STICK ME WITH THE FORK I'M DONE.too old to tired to fight anymore

I don't get it, I have worked my ass off all my life. I have been thankful. I have appreciated everything in my life that came my way, and I always thought there was a God. I don't know anymore. I actually appreciated the hard times because I knew it would make me grow. I'm tired of growing. I'm tired of fighting. I'm trying to relax, but I can't be at peace. I just want to coast for a while, knowing my bills will be paid and we will have food, and the grandkids can come over and we can go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company. But I can't even afford that. Because after this month, were going to have to get in the government housing or something.

I really don't know anymore.

I don't believe in religion, but I know that there's some kind of a higher source and I think that it just likes to let us think that it cares about us. I think it's just a way for us to keep plugging on and putting out energy to be devoured by it. It gives us enough just to think that it's good, just enough to think that it's there to help and support us. It gives us just enough, and then it takes it all away!

I've gone one step forward 2 steps backwards most of my life. No matter what career or profession I was in I was always just getting by, never could afford to buy a house. Never.

I've had a couple different partners in my life and always ended up supporting them somehow one way or another, and even though that changed about 12 years ago now I'm back to square one. Yep. Supporting him. Oh woe is me, what the hell. Where is my retirement? Where is my partner to help me when I needed? Nowhere. Where is God to help me when I needed? Nowhere.


.I've talked to God till Im blue in the face. I have expressed gratitude. I have expressed anxiety and consternation. I have expressed intentions to carry through on some of my most heartfelt ideas and plans only to have them crash and burn in front of my face.


Nobody has to respond to this stupid thread. In fact, I really don't care. Once I post this am going away anyway. I might come back in a day or 2 to see if anybody cared to even read it. But right now I need to go find a quiet spot, but myself. I'm so tempted to just leave this world. I really am. The only thing keeping here is the love of my family. But what is love when you're living like a pauper, you have nowhere to go, I am old to try and survive anymore?


I used to think positive, felt truly appreciative and happy.

No I don't have a chemical imbalance. No I am not depressed, at least not medically in the sense that somebody would want to put me on meds. I don't want them. I'm depressed because there is no God. I'm depressed because no matter how much effort I put into my endeavors, I am going backwards.


I just needed a place to vent. It doesn't matter whether its this forum or God, I'm going to get the same kind of response. It's all the same.