Lets have a laugh and post a joke.

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and - are you way ahead of me? - a genie comes out, promising each of them one wish. ''Me first! Me first!'' the admin clerk says. ''I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.''

Puff! She's gone.

''Me next! Me next!'' the sales rep says. ''I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.''

Puff! He's gone.

''OK, you're up,'' the genie says to the manager.

The manager says: ''I want those two back in the office after lunch.''

ha ha like it

Woman out shopping spots a pair of beautiful shoes through a shop window and rushes in.
sales woman says " they are beautiful arent they,they are made out of real human skin.But they are very expensive they cost £2000.00 but dont worry if thats to much we do them in black for £2.99 "

Went to visit my mothers grave today and seen two men carrying a coffin, a couple of hours later coming out of the cemetry I seen them again carrying the same coffin
I thought to myself those twats have lost the plot.

Statistically speaking 9 out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

DUDE!!! You have to be politically correct!! It's now called "surprise sex"!!!

A police officer came to my door today.

I opened the door..and he held up a photo of my wife and said...

"Is this your wife sir??"

"Yes" I replied...gettin a bit worried.....

"Well"..He continued "I have some tragic news...it appears she has been hit by a bus"


I look down..sadly..then say..

"I know....but she has a GREAT personality..and she is awesome with the kids".....

Me and my younger brother got caught smoking by Dad.So Dad grabs up a huge Havana cigar and says"out back boy's NOW."We look at each other thinking he is gonna make us smoke the cigar to teach us a lesson.Were like no big deal,cigars,whatever....Anyways,instead he makes us suck his cock while he smoked it....dam,I never smoked another day in my life after that.But my brother still does.

Got a call from the cops today while I was at work...

They said "Excuse me sir but we are calling to tell you that two men broke into your house today..drank all your beer..and then raped your wife"


I went all quiet...and then said in disbelief...

"What...you mean they raped her after only FIVE beers??"

what do you get when you cross a radio with a pig?




crackling.

What's the most common pick up line in a gay bar?


"May I push your stool in?"

Weird, the cops came to my place today too! They said, "Excuse me sir, we found your wife. She was at the bottom of the river."

"OH NO THAT"S TERRIBLE!!" i shouted

The cops said, "That's not the worst part."

"OH NO WHAT ELSE!!!" I yelled

"When we pulled her body up, it was covered in mud crabs".

"OH NO THAT"S AWFUL!!!" I screamed, "Where is she now?"

The police replied, "Oh we chucked her back in the river for tonight to see if we could catch more crabs".

Who robbed the tampon factory??




Some bloody cunt.

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Nah,,, I couldn't find her head.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?







Half a cat.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...








They finally buried her.

'I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.''

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

How do you knock up a hillbilly?



cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of England and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the man without hesitation.

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think that paki in the corner may have caught a glimpse."

A man and a woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the man takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The woman has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The man, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After they are done, the woman says, "You must be a good dentist."

The man, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"