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Anonymous Coward User ID: 657386 France 04/15/2009 04:21 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 657386 France 04/15/2009 04:23 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
XLR8 User ID: 656008 United States 04/15/2009 04:24 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 04:32 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Just keep in mind: simplicity is key! Quoting: Anonymous Coward 657386indeed... It is a habit for me to ramble and detail things that may be unnecessary for plot development. But, i'm hoping that such might actually make for a more interesting read, like painting with a rainbow rather than only blue. I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
The Jurist User ID: 656067 United States 04/15/2009 04:33 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Hey, PM... You know what they say about opinions ` (Be) Divide(ed) and (be) Conquer(ed)... Don’t listen to what they say, watch what they do. ~There is Tranquility in Ignorance, but Servitude is its Partner. —me ~What luck for Rulers that Men do not Think. —Adolf Hitler :damned: Doom is optional. There is good news abounds. |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 04:42 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Hey, PM... You know what they say about opinions Quoting: The Juristyeah... but when it comes to something that you would 'market' to others, opinions are nice to have so that you can know what needs tweaking or if it should be scrapped altogether. I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 657452 United States 04/15/2009 04:48 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 04:56 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Too derivitive of John D. MacDonald. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 657452who? I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 401714 United States 04/15/2009 05:04 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 05:15 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | I like it, but it almost seems like you're concentrating too hard on your vocabulary skills rather than telling the story. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714yes, that is surely a part of it... I despise using the same terms over and over again when writing. Then again tho, that is also part of the format - an attempt at stalling while the story orders itself in my head... afterall, it is not of much direction yet. as of now, i'm trying to recall the activities of several days and events and mix them with over-exaggeration and complete fiction so that it has an air of familiarity for myself and believability for others. That said, I'd like to read more. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714alright, can do... I'm working on Chapter two right now, tho it might take a while, as i plan on it being longer than 1 was i'll post an update soon I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 657479 United States 04/15/2009 05:20 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Kanigo2 User ID: 442313 United States 04/15/2009 05:24 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Couple things magi.. take this to heart-- these recollections moments aren't for drunks.. here is how you get them into a story--- have the character 'remember this past event" then fill in the story line the way you just did-- for example they remember something after a "smell come across their senses-- while at another party-- this will allow "the reader' to develop a certain ambiance-- and maybe even Like the character--that you just wrote about. read Harold Robbins.. If you like this style of honesty... The paybacks will be tremendous. Last Edited by Kanigo2 on 04/15/2009 05:24 PM Alt+F4 Allows GodLikeProductions User to Check Current score in Thread Dialog. "GLP has some batty shit, but yours takes the fucking biscuit "-Disputed- Hurray for Anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life. |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 657454 United States 04/15/2009 05:26 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 252372 United States 04/15/2009 05:26 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 05:32 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | You asked. If you don't really want opinions don't ask. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 657479no, it's not that... i was wondering who he is. i've never heard the name before I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 05:36 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Couple things magi.. Quoting: Kanigo2take this to heart-- these recollections moments aren't for drunks.. here is how you get them into a story--- have the character 'remember this past event" then fill in the story line the way you just did-- for example they remember something after a "smell come across their senses-- while at another party-- this will allow "the reader' to develop a certain ambiance-- and maybe even Like the character--that you just wrote about. read Harold Robbins.. If you like this style of honesty... The paybacks will be tremendous. thank you, but i'm not quite sure what you mean. are you speaking of : "Again, there must be something that we can consume or do in order to wake our minds and invigorate our senses. But what could that be? What do I have or can I obtain that will further the efforts of this great mission? The mission, I recall we had decided last night, was that today would be a day of leisurly mind expansion and fine dining on beer soaked bratwurst and hashbrowns while 'camping' by the riverside. Ah, yes, I remember now... The mushrooms. " that there should be a 'flashback' or something before mention of the mission, or a story to describe the event in which it was decided? I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Kanigo2 User ID: 442313 United States 04/15/2009 05:43 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | that there should be a 'flashback' or something before mention of the mission, or a story to describe the event in which it was decided? Quoting: The Psychedelic MagiEXACTLY! Once you perfect that technique-- you can always toss "segnments of stories like this in to the story line" and 'suggest a lesson' from the reading.. Its like pulp fiction.. You knew the answer,already, but ya didn't understand it till ya died..or lived to see another day.. LOL Absolutely.! Like life.. Alt+F4 Allows GodLikeProductions User to Check Current score in Thread Dialog. "GLP has some batty shit, but yours takes the fucking biscuit "-Disputed- Hurray for Anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life. |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 05:47 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | EXACTLY! Quoting: Kanigo2Once you perfect that technique-- you can always toss "segnments of stories like this in to the story line" and 'suggest a lesson' from the reading.. Its like pulp fiction.. You knew the answer,already, but ya didn't understand it till ya died..or lived to see another day.. LOL Absolutely.! Like life.. alright, lemme see what i can do with it. i'll post back in a minute I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Woody User ID: 654407 United Kingdom 04/15/2009 05:47 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Hi, I am a writer. You're a little bit all over the place - the only advice I would give would be to keep re-reading and adjusting it until it becomes more snappy and says what you want it to straight off. This is even possible with elaborate descriptions where the very pace of the description can itself hold the interest. Otherwise good content. Woody ;¬) |
Sombra User ID: 657523 United States 04/15/2009 06:10 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | I like it, but it almost seems like you're concentrating too hard on your vocabulary skills rather than telling the story. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 401714That said, I'd like to read more. Yeah, drunks don't think that clearly. It could be intersting (keep your tenses in line). And I agree, if you can keep it up, it will be interesting to read. |
mussen User ID: 383866 Canada 04/15/2009 06:45 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Good stuff! I agree with others that you need to develop a less wordy style. Your story won't be appealing if you write it as though you are the druggie. In fact, why don't you write it using -he instead of -I? I think some distance will help you pare down the internal monologue. Think of your main character as someone who is not you. Develop a narrator that's a bit more neutral than any character could be. It will help you paint a picture of these guys. At the very least, this will let people see your main character as fallible in some way without feeling like they are judging you as the author. (I like books written in the first person, but I just sense you're too close to this character and if the reader senses this they might lose interest...unless of course you were already famous and this was a biography). People don't think like they would write, and I'm reading someone's thoughts...so they're too prosaic. Try writing his thoughts in a more fragmented way and use a narrator to fill in the emotions that are driving him by observing how he moves, what he looks like (or by just knowing as narrators do). Get out of your own head and imagine someone new. Infuse the character and story with what it is you want to communicate, but embed something you haven't experienced in them as well. Observe others, go places you haven't been (not just via deep thinking or altered perception). BTW, you can't stagger to a sitting position. Staggering requires that you are (still) on your feet. Keep it coming! |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 649520 United States 04/15/2009 06:58 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | honest..i am a prolific and shrewd reader, your first paragraph had me. went on to the second...and lost me at the third. ya might wanna intro duce a new aspect there, we heard about the wild night, good job. move on...suggestion..what bright and sardonic ephiphany did you get from this most auspicious night? i admire those who have the energy and balls to write, ain't me! |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 06:59 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Good stuff! Quoting: mussenI agree with others that you need to develop a less wordy style. Your story won't be appealing if you write it as though you are the druggie. In fact, why don't you write it using -he instead of -I? I think some distance will help you pare down the internal monologue. Think of your main character as someone who is not you. Develop a narrator that's a bit more neutral than any character could be. It will help you paint a picture of these guys. At the very least, this will let people see your main character as fallible in some way without feeling like they are judging you as the author. (I like books written in the first person, but I just sense you're too close to this character and if the reader senses this they might lose interest...unless of course you were already famous and this was a biography). People don't think like they would write, and I'm reading someone's thoughts...so they're too prosaic. Try writing his thoughts in a more fragmented way and use a narrator to fill in the emotions that are driving him by observing how he moves, what he looks like (or by just knowing as narrators do). Get out of your own head and imagine someone new. Infuse the character and story with what it is you want to communicate, but embed something you haven't experienced in them as well. Observe others, go places you haven't been (not just via deep thinking or altered perception). I'll take that into consideration. It might make it a bit easier to fill the gaps, whereas, instead of just one steady thought process, I could have parts of that as well commentary and narration thereupon. BTW, you can't stagger to a sitting position. Staggering requires that you are (still) on your feet. Quoting: musseni know... that's exactly why i used it there... to give exaggeration to the difficulty of the move. Keep it coming! Quoting: mussenI will do so. I'll post up the next chapter and 'corrections' on this one when i get them further done. Thank you for the advice. I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 649520 United States 04/15/2009 07:02 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | ya gotta grab em at the first sentence, and ya did. i think you did well, i dint read the whole thing, as i said, i am picky, but i think ya got a good start there. i am fierce in my reading, unless i am really hard up, i wont go past 2 sentences and ya held me for a whole paragraph, good job, i heard a good writer is one who reads voraciously, i believe it. my current fave is brent weeks, he even dodders, but i can put up w/it because he has alot of soul. |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 649520 United States 04/15/2009 07:04 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Just keep in mind: simplicity is key! Quoting: The Psychedelic Magiindeed... It is a habit for me to ramble and detail things that may be unnecessary for plot development. But, i'm hoping that such might actually make for a more interesting read, like painting with a rainbow rather than only blue. |
The Psychedelic Magi (OP) User ID: 657309 United States 04/15/2009 07:07 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | well, thank you, 520 i like that you are straight up and not 'putting it softly' in your comments. I definitely have some honing and sharpening to do... This is the first attempt at writing i've made since i was 12 i think Last Edited by The Psychedelic Magi on 04/15/2009 07:08 PM I WILL NOT let consequences dictate my course of action! A.K.A - Aresh, Awakened Me, An Ominous Coward (Howard), The Goddess Pandora, Aumon Haht Fith Ashai, Within The Flower and a few others... ------------------------------------ In all things, i am flowing back thru and in and out, within and without and beyond them. This is the Cosm. This is both I and You. I am the Truth, and I am the Lie - I am the very spark of the Divine! ------------------ as soon as you even go near these things your ego knows what it is.. its all like "what ya gonna do with that?" "Hope you not gonna take it" "cause i will throw myself down on the floor and scratch, claw and bite and tantrum" - Kyuubi "the gift of love makes much more sense than frankincense gold and myrhh" - Only Me |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 649520 United States 04/15/2009 07:07 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Hi, Quoting: Woody 654407I am a writer. You're a little bit all over the place - the only advice I would give would be to keep re-reading and adjusting it until it becomes more snappy and says what you want it to straight off. This is even possible with elaborate descriptions where the very pace of the description can itself hold the interest. Otherwise good content. Woody ;¬) |
Myst User ID: 657564 United States 04/15/2009 07:12 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Use words sparingly - read "Of Mice and Men" for example. Avoid passive verb structure. And from an article I read about how to write fantasy stories: "Show" don't "tell". Did you find any scrapes or bruises when you felt your head in paragraph 1? I'd have rather read "Pain shot down my forehead as my fingers found a jagged cut at the edge of my hairline on the left side of my forehead". I'm no writer, but since you wanted opinions - here's another one, for what it's worth. Good luck!!! |
khnum User ID: 455005 Australia 04/15/2009 09:56 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
D. Bunker 04/15/2009 10:02 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Other than some spelling and grammatical issues you can easily find, it is OK. I think some word choice could be simplified, but my vocabulary may be limited in English. :savetata: Favorite Quote - "I just fucking love outer space, it has all those planets and stars and shit." - Mister Obvious 2009 |