. (I like books written in the first person, but I just sense you're too close to this character and if the reader senses this they might lose interest...unless of course you were already famous and this was a biography).

People don't think like they would write, and I'm reading someone's thoughts...so they're too prosaic. Try writing his thoughts in a more fragmented way and use a narrator to fill in the emotions that are driving him by observing how he moves, what he looks like (or by just knowing as narrators do).

Get out of your own head and imagine someone new. Infuse the character and story with what it is you want to communicate, but embed something you haven't experienced in them as well. Observe others, go places you haven't been (not just via deep thinking or altered perception).

BTW, you can't stagger to a sitting position. Staggering requires that you are (still) on your feet.

Keep it coming!
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 06:58 PM
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honest..i am a prolific and shrewd reader, your first paragraph had me. went on to the second...and lost me at the third. ya might wanna intro duce a new aspect there, we heard about the wild night, good job. move on...suggestion..what bright and sardonic ephiphany did you get from this most auspicious night? i admire those who have the energy and balls to write, ain't me!
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 06:59 PM
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Good stuff!

I agree with others that you need to develop a less wordy style. Your story won't be appealing if you write it as though you are the druggie. In fact, why don't you write it using -he instead of -I? I think some distance will help you pare down the internal monologue. Think of your main character as someone who is not you.

Develop a narrator that's a bit more neutral than any character could be. It will help you paint a picture of these guys. At the very least, this will let people see your main character as fallible in some way without feeling like they are judging you as the author. (I like books written in the first person, but I just sense you're too close to this character and if the reader senses this they might lose interest...unless of course you were already famous and this was a biography).

People don't think like they would write, and I'm reading someone's thoughts...so they're too prosaic. Try writing his thoughts in a more fragmented way and use a narrator to fill in the emotions that are driving him by observing how he moves, what he looks like (or by just knowing as narrators do).

Get out of your own head and imagine someone new. Infuse the character and story with what it is you want to communicate, but embed something you haven't experienced in them as well. Observe others, go places you haven't been (not just via deep thinking or altered perception).
 Quoting: mussen


I'll take that into consideration. It might make it a bit easier to fill the gaps, whereas, instead of just one steady thought process, I could have parts of that as well commentary and narration thereupon.


BTW, you can't stagger to a sitting position. Staggering requires that you are (still) on your feet.
 Quoting: mussen


chuckle

i know... that's exactly why i used it there... to give exaggeration to the difficulty of the move.


Keep it coming!
 Quoting: mussen


I will do so. I'll post up the next chapter and 'corrections' on this one when i get them further done.


Thank you for the advice.
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 07:02 PM
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ya gotta grab em at the first sentence, and ya did. i think you did well, i dint read the whole thing, as i said, i am picky, but i think ya got a good start there. i am fierce in my reading, unless i am really hard up, i wont go past 2 sentences and ya held me for a whole paragraph, good job, i heard a good writer is one who reads voraciously, i believe it. my current fave is brent weeks, he even dodders, but i can put up w/it because he has alot of soul.
Anonymous Coward
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04/15/2009 07:04 PM
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Just keep in mind: simplicity is key!



indeed...


It is a habit for me to ramble and detail things that may be unnecessary for plot development.

But, i'm hoping that such might actually make for a more interesting read, like painting with a rainbow rather than only blue.
 Quoting: The Psychedelic Magi
no, you know how humans are, we want to ahve it broke down for us. ya know/ we look to you , not to ramble, but to put our thoughts into your words for us to not be wore out reading. i think you hve a talent, you just need to sharpen.
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

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04/15/2009 07:07 PM
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well, thank you, 520


i like that you are straight up and not 'putting it softly' in your comments.


I definitely have some honing and sharpening to do...

This is the first attempt at writing i've made since i was 12 i think

Last Edited by The Psychedelic Magi on 04/15/2009 07:08 PM
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
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In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


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as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 649520
United States
04/15/2009 07:07 PM
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Re: Opinions Needed
Hi,


I am a writer.


You're a little bit all over the place - the only advice I would give would be to keep re-reading and adjusting it until it becomes more snappy and says what you want it to straight off. This is even possible with elaborate descriptions where the very pace of the description can itself hold the interest.

Otherwise good content.


Woody ;¬)
 Quoting: Woody 654407
great advice. the content is good, we can relate to. his first paragraph was good i think. hell, i wouldn't even try to be a writer..but i sure likes to read, and sure admire them.
Myst
User ID: 657564
United States
04/15/2009 07:12 PM
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Re: Opinions Needed
Use words sparingly - read "Of Mice and Men" for example.
Avoid passive verb structure.
And from an article I read about how to write fantasy stories:
"Show" don't "tell".

Did you find any scrapes or bruises when you felt your head in paragraph 1? I'd have rather read "Pain shot down my forehead as my fingers found a jagged cut at the edge of my hairline on the left side of my forehead".

I'm no writer, but since you wanted opinions - here's another one, for what it's worth. Good luck!!!
khnum
User ID: 455005
Australia
04/15/2009 09:56 PM
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Re: Opinions Needed
needs teenage mutant biker vampire lesbians.
D. Bunker

04/15/2009 10:02 PM
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Other than some spelling and grammatical issues you can easily find, it is OK. I think some word choice could be simplified, but my vocabulary may be limited in English.
:savetata:


Favorite Quote - "I just fucking love outer space, it has all those planets and stars and shit." - Mister Obvious 2009





GLP