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| 12:20 AM | ||
| Users Online Now: 1,770 (Who's On?) | Visitors Today: 30,853 | |
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| 12:20 AM | ||
A deeper layer of damage... | |
| AUselessNoob Offer Upgrade  User ID: 68896692  United Kingdom04/21/2020 02:08 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 78798083  Brazil04/21/2020 02:11 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 02:18 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A deeper layer of damage... thats what I mean. being destroyed on a deeper level. While all the other levels seems fine. But I know... I'm just NOT having fun in life. MISERABLE. MISERABLE. MISERABLE. MISERABLE. I hate it. I used to have specific people to complain against... or a school or what people had done to me or whatever. And the pain was "in trying to find people to care"... and I couldn't. Its like 20 years later than that now. I know humans by now. I know they are all to blame. They are all the same. They don't help. They don't want to know. And they don't care. Its just causing a deeper level of damage. I used to have such increidble amazing dreams... endlessly. Every day or a few times a week. And no matter how amazingly creative it was... each dream found a new way to be creative. It just... DIDN'T STOP. Or seem like it ever needed to. And it still doesn't need to. Except that it has. I'm just drained. Emotionally... and its physically damaging me too. Ruining my dreams... Making me look old.. I've lost. I'm a defeated loser. As far as anyone is concerned... thats what I am. A defeated loser. Someone who had great potential, but ignored, but kept all the energy and magics and dreams so blazingly strong, for decades. And now... then just ended. Dying. I WANT OUT. OUT OF THIS... I just want out. AUselessNoob |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 02:21 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | For months it felt like... "a cut that won't stop bleeding". I'd feel low... do a bunch of stuff to make myself feel great again... and have fun... next day or two days later... its all GONE. Just... fallen out from under the floor. Like my emotions sitting ontop of a steel-trap. All the blood just falls out into a chamber below. I gotta rebuild... But how many times can I rebuild? I NEVER USED to FEEL LIKE THIS. It wasn't like this before. Highs and lows, yes. ButNOT LIKE THIS. Not like "OK, everything just falls away... you gotta rebuild" And If I get bored of rebuilding? Become someone else? Like they want me to be? Someone BORING. STUPID. UGLY. OLD. CLOSE-MINDED? IDIOTIC AND POINTLESS AND LAME AND SPIRITLESS? OK? Despite all the qualities I had? WHAT DO I DO TO GET THIS WOUND HEALED???? SO I STOP JUSt LEttING ALL MY EMOTIONS FALL OUT FROM UNDER ME!!!???? Last Edited by AUselessNoob on 04/21/2020 02:25 PM AUselessNoob |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 02:23 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Cos right now... I gave up rebuilding. "My emotions and blood have fallen out for the last time... I can't even be bothered to rebuild for the 15th time, after I never had to do this before for like 39 years of living"... So then what? Just become old and lame and bornig? Enjoy stupid lame dreams everynight? Despite that I used to ahve better dreams than any film or movie like 100x over? Let my entire soul change? Is that it? Is this how I die? Last Edited by AUselessNoob on 04/21/2020 02:26 PM AUselessNoob |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 02:35 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Steph User ID: 74533487  United States04/21/2020 02:36 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | I know humans by now. I know they are all to blame. They are all the same. They don't help. They don't want to know. And they don't care. Quoting: AUselessNoob AUN You should know you're not alone. Others struggle too. Life is not easy. If you want the first thing to change should be what you know. Don't build walls around yourself when you're asking for help. That makes it your own fault, if you do. You might rather that something mysterious and magical would change everything for you. That's a shirking of your responsibility to create your own life, right there. You won't be forced to lead yourself because that's not possible. Change your thoughts. Instead of marinating your mind in "I LOST" and "I am deeply wounded" and "I'm alone" here's an advice that helped me a lot when I was...in a similar "place" to where you're at right now. I practiced thinking this: "My thoughts have changed, I'm different now." I'm not saying you should pretend you were never wounded. Pain is pain. You know your own pain, it's not up for debate. Going back to how things were before would be undoing of the wound. Moving forward is healing, but there's going to be a scar. |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 12376476  Denmark04/21/2020 02:41 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 26246982 United States04/21/2020 02:43 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 76316261 United States04/21/2020 02:44 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Hub Cap Halo User ID: 28408601 United States04/21/2020 02:45 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Hub Cap Halo User ID: 28408601 United States04/21/2020 02:48 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 77142859 04/21/2020 02:50 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | So I'm not even worried about world events. its all stupid. Quoting: AUselessNoob But ME. Im... deeply worried. I don't know how to describe it. I'm not worried about people lying to me to confuse me of who is good or bad. I'm not worreid about viruses. 5g is annoying but I'm sure I'll be OK. But didn't you see it? I ALREADY LOST. I've LOST ALREADY. I'm already broken. Just by WRITING THIS. I DIDN'T USED TO WRITE THIS WAY. I used to have my own style... my own deep resonance. Now I write like someone ELSE. a BORING person. A stupid boring normal human....!!! And I can't get out.... Its not about the writing, its EVErYthING. Even the sounds I LITERALLY MAKE. I catch myself making sounds, coughing sounds or "ummm/errrr" sounds or just random sounds a human makes. They don't sound like MEEE anymore. They sound like some lame bornig loser. I didn't used to make those noises. Not 2 years ago... or even 1. Even 4 months ago I was mostly free. Something happened to me... thats upset or damaged me deeply on some deep resonance level... relating to music and deep personality structures and MEANING and purpose and... resentment... or shall we call it "karmic tracking". I'm messed up on deep levels I don't even understand. Physically I'm fine. Mentally I'm fine. Spiritually... I'm... I don't even know how to say it. I'm not a "wreck" becasue I'm fighting back. I haven't lost my side. I haven't given up a single thing. But I'm losing uncontrollably. I'm defeated... I just feel defeat all the time... all the way through. I shouldn't have... felt that. But I did. There was no choice. It was too much. The pain... the threats and stress and damage became too much. I gave in and... Heres the thing.... I've become so run down and damaged by over-working. Over preparing. Over fighting. Over-resisting. Giving up... saves me from that. Saves me from damaging myself. Like the time I damaged my teeth from over-brushing. I mean it's obvious. You shouldn't damage your teeth from overbrushing, you should have SPMEONE TO GUIDE YOU. To the right amount. But no one does. Only ruins things. And so its the same on every other level. No one there. Only people to ruin things. and me to resist it all. Eventually the resistance becomes a great damage in itself. The sheer stress. So you give up. Are you REALLy giving up though? If you are "givign up" to stop damaging youreslf? Doesn't matter though... im in a mess of a state. Weak... and lost who I am. Just lost... my "song". My ways. My emotions. My resentment... my path. ... Happened around the same time all this corona business occurred... I dunno if theres any meaning to that. But it just shakes me like "its the end of an era, for you and for the world". I wanna go back. I just... wanna go back. I just wanna go back.... To how things were. At this point it's like being raped. You can either fight it or lie back and enjoy it. |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 77138915  France04/21/2020 03:14 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | The choice is yours and yours alone. If you cannot control your emotions and desires then they will rule your inner and outer life. The purpose of life is to LEARN to control your true self. You either progress in mastering your consciousness or you fail and must then try the same lesson again. Only you can take control of your thoughts and emotions and no one else can so this for you. You can sit there and whine about how bad life is and how unfairly you have been treated or you can DECIDE to find something good to focus on and then DECIDE not to let your thoughts and emotions stray from those positive aspects of life and yourself. If you cannot understand how to do this then you must perpetually live this lesson over and over again. Suicide will not free you nor will any type of illusory death. You will be forced to repeat this lesson, as necessary, until you do get it and advance. This lesson is as difficult or as easy as you believe it to be. simply CHOOSE to be happy or sad and no thing in this world can alter your choice unless you give that thing permission to do so. Nobody is coming to save you as nobody has the power to make you accept this Truth. Only when you are ready will YOU implement this understanding into you life and cultivate the wisdom it brings to MANIFEST HAPPINESS in your Sol. I feel your struggle and I sympathize becasue I am YOU speaking to you from deep within yourself. However I am also that part of you that is "tough love" and is telling you to TOUGHEN UP! Life is a test and it is not easy but pouting will get you nowhere. I am that Light of Strength within your heart that says "YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE GREAT CHANGE IF YOU ONLY WOULD BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF!" It all starts the moment you CHOOSE to stop being a victim and start becoming the narrator and thus creator of your own adventures. I believe in you. I know you have the power within to overcome the illusions of pain and suffering. I know you have the strength to bring out the best in people and in yourself. I have faith that you will get this messaGE AND UNDERSTAND. From this One CHOICE, your whole new self will be born and a new adventure will begin. Embrace the change for it IS you at your highest self. Always remember: The journey IS the destination. |
| Wildthingy User ID: 78805422  New Zealand04/21/2020 03:21 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| 75598709 User ID: 78762874 United States04/21/2020 03:30 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Maybe you could try learning how to stop "OVER"doing things and focus on self-care. It's hard for people like us that have always given 110% but it is essential to our survival. I wish you all the best. Any people anywhere, being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up, and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better. This is a most valuable - a most sacred right - a right, which we hope and believe, is to liberate the world. -- Abraham Lincoln The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion. -- Albert Camus |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 03:37 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 03:41 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | thanks. sounds like it. I do feel stressed all the time. RESIST RESIST RESIST on a million dimensions all at once. its too much. Last Edited by AUselessNoob on 04/21/2020 03:42 PM AUselessNoob |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 03:47 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 78823810 United Kingdom04/21/2020 03:57 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | If this sound mad then so be it, from what I can gather bud you've "hit a wall" in your life, what you have to focus on is how do you get over that wall? You hear of guys who hit a certain age, then go out buy a flash car, motorbike, etc hoping to reignite their life you're not old enough to be having a "mid life crisis", you've just hit a personal "wall", ask yourself what direction you are going in, and make the changes necessary for you to get your "mojo" back. Good luck bud ........ |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 75962865  Sweden04/21/2020 04:08 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Yes, you're getting old. We all do. At first we panic. But then we realize we're still breathing. Life goes on, if somewhat diminished. When I was about to hit 40 I felt like you. When I hit 50 I started to play guitar. Now I'm 53, and actually getting pretty good at it. Not good as a youngling with infinite energy. But good enough to fill my day with joy. It's the little things that remain. I'm not sitting on a park bench yet. Feeding pidgeons. But I will, in the end. Life slows down. It's natural. But that's awesome too, in it's own way. You'll realize there's nothing to worry about too. You'll find joy in the little things. Once you hit 40 and see it didn't kill you. |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 05:59 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | If this sound mad then so be it, from what I can gather bud you've "hit a wall" in your life, what you have to focus on is how do you get over that wall? Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78823810 You hear of guys who hit a certain age, then go out buy a flash car, motorbike, etc hoping to reignite their life you're not old enough to be having a "mid life crisis", you've just hit a personal "wall", ask yourself what direction you are going in, and make the changes necessary for you to get your "mojo" back. Good luck bud ........ Sounds like it. But the thing is... I've been looking for a direction for a long time. AUselessNoob |
| AUselessNoob (OP) User ID: 68896692 United Kingdom04/21/2020 06:05 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| panther0621 User ID: 27944307 United States04/22/2020 12:58 AM  Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | dude, i got brain damage from a malaria drug, ptsd from time served in USMC. my wife died 2 years ago... but i know i dont have it the worse. you got to fight and find what you are now. the world has changed, you have changed. get some medical help and learn the new you and find out how that person works. This is how I have to live my life; if I want to continue on. At this point we might be at the end show or the precipice of something great. I want to see what happens next. You need to take control of what you can, become who you think you are. Fight the battle or quit. we all have a choice |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 77569959 United States04/22/2020 01:02 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 78783198  Australia04/22/2020 01:04 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 77124500 United States04/22/2020 01:06 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 78509283 United Kingdom04/22/2020 01:09 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 78509283 United Kingdom04/22/2020 01:10 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Mental, physical and spiritual are all the same. Spirit is the DNA/cells that manifest the physical and the mental is a physical construct running spirits instructions. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78509283 If one is damaged, they are all damaged, they are one and the same. From father to son passes the spirit. |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 76818441 United States04/22/2020 01:13 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | So I'm not even worried about world events. its all stupid. Quoting: AUselessNoob But ME. Im... deeply worried. I don't know how to describe it. I'm not worried about people lying to me to confuse me of who is good or bad. I'm not worreid about viruses. 5g is annoying but I'm sure I'll be OK. But didn't you see it? I ALREADY LOST. I've LOST ALREADY. I'm already broken. Just by WRITING THIS. I DIDN'T USED TO WRITE THIS WAY. I used to have my own style... my own deep resonance. Now I write like someone ELSE. a BORING person. A stupid boring normal human....!!! And I can't get out.... Its not about the writing, its EVErYthING. Even the sounds I LITERALLY MAKE. I catch myself making sounds, coughing sounds or "ummm/errrr" sounds or just random sounds a human makes. They don't sound like MEEE anymore. They sound like some lame bornig loser. I didn't used to make those noises. Not 2 years ago... or even 1. Even 4 months ago I was mostly free. Something happened to me... thats upset or damaged me deeply on some deep resonance level... relating to music and deep personality structures and MEANING and purpose and... resentment... or shall we call it "karmic tracking". I'm messed up on deep levels I don't even understand. Physically I'm fine. Mentally I'm fine. Spiritually... I'm... I don't even know how to say it. I'm not a "wreck" becasue I'm fighting back. I haven't lost my side. I haven't given up a single thing. But I'm losing uncontrollably. I'm defeated... I just feel defeat all the time... all the way through. I shouldn't have... felt that. But I did. There was no choice. It was too much. The pain... the threats and stress and damage became too much. I gave in and... Heres the thing.... I've become so run down and damaged by over-working. Over preparing. Over fighting. Over-resisting. Giving up... saves me from that. Saves me from damaging myself. Like the time I damaged my teeth from over-brushing. I mean it's obvious. You shouldn't damage your teeth from overbrushing, you should have SPMEONE TO GUIDE YOU. To the right amount. But no one does. Only ruins things. And so its the same on every other level. No one there. Only people to ruin things. and me to resist it all. Eventually the resistance becomes a great damage in itself. The sheer stress. So you give up. Are you REALLy giving up though? If you are "givign up" to stop damaging youreslf? Doesn't matter though... im in a mess of a state. Weak... and lost who I am. Just lost... my "song". My ways. My emotions. My resentment... my path. ... Happened around the same time all this corona business occurred... I dunno if theres any meaning to that. But it just shakes me like "its the end of an era, for you and for the world". I wanna go back. I just... wanna go back. I just wanna go back.... To how things were. Going back to the way things were only means you were always a willful slave. Your not a slave. Embrace the fact that this event has put TRUTH back into your heart. We need you. |
| Anonymous Coward User ID: 78176816 United States04/22/2020 01:23 AM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Dude, I can't imagine what you're talking about. It is a reason I never got along very well with people. I still don't understand why people fear death; I don't understand why people love money so much. I don't understand why people like to watch other people play, instead of playing. I never could imagine why people would want to watch pornography or have sex with prostitutes. I never knew why other students were so anxious about their grades. I could go on and on. As for damage, use your mind to tell your soul to fix it: "I haven't got time for that crap, I have work to do." |
