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Opinions Needed

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 656327
United States
04/15/2009 10:08 PM
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Thanks for my new book. (not really) But by posting it on here, you just gave everyone the rights to it to call their own. It's now public domain.




So... I'm starting to write a book/story, and i was wondering if anyone would give what i have so far a readthrough and tell me what ya think.





Chapter 1 - Captain's Orders

The purring of a kitten lying upon my back as i lie face down in a pile of torn blankets and broken glass was what alerted me to the sun's presence outside the window shades. I had gathered my strengths and staggered myself to a sitting position, then began to examine my head for cuts, bruises or other wounds. Somehow, i had managed to remain unblemished throughout that night of what I had thought to be fun and games, alcohol induced of course. After rubbing the sleep from my eyes and coughing up a resin ball of a week's worth of cigarettes and bong loads, I noticed that my newly regained consciousness was not held by myself alone. My friends were, surprisingly, both alive and awake.

Paul, Dan, and Stevie Wonder were already conversing about the occurances of the party last night and appeared to have been doing so for quite some time now. A strange but familiar air of confusion was filling my head... Flashes of scenes from the nightly activities were running through my head like a wild beast high on PCP. The desert-like dust of long gone cigarette smoke filling my lungs and scratching at my throat was gnawing at my irritability. If I don't get something to drink soon, I will surely die a slow and pitiful death or succumb to insanity..

Luckily, the group had initiated this new day an hour earlier this morning by purchasing and consuming several 32 fluid ounce bottles of Budweiser and cans of Mickey's brand beers. The offer of a drink for my own was hard to refuse. Sure, the taste and smack to the head of shit malt in the morning is not a delightful one, but after a night of steady drinking of whiskey and more shit malt all the while smoking primo nuggets of reefer will leave one's throat incredibly parched upon waking, and therefore, despite the disgusting unpalatability of the drink, it was most welcome. Drinking cheap malt liquor just after sun-up is not exactly the greatest way to assure one's sobriety and competence in the later hours of said day, but it is a good method of curing a hangover, oddly enough. That is an interesting thing how poison can halt the after effects of that same poison...

And speaking of poison, this 'god' awful scent of days old beer and rotting "meat lover's" style pizza is growing increasingly nauseating. I can feel its essence chokingly crawling into my nostrils and squirming its way down my throat, almost like a shot of authentic mexican tequila, only even more unsettling and insanity promoting. I have got to get out of this place, but how will I tell the others? What kind weapons of persuasion and oration can a half-drunk, barely awake man hold in his mental arsenal? I'll tell you what kind; the kind that slurs every word and drools upon itself in their blithering indignity, insolence and desperation.

Looking over toward my friend Steve in hopes of some sort of inspiration for recouperation, I find that all hope of logic and reason is not only lost, but that it never even existed and will not come to being for several hours, possibly days. The man is still absolutely intoxicated from the endeavours of the previous night. Surely he is not up to the challenge of driving, walking, or even thinking at all. Dammit. Why is it that in the times of greatest need, all intelligence and ability seems to flee the immediate vicinity?

There simply has to be some way of overcoming this fatigue and clouding of thought, a way which is atleast somewhat substantially positive and not just another high or low of unnerving sorts. Dope, 'darrnar', that is, amphetamine comes to mind, but no, that would accomplish nothing other than turning us all into a bunch of raging maniacs fresh out of a Hitchcock movie that merged with an insane asylum borne into an epitome of dissolution and psychosis beyond measure. That would be imprudent and be completely devoid of responsibility, we cannot have that at this time. What good would a rampaging imbecile be in this world? He could perhaps be elected President of these United States, but he certainly wouldn't have a chance of accomplishing anything worth his while.

Again, there must be something that we can consume or do in order to wake our minds and invigorate our senses. But what could that be? What do I have or can I obtain that will further the efforts of this great mission? The mission, I recall we had decided last night, was that today would be a day of leisurly mind expansion and fine dining on beer soaked bratwurst and hashbrowns while 'camping' by the riverside. Ah, yes, I remember now... The mushrooms.

I had them stored in the top drawer of my nightstand at home for security and safety reasons. It's not like we could have had them available, at hand, last night and actually resisted the temptation of eating them all in our schnockered state of mind. No, that would have not been good. We would have ended up doing some mad thing like trying to order a cheeseburger from the police station. Shit, we probably would have been committed to a padded room by now had that been the case. Such things are not toys to be played with when you've got whiskey running through your veins. Rather, they are only meant for the hard of heart and steady of mind... Which is an even more confusing notion when you take into account what they actally can do to one's psyche, even if only temporarily. Perhaps it would be better for an already delusioned man to partake of those sacraments?

Ah, sigh, ponderances of such nature must be set aside for now - right now, I have a duty to alert the other soldiers and accomplish success in this objective. Upon realization of the mission and the means to the end, my sanity did return and my brain started preparations for issuing orders to the troops.

"Hey, you wierd fuggers", I said, stumbling my tongue upon my teeth.

The glossed eyes of them all were now upon me, with a look of bewilderment and hidden accusation of possible retardation. Their expressions were clear, they must have been thinking that I had either lost it or was still too drunk to be speaking. But I knew all too well that I was not the crazy one this time, despite my usual randomness and off-beat character. I was the sane man, yet still they were glancing ill looks as though I were a complete idiot, or mouthing off nonsense.

"What are you mumbling about over there", Dan rattled, seeming to perk up as a result of my statement.

"I'm not mumbling, I'm trying to talk to you guys", my voice rhasping, "If I remember correctly, there's something we've got to do today".

Again, they all eyed me, except for now in a manner of anticipation and intrigue.

"We've got ourselves a fuggin' mission, I tell ya!", I shouted with a crude vocal impersonation of Hunter S. Thompson.

Stevie and Paul replied in unison, "And what's that, man?".

"The mission... Of the mushroom".
 Quoting: The Psychedelic Magi
Sombra

User ID: 531811
United States
04/16/2009 01:41 PM
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A.C. I think you are mistaken. If he had posted as anonymous like you do maybe, but he has his name attached with dates and times so you would be hard pressed to prove it was your writing and not his.
Lost Fisherman

User ID: 226145
United States
04/16/2009 01:49 PM
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You seem to be a competent writer, but your choice of a subject leaves me flat.

And why, when there is so much vulgarity in the world already, poison your prose with profanities?
"Uhhhhhh......"
Barack Obama
Enaid

User ID: 515273
United States
04/16/2009 01:49 PM
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Remember you will have to re-write it several times.

Limit the words ending in --ing. Think action verbs. Use concise, colorful and original descriptions. Stay away from cliches. Make sure your tense is the same thru-out, unless you are weaving back in forth thru time. (Which as a reader - I dislike.)
Personal responsibility - try it sometime. Quit blaming others for your bad choices. Consequences happen.

:enaid11:
Lost Fisherman

User ID: 226145
United States
04/16/2009 01:52 PM
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I like it, but it almost seems like you're concentrating too hard on your vocabulary skills rather than telling the story.

That said, I'd like to read more. hf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714

Disagree.

Continue to polish your vocabulary skills and put them to use. In a world where ROTFL, OMG, WTF, and TEOTWAKI are considered cute, we need more writers who understand and know how to use more than just a couple of hundred words and two dozen acronyms.
"Uhhhhhh......"
Barack Obama
Enaid

User ID: 515273
United States
04/16/2009 02:02 PM
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"Luckily, the group had initiated this new day an hour earlier this morning by purchasing and consuming several 32 fluid ounce bottles of Budweiser and cans of Mickey's brand beers. The offer of a drink for my own was hard to refuse. "


Don't hate me--- I used to be an editor.

- Someone who drinks in the morning does not "purchase and consume 32-fluid-oz" etc. Those words are not authentic to the personality you are portraying.

I live with brilliant word snobs and even they don't talk like that.

Re - this new day and this morning - repetative in the same sentence.
Personal responsibility - try it sometime. Quit blaming others for your bad choices. Consequences happen.

:enaid11:
MagiChristmas
Nope not me!

User ID: 658133
United States
04/16/2009 02:25 PM

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Truth is stranger, and more impactful, than fiction! banana2
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

User ID: 658530
United States
04/17/2009 02:14 AM
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Thank you all very much for your advice. I was looking for commentary on the writing style I used - to see if I still had it in me to write. It's been over 7 years since the last time i tried to write a story.

And actually, i may or may not go any further with the story this thread contained... While drug use and quirkiness are interests to me, i would much rather write suspense or other styles than 'fear and loathing in las vegas' style.

Since this morning, i've begun writing a more serious story and so even if i do continue on this thread's one, it will not be for a while.



Don't hate me--- I used to be an editor.

- Someone who drinks in the morning does not "purchase and consume 32-fluid-oz" etc. Those words are not authentic to the personality you are portraying.

I live with brilliant word snobs and even they don't talk like that.
 Quoting: Enaid


actually... they are rather authentic to the character i was writing of. The personality was an extension of my own, and i am the kind of person who has drank in the mornng a few times (tho it's definitely not a habit... i prefer to remain sober until night time) and does actually speak like that in everyday conversation.


Re - this new day and this morning - repetative in the same sentence.
 Quoting: Enaid


dammit... ya got me there, lol. i shall have to be cautious that my wording doesn't become redundant.
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me
Flaming Sword

User ID: 656876
Australia
04/17/2009 02:24 AM
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well, my take is that the third person vehicle allows a lot more scope than 1st person.

I, I, I, sounds like a gushing grade schooler talking about the holidays, or their first bonk.

Engage the reader, elicit an emotive response.

Succinct cadence will allow the writer much scope to vividly explore the subtle nuances of our linguistic heritage.

Congliustically speaking, of course.

Last Edited by Flaming Sword on 04/17/2009 02:39 AM
Sombra

User ID: 531811
United States
04/17/2009 02:08 PM
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A few people have been able to master the 1st person narrtive, like Jim Butcher & Robin Hobb. If you really want to do first person it can be done well as long as you remember that you cannot tell your reader anything that the character does not know.
The Psychedelic Magi  (OP)

User ID: 658530
United States
04/19/2009 03:25 AM
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alright, now i've got the right thread...

to Enaid:


i cant't send PMs now... so i'm replying here

"So, you actually talk like, "purchase and consume?" Or do you buy and chug or drink?"


well, it would depend on the night...

i'm a rather "shifty" ccharacter when it comes to my speach patterns.

sometimes i'm proper and eloquent, others i'm speaking various accents, jargons and colloquialisms.

it changes with my mood.

and, yes, i have bfore said to some friends that we should "purchase and consume" some liquor... haha - the look they gave me when i said that was priceless
I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action!

A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others...
------------------------------------

In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them.

This is the Cosm. This is both I and You.

I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine!


------------------
as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi


"the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me





GLP