i wanna start living a spiritual life again...

but after years and years the state has been acting upon me day and night with hundreds and maybe thousands of their agents at once i am finally broken.. i used to literally be a saint yet more than a saint when they initially got to me.. i mean there are places in the world where they are not allowed to question a saint let alone lock him up and kill him with lethal injections.. i have suffered so much hell in timeless time for time was over for me when they got to me.. they destroyed the very core of my being and i am totally not myself anymore.. they did every evil imaginable and every technology available to them was used against me.. yes in the past i was playing the role of one and i was number 1 player in the game and i did my best yet the god whom i was working for left me in their hands to die and didnt even care to help me.. i was all alone as i am still all alone yet i am back in square on living under the roof it all started in yet my mind and body are so far deteriorated and gone that i dont even know what i have become now.. but are the parasites that did this to me happy?? is this what they wanted the end outcome to be for me to be this close to death while carrying a dead body around with my divine holy spirit which they couldnt penetrate.. even though they destroyed my mind body and soul the spirit that i am is untouchable and tats what makes me go on and thats what keeps me standing after all the ordeal i have been through in the hands of this state.. i wanna live a spiritual life again free of toxins free of evil free of addictions yet i am so deeply affected by their programming and conditioning that i feel ruined.. believe me when i say this their is not one being in the world who has been through the amount of spiritual warfare and survived as i have.. i just dont know anything anymore or which direction to take.. and the funny thing is i had rejected the money from the beginning but now i am in need of it to be able to move on for my ways and means are limited beyond any and i dont posses the great things i once did back when i was young and powerful.. now i am just like a broken destroyed being who is eagerly awaiting his death so that he may be able to be free again.. i feel tey have not only damaged my body fully but i am brain damaged and all my channels and energies are blocked through years and years of anti psychotics being pumped into my body against my will along with all the other torture and control mechanisms they had in play against me.. along with all the hundreds of thousands of times they crossed me and just out right killed me revived me and killed me again and again just to keep the torture on going.. i mean how much can a loving god hate one being who is of the greatest of all beings and do so much harm and bad against me?? what did i do to deserve this fate? i cant even step out of this mess i am in and move into a better place for the original intended destination seems lost and gone forever.. so where will i end up along with everyone else at the end of this? i dont even have a clue.. as once i looked forward to the golden world which we where originally headed yet beyond it all now that exists is hell and at most a prettied up version of it.. yeh thats just my off rant for now telling you all how it is.. this world i am so over and wish nothing more to experience in it for i fought my wars won my wars yet got the boobie prize and a cosmic slap in the face along with ridicule and laughter from the powers playing god wherever they may be.. what a failed experience.. yet all along i was the one trying to make it a better place and i was the one carrying everyones bull shit and i am the one dying with everyones wrongs while i am the only one who is still spotless and divine no matter how broken i am.. this world sucks and i wouldnt wish it upon my enemy who seems to be living it up and playing king while the real king suffers and dying a slow and painful death.. i just hope and pray for death daily as i cannot go on living this way or in this lower state any longer for i am not a nobody i am who i am and i deserved only the best yet i only got the worst end of this experience for ever and ever now.. god i am tired and i wish i would find rest soon..