new jokes

Cop turned up at my door the other day.

He held up a pic of my wife and said..

"Is this tour wife sir?"

I said.."yep...thats her alright..why?"

Cop said..."Apparently she has been hit by a bus...im really sorry sir"

I looked down sadly shakin my head and said..

"Yeah mate...I know...but she's an awesome cook and a top mum"

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.
-
Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “my wife.”

ROFL EXCELLENT!!!

LOL

Blokes tearin down the street totally pissed in the pouring rain.

Hes so drunk he's hitting every pole and bin and light.

Eventually the inevitable happens and he runs right u the arse end of a cop car.

The cop staggers outta the car and limps over the the drunk driver..Blood pourin out a deep gash in his forehead and groans out..


"You stupid...motorist..what the hell do ya think ya doin? Didn't ya see me?"

The drunk slurs out...

"well...I hit ya didn't I?"

wasn't me

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”

a Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says
- make me one with everything
the hot dog vendor makes one with all the toppings
says that will be 4.50

the Buddhist hands the vendor a 10 and takes the hot dog and then stands there and eats it
after which the Buddhist asks the vendor
- hey where is my change

the hot dog vendor says
- I can clearly see you are a Buddhist, surely you know that change must come from within

"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"

"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

listen Brian
you have to wait until you are married then you will get a period every month for a long time

:1049monster:

What do you call a big smoking pile of ash where califagia used to be?














Funny.

you mean California and Gomorrah

listen Sodomites
G-d ain't done with ya yet!

Thats true.

The quake is just around the corner.

Thats the punchline.

hahaha Fucken a movie stars back yard ?

A guy tells his friend, “Man I think my wife may be dead…”

Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”

Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy and there are empty beer cans allover the floor”

one of the best uses of the sounds from win XP



note: fiddy is the joke

You fools don’t realize that there are more conservatives in California than in any other state except Texas.

And the city of Paradise is a bastion of conservatism.

Last Edited by What is Aleppo on 11/11/2018 03:21 AM

but but im in AUSTRALIA

There this bloke sittin in a bar getting drunk and moanin about his wife to his friend.

He taked a big swig...burps...then slurs out..

"Ya know what Blue? Im sick of this whole marriage thing...ive haad enough ..burp"

Blue says.."but Bruce..ya wifes awesome...shes sweet...has a beaut bod..a pair of tits to die for...an ass you could fry bacon on...and she cooks n cleans and fucks like a rabbit...what is ya beef with her?"

Bruce burps loudly again and says..

"Well...yeah mate..shes bloody awesome. Its just..well...things are gettin a bit same ole same ole in the bedroom if ya know what I mean?"

Blue then says..

""Ahhh...mate...I know what ya mean mate. Look..ive been there..every couple hits that wall. Ya gotta spice things up a bit mate. You have been married for 20 years and you two root at least 5 times a day. Of course things are gonna get a bit on the repetative side."

Bruce takes another swig..and says interestedly..

"So...what do ya suggest Blue?"

Blue leans closer and says.."when me and me wife hit that wall..well...I turned her over..why don't
Ya try that?"

Bruce coughs and splutters out in a spray of beer...

"WHAT??..AND HAVE A HOUSE FULL OF FLAMIN KIDS??

b u t
I'm in canuckistan and all we ever hear about is the perversion
Cosby, Winestain, et al






just remembered this one too



Last Edited by Still-Here on 11/11/2018 03:41 AM

Not anymore.

Old one; still makes me smile..thnx.

A cop pulled me over and said "Your eyes are bloodshot...have you been smoking weed?"

And I said "No officer...Your eyes are glazed...have you been eating donuts?"

^this is a balltearer, mate. absolutely love it. genuinely LOL'd^

Haw! Was in Sydney 1990, found ancient shop (huge) of radio parts... owner died, widow showed up and sold me some parts...later met 2 Dudes who knew the place and the old lady.
They said "Oy! 'e ain't dead, e's just dead to HER!

And it was almost as if he were alive and standing with us as I looked through his stock of antique NOS 1930s radio parts.