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Reactive Attachment Disorder

 
MHz
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User ID: 25505891
Canada
11/22/2012 02:32 PM
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Reactive Attachment Disorder
Anybody got any info on this, my step grandson was almost killed by his mom via crib abandonment and today at 24 he is really struggling with anger and drug abuse and loneliness issues. Any idea how to turn this kid around?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46877058
Canada
10/03/2013 07:54 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
I tried to be there for him, and to be honest W, I would have liked for him to be there for me too, but he is following the wrong crowd right now, and if I'm not careful, I'll get dragged into it too.

-J
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United States
10/03/2013 07:58 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
There is a great radio show about this. I'll find and post it.

Attachment disorder is pretty common, wide spread, and can really fuck people up. I have it to a degree, and I fucking hate it like nothing else. It's a bitch because a huge part of me longs for contact and love and connection, but then in situations that offer it I freak out nearly subconsciously. I end up pushing people away, I don't trust anyone, and I am pretty sure I will always be hurt no matter what.


It takes a lot of very consistent work. A lot. For everyone.


I'll find that show.


Anybody got any info on this, my step grandson was almost killed by his mom via crib abandonment and today at 24 he is really struggling with anger and drug abuse and loneliness issues. Any idea how to turn this kid around?
 Quoting: MHz
Anonymous Coward
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10/03/2013 08:01 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Anybody got any info on this, my step grandson was almost killed by his mom via crib abandonment and today at 24 he is really struggling with anger and drug abuse and loneliness issues. Any idea how to turn this kid around?
 Quoting: MHz


I do. I am a former special education teacher who dealt with children with RAD.

What's your question?
Anonymous Coward
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10/03/2013 08:03 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Might I also mention that I went through hell and back myself, as you know. At one point I was more of a trouble maker than your grandson.

The best bet is to be there to talk to him about this, and when the opportunity strikes, help to motivate him in the right direction.

I'm not sure if there is anyone **clean** in the family that could help...

I wish I could be there, but as I said I will end up dead if I get too close.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46695008
United States
10/03/2013 08:04 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Here ya go.

[link to www.thisamericanlife.org]


There is a friend that I work with that helps adoption agencies and orphanages in India and Africa to help them learn to let their helpers to attach to the kids, as they found the un-adopted kids were never able to contribute to their villages, even becoming violent and abusing woman. It's a really successful program there. However, I really wish there was one here and taught in school.

There are lots of resources on adult attachment disorder and counseling options. There are also programs for parents with children with attachment disorder. Seek them out from the local health department. Oregon has a great one for adults and families.

Listen to the shows at the link. Take a deep breath. And know that the guy really doesn't want to be that reactive.. He's hurting really bad, and every moment that usually opens vulnerability and connection and affection and love are actual triggers of threats for him....and he struggles to control it because his conscious knows it's not right...but his whole inner self is freaked out.

Love him regardless....show him you will always love him regardless.
Anonymous Coward
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Uruguay
10/03/2013 08:07 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
They say you have to re-live re-write the painful memories with him and heal him---find a one in a thousand therapist.

However, one can be abused and not turn out like that verysad
Anonymous Coward
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10/03/2013 08:38 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
bump

For some help
Exemplar

User ID: 43799730
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10/03/2013 08:40 PM

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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Anybody got any info on this, my step grandson was almost killed by his mom via crib abandonment and today at 24 he is really struggling with anger and drug abuse and loneliness issues. Any idea how to turn this kid around?
 Quoting: MHz


Tell him about Jesus Christ.
emerald_glow

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10/03/2013 09:05 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Human touch could heal...sad thing that they usually can't handle anyone hugging or caressing them, or just holding them close. There is energy, strenghth in touch.

Maybe a pet could make a difference?
Emerald_Glow
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10/03/2013 09:12 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
I would tell him to try Reiki - energy healing.
dpepper
User ID: 47836721
United States
10/03/2013 09:35 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
You have to be cautious with these type of people.
...sometimes a pet can help, but sometimes, the pet
becomes the object to control, and could get hurt.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
10/03/2013 09:40 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
this sounds simple minded, but an excellent nutritional program, with lots of B vitamins, magnesium and Omega 3.

and massage. Serious muscle massage. It takes time, and caring.

My ex husband was abandoned in a field when he was 4, then raised by the state.

I couldn't save him (because we had kids and it was either him or the kids) but I did him a world of good. He was worth saving. Wish I could have done it.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 47805087
United States
10/03/2013 10:46 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
I can't offer the OP any formal instructions but I deal with this just about every day as I was abandoned as a baby, spent my first 7 years in state and foster homes until I was adopted.

I fight it constantly, I tend to stay away from social gatherings and while I loath close personal relationships, I also yearn for them. While I have been married for almost 25 years its been a struggle but the biggest thing that has helped me has been myself as while I learned from a early age that it was me against the world, I use that to make my life better.

If you are trying to help a 24 year old, the best I can suggest is having learn about RAD as for myself I always knew that the way I was wasn't always normal but by me understanding why, it has offered me the chance to change if ever so little.

One thing that offers help is your acceptance of your step grandson, not necessarily saying to him that its ok but rather affirming to him that we are all different as reassurance goes a long way. At 24 years old, his personality is pretty much cast in stone so at this point its more of a understanding and acceptance which will provide the best. My wife has put up with me (as I have her) for so long because we both understand how each of us were raised.

One benefit from the way that I am is that my children are a positive result as they get a fierce sense of independence and drive to do things by themselves yet from my wife, they get a compromising attitude that understands and accepts the value of maintaing close personal bonds. The key that has held my family togather is simply a issue of acceptance, to not be too swayed that RAD is terrible, its a broad net that tries to explain a multitude of behaviors which some consider "negative" but it's rare that any one person fits in any given mold.

As far as drug abuse goes, nothing can be accomplished until that is resolved, as long as any substance is abused for it's escape value then nothing can be resolved. I was fortunate as drug abuse was never a factor due to the mannor my adoptive parents raised me so I can't relate or suggest what course to take in that but substance abuse is common and its a uphill battle when today's socieity allows this to be more common, its be become more acceptable to have a clouded mind rather than a clean sober frame of mind.

I wish you and your step grandson the best, seek knowledge but not from just one source but many. You are on the right track, keep up the good fight! He has to decide which is better, the way he is or to seek something better and then to fight for it.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
10/04/2013 12:27 PM
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Re: Reactive Attachment Disorder
Some pretty great advise there. Acceptance is a big one.

Did you get help at all? Therapy?

I wonder if going into a really good rehab clinic would help him out. Some of them tend to be very holistic, in the sense that they tackle EVERYTHING, not just getting you through the DT period. The poor guy needs to unlearn some burned in mental structures, and those are being reinforced with the drug abuse, (self medication). Giving up one will only inflame the other. So I am wondering if he tackles all of it in a safe and supporting environment, he will learn to trust others as well as himself, go through the worst physical experience of his life getting off the drugs, and also the worst emotional and mental time of his life. Being in his very early 20s means mentally developmentally that he still has a good chance to re-wire his brain some. He will always be a bit freaked, and tend to be scared and distrust a lot, but getting into a great treatment facility to get the whole thing rolling right can help a lot.

Best of luck




I can't offer the OP any formal instructions but I deal with this just about every day as I was abandoned as a baby, spent my first 7 years in state and foster homes until I was adopted.

I fight it constantly, I tend to stay away from social gatherings and while I loath close personal relationships, I also yearn for them. While I have been married for almost 25 years its been a struggle but the biggest thing that has helped me has been myself as while I learned from a early age that it was me against the world, I use that to make my life better.

If you are trying to help a 24 year old, the best I can suggest is having learn about RAD as for myself I always knew that the way I was wasn't always normal but by me understanding why, it has offered me the chance to change if ever so little.

One thing that offers help is your acceptance of your step grandson, not necessarily saying to him that its ok but rather affirming to him that we are all different as reassurance goes a long way. At 24 years old, his personality is pretty much cast in stone so at this point its more of a understanding and acceptance which will provide the best. My wife has put up with me (as I have her) for so long because we both understand how each of us were raised.

One benefit from the way that I am is that my children are a positive result as they get a fierce sense of independence and drive to do things by themselves yet from my wife, they get a compromising attitude that understands and accepts the value of maintain close personal bonds. The key that has held my family togather is simply a issue of acceptance, to not be too swayed that RAD is terrible, its a broad net that tries to explain a multitude of behaviors which some consider "negative" but it's rare that any one person fits in any given mold.

As far as drug abuse goes, nothing can be accomplished until that is resolved, as long as any substance is abused for it's escape value then nothing can be resolved. I was fortunate as drug abuse was never a factor due to the mannor my adoptive parents raised me so I can't relate or suggest what course to take in that but substance abuse is common and its a uphill battle when today's socieity allows this to be more common, its be become more acceptable to have a clouded mind rather than a clean sober frame of mind.

I wish you and your step grandson the best, seek knowledge but not from just one source but many. You are on the right track, keep up the good fight! He has to decide which is better, the way he is or to seek something better and then to fight for it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 47805087





GLP