Funny how things work out in this world, huh?

For some time now, I've felt this bit of time preceding the end of the Mayan calendar (roughly starting at August) that this is the year we see the collapse of the reality we've all grown to know. Not necessarily relating to the calendar, rather the current state of affairs globally. And considering the fact 2012 has been hammered into our brains, for whatever reason. If there are so many calendars, why is this one being taken up as more important than the others?

Needless to say, the world is in a rut. I have, of course, accepted the possibility that I am wrong.

I prayed to God nightly that my last days would not be spent alone. Lacking the only thing that I have ever wished to achieve in this life. True love. And for the naysayers claiming such a thing does not exist, this is not the thread for you.

My ex moved from this town two years ago after our "breakup". Not because of me, of course, but to progress her academic pursuits and wants. I had moved on, but surely my feelings for her had not subsided. Though it very well may have been one-sided, I had a connection with her that I had not had with anyone else.

She moved back this August to go to school here. And the only reason I knew she was back is a funny happenstance in and of itself. I was getting on Facebook to permanently delete it, when I noticed a message. A part of me wanted to disregard it, and proceed. But, I didn't.

It was her. Responding to a message I sent a year prior to her response to it. Which was only me asking her how she had been doing. She told me she was back in town. I sort of laughed at the odds of something like this happening. Were she to have waited any longer to send a reply, she would have discovered my account was no longer there, and I would have never known she was in town.

We had been talking for a period of time after this, and grown close again. And recently, I told her my address. I wanted her to know where I was in the event of things going south. I didn't go into specifics. Only that I read into conspiracies theories, claiming for every 30 ludacris ones, there are a couple of reasonable ones. She accepted that from me, unlike everyone else I tried to tell on Facebook.

I had thought she moved here alone (she has a boyfriend, but I thought she moved to think about things). And that this was perhaps God allowing me a chance at love before I died.

Yesterday, I asked her why her boyfriend didn't move with her. She and I smoked some herb in her apartment, and it seemed as if it was only her living there. She told he had moved with her, and that he was only out of town for a couple of days.

And here I am. Played a fool by only myself. Thinking such an incredible coincidence as receiving a message right before deleting my Facebook might have been a sign. When, in reality it now only feels like a slap in the face.

I do not blame God. For everything bad that happens to be, I accept it as just punishment from God for my wrongdoings.

I've accepted that this is perhaps the biggest punishment I could ever imagine. Not to say I am not happy for her, and I am in no way mad at anyone but myself.

All of this to say, no matter how awful a happening might seem. No matter how unfair, or how brutally painful — it is just. I am not a material person. The pursuit of wealth and a long-lasting life is of no concern to me. I do not care about academic success, or career progression. True love, and an interconnectedness with my soulmate is all I have asked for and longed for.

I believe God has punished me in the most heinous way possible for someone such as me, and I only blame myself.

To blame God for your troubles is to remove blame from yourself. You are to blame, just as I am. To blame God for the current state of affairs is to remove blame from your fellow humans, when it has always been our own fault. But, nobody wants to blame themselves when they have an easy target that doesn't verbally speak back to you.

And for all the trolls who feed off of threads like this, off of people expressing their feelings, I hope you enjoy.

I just wanted to vent. And I got tired of venting to myself. So, I chose to vent to you for whatever reason, even though it will be greeted with name-calling and an attempt at degradation.