Just went went with my daughter and 2 cops to get her shit....

Thank you for posting this AC. Thank you for telling your experience.

It is so nice to know that at least someone out there was able to break the cycle and can see it for what it is.

I have seen so many women do the opposite. In fact, the need to be a victim is actually quite a popular mindset. I deliberately didn't go into why it works the way that it does because there are so many reasons and variations. It's not one box fits all. It never is. Everyone is different. Everyone is unique with a unique past that belongs to them.

However, there are many common things and one of the biggies is that deeply embedded in the sexual relationship between men and women from the female side (ignoring men for now), women go for as much of an alpha male as they evaluate their self-worth to be able to "pull". At a purely physical attraction level, it's that more than anything else that turns a woman on and makes her want to breed. Which is what all this is really about when you take away all the layers of the mask.

There are many ways that this hunt for the alpha male takes place. Many women desire the male that they feel is their alpha high score and seek to entice him using the many devices that women have. I.e. It's a go out and get him play. Others try to ensnare him socially to force the issue, still others choose to eliminate any competition hoping to be the only choice left for him. The game plans are many and varied.

However, nearly all women need to feel validated in their choice of mate (men, BTW have a bigger, more obvious need than women for validation). This validation is varied as well. If other women focalise appreciation of the male, that's a big plus. Commonly accepted measures such as wealth, physical strength, etc are also means of validation. But the most important validation is if the male displays behaviour that says "I could get better than you". There are many variations of this. "Keeping her on her toes" is a euphimism for this behaviour.

Some behaviour is as simple as him going out for "boys' nights". Another form is when he has girls hitting on him. Yet another form is the "put up or shut up" method of sorting out differences of opinion. I.e. "I am not that bothered about losing you". All these behaviours validate to the woman that she has hooked the most alpha male of the bunch that she possibly can given her own reality in terms of pulling power.

But look carefully and this validation means that the woman, to various degrees has the threat of losing her catch validating her desire for her catch. And this is a sexual thing. So by having to work to keep her man, or feeling that she can lose him to a more eager and worthy rival, the value and status of that man rises in her eyes.

Put it this way, the same man who she can completely rely on, completely trust, who is regular as clockwork, always there for her, can never do enough for her and she can take absolutely for granted... he dramatically loses his appeal. the word often used is "boring" but in reality, such relationships see the couple "doing" much more... holidays, nights out, etc... as the male desperately tries to patch up a failing relationship never dreaming that the very act of running after the woman reduces his value way below what it rightfully should be because now she feels that it is he who got the very best that he could get. I.e. She can do better.

This isn't about love, morals or even happiness. This is about that raw energy, the fission and friction, the spark that makes a women desire a man (and vice verse).

So now we come to the abusive relationships and the victim's mentality. This is normally a female trait. Certain women get their validation from abuse. They may hate it. They may wish for it to go away. They may even get depressed and consider suicide because of abuse. But the lows that the abuse puts then through makes the highs seem even higher. The man who cannot do enough for his woman, is always fawning at her, when he brings home flowers it's nothing special. In fact, she will dismiss them as the wrong colour, too much money spent, whatever. The bottom line is, she won't appreciate it.

But the man who abuses her, makes her feel terrible about herself, tells her she's worthless and useless... when he brings home some flowers, even cheap plastic ones, they mean the world to her. Its knickers on the ground time. She's weak at the knees, can't do enough for him, walking on cloud 9, the world is a wonderful place.

The extreme lows produce extreme highs and the bastards out there abuse that. They know that carrot and stick works. They get off on the abuse of power and the suffering of the woman. And in many ways seeing her elated for this sort of man is pathetic. He's already emotionally moving towards slapping her all the way down into despair once more, knowing that he can do it because she's so pathetically happy (validated) that she will forgive him for everything. And will continue to do so.

That's how it works. That's why the women do it. That's why they stick around even though for some poor sods it eventually kills them. The reason is that nature is driving them, they cannot help it. This is how they get their kicks. This is how they feel validated. In a very perverse way, when they are feeling utterly helpless, devastated and often in pain, that's when they are the most "happiest" in that feel "this is what I deserve". And with that the mind kicks in with all sorts of justifications because that's the way that the mind works.

High, low, high, low. Have you ever had "make up sex"? How many people will say that the best sex is "make up sex"? More importantly, how many women will say this because it's a female experience. The male, he is physical. Yep, that's a hot bit of sack action, yeah, makeup sex is great. But here's the difference. Do the same thing physically to him without the emotional trauma before and nearly all men will rate the sex the same or possibly better because of the absence of prior trauma.

It is the women, for whom sex is an emtional as well as physical thing, that see a huge difference and the two experiences are completely different even if the physical things done are the same. Do the same bed jive after a pleasant meal out v.s. after three days of screaming, abuse, hostilities and emotional trauma and the latter will be red hot make-up sex, the former a good bonk after a nice night out.

For women in abusive relationships, this "make up sex" principle applies outside the bedroom in their "normal" lives and it applies to their sense of self, validation of mate and surrender of power and responsibility. In many ways it's an "easy cop-out".

And this takes us right back here, to this thread and OP, who has decided to only take on board "nice posts", i.e. posts that support her mindset. She doesn't want to be challenged and made to think about reality and the possibility that actually she is to blame. This doesn't suit the victim mentality when it's too real. During abuse, yes, chuck blame both real and fictitious at her. Push her low, low, low. But only by the abuser.

The woman who is beaten down, abused and taking it in bucket loads from her abused will snap and snarl and fight back if someone else references the same phrases or seeks to do the same to her as a 3rd party.

I won't go into how that works, but suffice to say here that OP has demonstrated these principles here on this thread.

What's good to read are the posts from other women who, having been in that same situation, were able to move on.

It's so very nice to know that there are victims out there who have changed into self-sufficient, wise ladies able to get their self-worth from simply being themselves and living their lives on their terms.

352356 wrote:
"And this takes us right back here, to this thread and OP, who has decided to only take on board "nice posts", i.e. posts that support her mindset. She doesn't want to be challenged and made to think about reality and the possibility that actually she is to blame. ..."

Actually, she isn't to blame! Your posts are mostly full of BS in that they concern only women. You are obviously male and wouldn't understand the psyche of what makes women tick, so you just make stuff up as you go along.

I think OP is quite capable of handling her own emotions and mindset as she tries to help her daughter through this difficult period. The "nice posts" that she has received are encouraging, mostly based on personal experience, and not demeaning as are yours. I wouldn't listen to you, either.

Sometimes we have to kiss a bunch of frogs before we find our prince.
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352356 wrote:
"And this takes us right back here, to this thread and OP, who has decided to only take on board "nice posts", i.e. posts that support her mindset. She doesn't want to be challenged and made to think about reality and the possibility that actually she is to blame. ..."

Actually, she isn't to blame! Your posts are mostly full of BS in that they concern only women. You are obviously male and wouldn't understand the psyche of what makes women tick, so you just make stuff up as you go along.

I think OP is quite capable of handling her own emotions and mindset as she tries to help her daughter through this difficult period. The "nice posts" that she has received are encouraging, mostly based on personal experience, and not demeaning as are yours. I wouldn't listen to you, either.

Sometimes we have to kiss a bunch of frogs before we find our prince
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Thanks hon for your support, I have problems wondering about ac 352356 myself. Unfortunately women are the ones who have to pick up all the slack in these relationships in order to have the needs of their children taken care of. I am one of the ppl who believe that men come and go, but your children are your children for life

"Anger management problem" ???

That's entirely too PC!!! Call a spade a spade ... the man's a bully and a wife beater.

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A good ol' ass whoopin.
Now you're talkin!

That's exactly what it sounds like he needs.

;)
Good luck to you and your daughter!

Hippigal, I've seen these abuse cases all my life. It takes a strong woman to leave her abuser - they pay attention to her wherein other men won't, so they keep going back. And with a million excuses as to justify it.

Your daughter needs to grow a spine and walk away.

She needs to leave him for another woman - HERSELF.

Jesus H., this sounds like the country song "Stand By Your Man" and no wonder why so many of those type songs are big hits. I swear to gawd if you start playing a country song backward, the dog will come back, the husband starts treating you right, you stop drinking and you end up on Little House on the Prairie.

Only in real life, it doesn't work that way. She's gotta do the work. NO MORE EXCUSES!!! LEAVE THE F*CKER!!