IN NEED OF HELP, MOSTLY FROM PSYCHIC READERS

hey all,

i have an issue that i want to share .. it is very difficult for me to even think straight when i open these subjects, so i hope that i'll be clear enough.

this is not a joke so please if you have nothing smart to say - don't , if you do - then please welcomely say it and i'll try to be open and listen.


i'm 'not like every1' , not sure what this means but since birth i feel so and my life pretty much prove it. i have very strong psychic abilities and am pretty sure that this part of 'who i am' is connected to what i'm about to share. i wont go into more details about this because its irrelevant, also many people have strong psychic abilities so its just a thing to point out and nothing more.


so..., since birth i'm being harassed by aliens or somethings. when i was a child (from birth 'till about 8-9) "they" used to come and take me to various places, when they came they were always two, one draconian very tall and one grey short, they always brought gifts and tried to 'soft' me but when i saw them i froze just right away.


in my young life they used to come at night, wake me and wipe some or all of my memories, they used to perform medical tests on me and take 'samples'. then they stopped coming (or switched their tech of wiping my memory?), and when i was 14 .. after i had suppress the 'alien experiences' i saw them again in the physical.. they were sure that i'm sleeping, my reaction to this was not being able to sleep for a whole year, quit school and a total mental breakdown.

in that year (when i was 14.. 16 years ago), they came a few more times, they left the front door of my house open a few times, once they approach me and a group of my friends (about 6) with their vehicle - this made all the power lines go crazy, like spars and booms and was VERY scary, some of them didnt want to ever go near me, since.


i dont really know/knew how to respond to this.. so i was just glad that it ended each time, and somehow recover myself.


..........




a few months ago a 'bunch' of memories of my early youth opened, a few years that were completely 'blocked' by me (for me), are now fully available..., in these years they came TONS of times - like twice a week, during the 'rest' of the nights when they were not abducting me, i was sitting in the corner of my bed frozen and unable to move, shaking from fear. the memories are very vivid but i cant describe them because it hurts too much.

which leads me to my 'thing'.., well, i dont really know what to ask or how, it just that i fell REALLY BAD since the memories opened, i cant even start to describe how bad..., i cant sleep, cant eat ... can barely 'function' in some of my time, i just feel broken and unloved. i cant 'believe' or accept this, i cant believe that its possible - its really the worst thing i can think of and its "mine". its just too much. i'm referring to my alien experiences obviously.

since when the memories opened i am a different person, i feel 'cursed' and just stuck in a black void of nothingness. nothing matters, i dont want anything, nothing makes me laugh or happy, i just feel an amount of pain that i cant deal with, i feel it in my heart and stomach and in strong physical pains as well.

i consider myself an 'aware' person, i dont keep things in my stomach, stick to my truth and dont fear the world or people but yet when it comes to this, the only thing that i can do is try to forget and deny. this doenst 'go well' because then bursts of emotions seemingly "unattached" to things fly to every direction as i cant think straight and go into deep depressions.

the "funny" thing is that the things that i cant remember are much much more than what i do remember, the emotions are very clear and leave no doubt to me, i think that there is 'much more inside' that is too difficult for me to deal with so its just blocked somewhere in my mind.

it feels like a rape but much worst, like there is some1 who can came and take me, do whatever he pleases - when he does, whenever i am. nowhere is safe and there is always a 'doubt' in the air of 'what if its not over just yet...?' . this drives me crazy and put me in constant misery.

in general when these emotions come i am just overwhelm, there is nothing else and it covers everything. i dont know who i am or feel 'ground' in anything, like everything becomes an option and i have no self and no opinion about anything, when i'm "there" i just honestly dont know, like my whole beliefs about anything are gone.


a few days ago i was actually holding a rope in my hand, thinking about ending this.., this experience is just plain misery for me. i cant tell why i didnt do it, i still think about this a few times each day, i'm guessing that the 1 thing that still holds me here is the faded memory of happiness that i once had, and some hope that it might came back again.

i am in a huge need of help with this but cant think of how its even possible to make it better. i really dont know what to say - i'm just open to any advices.

i know that many a few glper's wont 'understand' this ... so i will save the trouble and tell you right now: sorry- but you cant. this is something that you cant 'imagine' or "think-of", its too big for comprehend out of self experience and i hope that you wont suffer from such things, without regards to who you are.

spammers and trolls: believe me there is nothing you can say that will 'touch' me, nothing can compare to the level of sadness that these subjects brings, so please if you have nothing smart to say - save your trouble because this thread is not for you.

A