Basement Dweller Diet

A hungry young gentlesir has two nutritional guidelines to follow.

The first is the Four Neckbeard Food Groups: (a) transfats (b) high fructose corn syrup (c) refined sugars (d) artificial flavors.

Now, a noble Kind Knight cannot do battle on Blizzard servers, nor woo m'ladies nor please m'waifus without the proper diet. The Four Neckbeard Food Groups are insufficiently specific for such lofty goals.
This is where the Neckbeard Food Pyramid comes in, a simple guide for maximum chivalry.

The base of the pyramid is Mountain Dew, or in a crunch, Monster Energy Drink. It provides the necessary artificial sweeteners, flavoring, and high fructose corn syrup to get a neckbeard through his day (3pm-6am).

There is no scientific consensus on the second tier. There is widespread agreement that Cheetos and Doritos occupy two spots, as they provide the transfats needed to process deep thoughts about astrophysics and philosophy, while simultaneously offering a protective layer of dust to keep a Sir's beard fresh. The third ingredient is up for debate, some say Fritos, some say Lay's Sour Cream and Onion chips, but there is at least some consensus that Fritos do adequately fit the bill.

The third tier for the neckbeard who has time for the full banquet. This is the processed food tier. Hot pockets, Hungry Man dinners, microwavable burritos keep hot food in a neck beard's ample belly -- to sustain him through cold nights of gaming and pleasing his m'FlutterShy. The other third-tier food is the Twinkie, or in a pinch other means of sustenance prepared by m'lady Little Debbie. If the neckbeard ventures from his neckbeard nest, m'Denny's or m'Taco Bell are suitable replacements, according to leading Bearding Scientists.