Q: Why don´t cannibals eat clowns?

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don´t eat the coleslaw.


Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho´s.


Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn´t eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho´s
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scraps


Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.


Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it´s better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don´t
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.


Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

I shoulda known...

the Teet

This is kinda on the subject. I was scuba diving in the Bahamas about 20 years ago. We all had bright colors of scuba geer. The black native guide was pulling on his black scuba geer and said the natives all wear black because the sharks don´t eat black meat. This has blown my mind ever since. Maybe by sharing it, the thought will go away forever. thank you for listening..

This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.
"That´s ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it,
you know."
"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

****************************************

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it´s now illegal to print a
picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

*****************************************

What´s the biggest drawback in the jungle?

The Elephants foreskin.


**************************************

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I´ll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter´s foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs for
that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....


Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there´s a pussy in trouble.

needed that, thanks

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I´m a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it´s difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can´t you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:

- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

*****************************************

How are lawyers like sperm?

One out of a million turns out to be a human being.


*************************************

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Young
man, you´re much too young to smoke!"

The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"

The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say
that to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"

*********************************************

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells
nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor´s office and tells
him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The
supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What´s wrong with the
coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He´s a midget."


***********************************************

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The
first mouse slams
down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I´ll run into
one on purpose and as
it´s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty
times." And with that
he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That´s nothing. I take
those Decon
tablets, cut ´em up, and snort ´em just for the fun of it." And with
that he slams another
shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
two mice look at
each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell
are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I´m going home to fuck the cat."

"First," said the playboy,
"I´m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you´re not," said the girl.
"Then I´ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you´re not."
"Then I´ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you´re not."
"Then I´m going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you´re not."
"And I´m not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

***********************************************

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when
we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",
She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then
asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

******************************************

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,
but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody!!! ...

*********************************************

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he´d have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it´s a damned lie!"

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You´ve won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...

************************************************

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her
senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
"I´m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I´ll love it. It´s my
child and I´ll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it´s my child, and I´ll love it regardless."
"And it hasn´t got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn´t have a body, or a face. In fact,
your child is only a very, very big ear."
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her
son.
"Sonny, dear, it´s me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it´s deaf."


*************************************************

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was
placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would
choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared,
since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a
whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man´s only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed
between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies
before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the
music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She
motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside
her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped
toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She
threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her
thighs. She rode on the tiger´s face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That´s quite an act,...
Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem,
just get that tiger out of the cage!

************************************************

Working With The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I´m calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux´s house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux´s house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it´s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

*********************************************

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher´s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I´ll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don´t used profanity in the house of
the Lord".

The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".

The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".

The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

*************************************************

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad´s do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I´m sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

*********************************************

if you missed these with so much turmoil going on.

Laughing, good for health. (-:

Did you hear the one where an Iraqi a Yank and an Aussie walk into a bar?

??

No one survived!

"Laughing, good for health"

I agree, but that bachelor diet gave me peptic ulcer in my eyes...

Thanks Aussie.

Hello all

Octo, an ulcer

Cassie, your welcome.

for

Good Laughs mi amigo.

The Big Horse Race


Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry


At the Post:

And They´re off!!

Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson
in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it´s Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It´s Big Johnson giving everything
he´s got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and
wins by a head.
Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Santa Claus: An engineer´s perspective...


I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However,
since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions,
this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones
and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get
on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations),


we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa´s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second
--- 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds),
the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the
"flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can´t be done
with eight or even nine of them.
Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth
(the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance ---
this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion ,as a spacecraft re-entering the earth´s atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.
In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in
.001seconds, would be subjected to an inertial force of 17,500 g´s. A 250 pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he´s dead now. Sorry....

*********************************************************

How to shower: Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way,
flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water, not too hot.
5. Check for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don´t bother to look for a washcloth. (you don´t use >one)
8. Wash your face
9. Wash your armpits
10. Wash your private and surrounding area
11. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee (in the shower)
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Partial dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
19. Turn sideways, and flex muscles again.
20. Leave shower curtain open, wet bathmat on floor.
21. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her making the "woo" sound.
23. Leave wet towel on bedroom floor.
24. Fart

How To Shower: Like A Woman
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning
cause there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain
and whine even more about how you´re getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband
has once again been eating your ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can´t be bothered.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you´re like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country
20. Fluff
21. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
22. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
23. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up an exposed flesh immediately,
ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.

last ones for now.(-:



Through the kitchen window a farmer´s wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy´s in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you´ll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy´s father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?"

************************************

Why don´t witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.


*************************************


Save the Yeasts



EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.

Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don´t."

************************************************

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it! We´re closed...

*************************************************

Knock, knock!

Who´s there?

An escaped serial killer!

**************************************************
Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn´t even been coloured in yet.

****************************************************

Q. Where is an elephants sex organ ?
A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you´re fucked !

*********************************************************

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,
"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you´re gonna shit in
your pants when you hear what the price is."

Can´t allow a joke thread to drop to page 5 and stay there.
------------------------------------------

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team´s bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn´t understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: ´Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!´

I´m like...Helloooooo? It´s only 25 cents!!!!

CitizenPerth!