Dear Crispin Chipner,
Due to the fact that Santa Claus is no longer real (because of complications arising from the latter half of The Philadelphia Experiment and Project: Rainbow), we have been instructed by the US Air Force Office of Special Investigations to take over "his" regularly scheduled gift delivery service.
This is what you (and every other "human") will be receiving for Christmas for the next 3759366202685926 years or until the planet "earth" is no longer a viable setting for life to exist:
Dear Kai,
It was unfortunate that the experiments did not work out as planned and Santa was eliminated from the time wave continuum. Hence from the age of three I set about to construct my own time machine made from a box of cheerio's, some copper I stripped from an old radio and some cubic zirconia taken from my mums jewellery box.
By the age of 33 I had completed my machine and went back to when the dinosaurs roamed, approximately 2400 years ago.
There I found Santa barricaded in a cave hiding from T-Rex. I offered to take Santa back on one condition, he would never again let kids sit on his lap and offer them candy.
Santa complied and I brought him to an alternate time line. He still has to compete with the Box, otherwise known as the TV, but he has copious amounts of amphetamines which we also brought back from the year 1973.
Santa also contracted an STD from that year and is being blackmailed by Magic Johnson & Eddie Murphy who have the cure.
Together Santa, Easter bunny and Stephen Hawkins have theorised earth will be non viable in the next 12 years, again voiding the contract I have with him to salt his sled way.
I also requested that Santa deliver you a space ship that has the capabilities to fly to the planets Mars & Venus. There you will find vampires and werewolves roaming in their natural habitat. Included in the space ship will be a high-powered zoom lens camera. I expect you to bring back cool pictures.
