I wrote this letter to my wife.She laughted and said I should share it...so here it is.

Dear sweetie,

Imagine this if you would.
You wake up one day hungry, but not just for anything. You want to eat at the Ultimate Steak house. The only restaurant you have been to in years because they have the best New York strip on earth and treat you like a king. It is a architecturally nearly perfect. The warm exterior with beautiful pillars, two wonderful hanging lights, and windows that are tinted blue. Inside the environment is warm and welcoming , even the sign into the kitchen is somehow inviting "authorized entry only" in pink letters. They know your name, and always treat you well. The service is top notch, and you always have enough left over's to eat for days. Sometimes they even have deserts you like. There is no mess to clean up and you did not have to make the food yourself. You never leave unhappy and always look forwarding to going again soon.

So after thinking about that New York strip all day you go to the Ultimate Steak House. Bad news. They had a pipe burst and will be closed for the next five days. Sad you drive home passing a Hot Box burger joint ,but decide not to go as what you really want is the Ultimate Steak house New York strip, it is really the only place you eat out at any more. You get home hungry and watch some TV. Nothing but commercials for food of all types. Now starving you head to the kitchen. Hmmm not much here. You find some beans. Sure it has the nutrition of a steak, but it is not what you wanted. After cooking them and cleaning up the mess you are full but not really satisfied. For the next four days you eat beans because you do not want to go shopping no one even carries New York Strip that can compare and really do not want to find a new place to eat out, you really just want to eat at the Ultimate steak house.

After almost a week of waiting you go back to the Ultimate steak house. They are open, but more bad news. There is no table available tonight and you did not remember to make a reservation. Crushed you drive home passing a North Pole candy store. You of course do not stop for overpriced Candy you want the best New York strip on the planet, not a bunch of sugar and crap that will not satisfy you. Home hungry you surf the web. Every single page has an advertisement for food. Starving you go look in the pantry and find beans. Having eaten beans for a week you really want something else. You manage to find some ham to put in the beans. At least it is not just plain beans.

Today is the day! You have a reservation and are set to eat at the Ultimate Steak house, mmm New York strip. As you walk up to the door you see the manager you know well run up to it and lock it ,turning the sign to closed! You bang on the door but they do not answer. Pissed off you head home passing the Oriental express a shabby place that you are sure you have no interest in. Home to beans. This repeats for 3 more days. You still do not know why they are not letting you in for your steak, where you mean to the staff or did you offend management somehow?

You are dying to eat at the Ultimate steak House, and REALLY want that New York strip! You go back after a few days of not even trying. The manager greets you at the door ,your reservation is in order and you take a seat. Today you will get your steak! The server comes to take your order. You ask for the New York Strip. He says sorry the Chef was sick today ,would you like a salad? The chef had been worn out over the last week trying to make everyone happy. He should be back in a few days after he gets some rest. Disgusted you head home passing a bar you used to eat at in your youth the Hobby Shack. You remember the food there, it was never very good and the service was insanely bad. All you want is a New York strip at the Ultimate Steak house! You get home and heat up some beans adding a little bacon.

Today you are tired. On the way home you pass the new Tofu and Pita bread place called Hot pocket. They keep sending you adds and you meet the manager one day taking lunch to a friend of yours. The manager promised you delivery any time anywhere just give them a ring. The menu was half deserts in the ad and it was priced at buy one get one free. You still want to go to the Ultimate steak house and get your New York strip, but you are too tired to even try. You really do not feel like beans so you just go to sleep hungry.

You do not bother to make a reservation. You get to the Ultimate steak house only to find a sign."Closed indefinitely due to plumbing issues". No New York Strip today. On the way home you pass the oldest hot dog stand in town. It has been around forever, and you hear the prices are dirt cheap, but you have no idea what is in their dogs, you have heard rumors though. You make beans and dream about New York Strip. At this point you would just be happy with a desert.

Today maybe? You make reservations, asking if the Chef is going to be in tonight the manager says yes. You get to the ultimate steak house excited you are finally going to get your steak! The waiter knows what you want, and apologizes right away. We are sorry but the grill is broken. We cannot make your steak tonight. At a total loss for words you head home passing Cha Cha Mexican restaurant on the way home. You wonder if they have New York strip, but then realize you really just want to eat at the Ultimate Steak house no one does New York strip as well, and there is no way Cha Cha can beat the staff. I guess it is beans, bacon, and some ham again tonight.

You wake up in a great mood. Today has to be the day. You are dying for that New York Strip! Reservations made, Chef is there, and the grill is back up and working. The manager stops you on the phone though. He says, you do realize there is a shortage of New York Strip and we do not have any right? Then he says, why don't you just wait and let us call you when we can get you your New York strip? You hang up and go to the kitchen to make some beans. You really do not want them ,but you are hungry. You get them made finally but they just taste awful and you have a mess to clean up again. All you can think about is the Ultimate Steak house, and the best New York Strip on the planet.
....a few days later.

Great news! The manager calls you and tells you that your table is ready. Everything is in order and as soon as you get there your New York Strip will be ready and waiting! You have a great meal and remember why it is you only eat at the Ultimate steak house! The best food ever. The best staff. Friendliest service. You leave feeling full and satisfied like you have not been in over a month with enough left over's to last days. Maybe next time you will try an extra special desert.

I wonder if my next visit will be when I choose, by appointment, or will I have to wait for management to give me a call when the New York Strip is available? Let's hope I do not have to wait long.


Ultimate steak house= My sweetie
New York Strip= Sex or fooling around with my Sweetie
Beans= masturbating
Ham=porn
bacon=toys
Rest self explanatory.
ps...
I am sick of beans :P