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Deciding NOT to have children....

 
goodmockingbird
Home of the EF5 Tornados, Now with Beheading!

User ID: 11445232
United States
03/13/2012 04:24 AM

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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
I've always wanted to be a mother, just always felt there were too many kids without parents out there to justify having my own.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 11578757


I used to feel that way. As you get older you will see that is a really dumb view. Health issues aside, YOUR child is from you. Instilled with your values and taught to do good. A child that could make a difference in this hell hole we live in. I'd see a doctor and be damn sure about these supposed health traits you might pass on. Weigh the risks seriously. And think about having a baby..a nursery, the joy of watching him/her say their first words, the Christmases, the joy of the smile. God's contribution to the world too, not just yours. Every child is a gift from God. This would be YOUR gift. Just because others don't see it that way, shut them out. This is your life. Does your baby deserve a chance to born? Do you have enough self esteem to hear someone call you mommy?
 Quoting: Keats


Why are you trying, trying so hard to make someone else reproduce?

In my responses, I have only spoken about what I have done, decisions I have made -- not tried to tell someone else what to do.

That is the main thing I have noticed about parents talking to childfree adults. They want to talk us into having kids.

Why?

What is it to you? Is it about religion? Or do you envy our freedom?
THE CDC LIES
Anonymous Coward
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03/13/2012 04:36 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Not sad here at all, female 50+ never had kids, never wanted them. The world is too crappy and the people in it too rude.

My husband of 23+ years was forced by his parents that kept spitting out babies to care for his 8 younger siblings, so he is sick of diapers and puke for a lifetime too.

I think not having kids is great! No one to steal your car or purse change or lie to you or put you into a nursing home when your old.
I watched many friends of mine with kids go through hell to raise them only to have the kids leave the next to different states and never return.

I think if your seriously considering not having kids you really need to face some facts.

#1 If you meet a mate that wants kids and you stay with them and not have a kid your are cutting their family tree off at their knees. If your truly in love you must leave these type of people so they can have the family they desire. Often times this means that you must logically cause a breakup and in doing so you will be breaking your own heart.
It's tough to have someone break your heart during your life but it is extremely painful to break your own heart to let go of a love you were crazy about so they can have a family tree they want. You will know each time you fall deeper in love often times it means you will have to sabotage the relationship so one day they can hold their grandkids in their arms.

#2 You will either need to remain single or dig really deep to find someone that also doesn't want kids.

#3 If your going to try a relationship raising someone else's kids from a different marriage, you might as well just have your own as they will be equal problems to raise but one way won't have someone's x-spouce all up in your business.

#4 Your body stays in relatively nice shape as you age.
Lumen

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Australia
03/13/2012 04:40 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Having a hard time accepting that I probably won't have children.

Some days I think I want to, but I am terrified of giving birth. Also, this world is so messed up...is it fair to bring new life into an existence where day-to-dayn survival is so frickin' hard? I think not. Not to mention kids are so expensive.

But as soon as I finish listing the valid reasons above NOT to have kids, I wonder if I will regret not having an family once I'm on my death bed.

Can life still be happy and fulfilling without having children? Can old age still be secure and enriching without children and grandchildren?

I'm so conflicted.
 Quoting: Conflicted 1457789


I was NEVER having kids! EVER!

I've got 3. I had my first at 27 and my last at 34.

First of all, let me say, childbirth is a fucking horrific bloodbath. Its sheer agony. Its the contractions. They fucking hurt. A LOT. Pushing babies out is actually the good part. It eases the contractions. Oh and... about 2 weeks after you give birth, you start getting a random terrible pain. Its like someone kicked you in the clitoris. :D

You have been warned.

Now. Having children is the single greatest thing you will ever do in your life. Yeah I know. Its not like its something special that only a few people can do. Almost anyone can have a kid.
Its what humans were made to do. Procreate. The biological urge kicks in and the fulfilment you feel from having a child is unbelievable (unless there is something wrong with you - no maternal/paternal instinct).

And it changes you. You're a different person after you've created life. You become Santa Claus. You gain a new perspective on all that is.

Yes kids can be a pain in the arse. It can be frustrating, tiring. But the joys of having children and raising adults far outweighs the negative.
Lumen

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03/13/2012 04:42 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
I am scared of bring pregnant (the thought freaks me out---I find nothing appealing about it whatsoever)

Also, I am scared of the process of giving birth and everything that could go wrong.

Furthermore, I'm scared to have a child only to find out I have no feeling for it, and regret my decision but it's too late.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1457789


Yeah pregnancy can suck, and its kind of weird having something living in you, but that when you start to bond.

Giving birth is not medical procedure. Its an act of nature. You could do it alone if you had the balls.

As for not having feelings for your baby? You don't know what love is until you have a child. Its true love.
Lumen

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03/13/2012 04:44 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Never been interested in having kids. The thought of being pregnant actually disgusts me. people always said I would change my mind as I got older, but I don't see it happening, I'm 33 now and still feel the same. It's kind of a nice thought to have a family, but I'd rather foster or adopt. Too many unwanted, needy kids out there.
 Quoting: ming


Yeah I reckon the biological urge would have kicked in by now if it was going to. I think you're almost past it. ;)
Lumen

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03/13/2012 04:47 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....


Stop and think of all the old people who have grown kids who never visit them, or who do so only infrequently, and just because they feel like they have to.
 Quoting: goodmockingbird


I wonder who's fault that would be.
Anonymous Coward
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03/13/2012 04:49 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Having kids is...

The most stressful / Blissful thing in the world to do...

it's...

The most wonderful and frustrating thing to do...

it's...

Pain, worry and love and Joy all mixed together...

Don't worry about the pregancy thing I too was soo scared to have a kid it's the whoel idea of a entire human being making its way out of my ho ha whilst several doctors aisstants etc have their head down there lol. Whilst I was preggers I had repeated nightmares of the Aliens movie, the part where the alien suddenly explodes through the stomach... yea I had those dreams alot.... but...

In the end it was wonderful the attention you get as a pregnant woman is great, sorry hunny i cant lift, carry do that yea just ham it up for 9 months! The labour part, I dont even remember the entire 38 hours I was jacked up with epidural, gas and air and pethadine, the only pain I felt was at the beginning before they gave me some relief.

Yea it feels like your vag is hanging on the floor afterwards and that at many moment you could jsut loose the entire contents of your bowels because its just so sore and bruised from all that pushing.. but..

The great news is that there is a thing called c section i'd say go for that it's more dignified and faster! Though you may feel sore fo longer with the stiches.

There is so much you lear about life when you have kids, it's a great excuse to act like a looney on the swings at the park with them, you meet lots of other people with kids expecially at play groups and make some real good freinds. And nothing beats the first laugh giggle walk etc. I'll never forget the day my mother and family members were hanging out in the living room all trying to get my lil one's attention hetoddled over to me took the pacifier out of his mouth and said.

I LUB CHOO MUMMY!

It was the most adorable memorable moment ever, even thought an hour later he toddled over to me again and emptied the entire contents of his stomach all over my lap, I jsut kept remembering what he had said...

I LUB CHOO MUMMY, it made all the wreching cleaning up the spew and later on the enormous amount of diareah in his pants all worth it..

Good luck!

5a
ming

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Norway
03/13/2012 04:51 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....

Never been interested in having kids. The thought of being pregnant actually disgusts me. people always said I would change my mind as I got older, but I don't see it happening, I'm 33 now and still feel the same. It's kind of a nice thought to have a family, but I'd rather foster or adopt. Too many unwanted, needy kids out there.
 Quoting: ming


It will happen when you meet the right guy and you will not expect it. Unless you are a nun, it will happen.
[/quote

Having children isn't about your partner, its about having children. I don't have any maternal instinct. Even as a child I didn't like other children, wouldn't really talk to them, only adults lol.

If the circumstances were right (plenty of money, world not going to hell in a handbasket) and I felt ready then I would definitely consider adopting or fostering, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. Not every woman is a natural mother.

My aunt never wanted children, then her husband, who had always maintained he didn't want kids, changed his mind. He talked her into, then divorced her 2years later because of the stress. She told me she lives her daughter, wouldn't change it for the world, but wishes she hadn't backed down because she hates being a parent and the stress has caused her no end of trouble. When he left her she was still struggling to bond with the baby.
Out of this ugliness may come,
Some day, so beautiful a flower,
That men will wonder at that hour,
Remembering smoke and flowerless slum,
And ask-glimpsing the agony
Of the slaves who wrestle to be free-
'But why were all the poets dumb?'
-William Montgomerie

So many gods, so many creeds,
So many paths that wind and wind,
While just the art of being kind
Is all the sad world needs.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Lumen

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Australia
03/13/2012 04:56 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
I realize that I am simply not inclined towards nurturing children.

Was never fascinated with them. Was interested in history and science instead.

Accepted the kind of person I am.

*If* I had allowed others to pressure me into reproducing, it would not have been fair to the kids. They would have had a distant, fair and responsible, but distant mother.

Children need and deserve parents who not just 'want' them, but who love and enjoy them.

I realize I do not have that quality to give.

Accepting my strengths and weaknesses as they are, and living in a right and fair way with others by not undertaking what I do not have within me to undertake.

That sort of integrity.
 Quoting: goodmockingbird


You sound like me.

"Unsentimental, not touchy-feely. 'Self-contained'. Ethical and kind, but not inclined to becoming emotionally bonded to children."

I though I didn't have it in me either.

The difference between us is that I realised I did want kids after all.

Many of us are not born with maternal instincts. They're given to us when our children arrive.

I'm sorry you never got to experience having kids. Its life changing.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
03/13/2012 04:57 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Having a hard time accepting that I probably won't have children.

Some days I think I want to, but I am terrified of giving birth. Also, this world is so messed up...is it fair to bring new life into an existence where day-to-dayn survival is so frickin' hard? I think not. Not to mention kids are so expensive.

But as soon as I finish listing the valid reasons above NOT to have kids, I wonder if I will regret not having an family once I'm on my death bed.

Can life still be happy and fulfilling without having children? Can old age still be secure and enriching without children and grandchildren?

I'm so conflicted.
 Quoting: Conflicted 1457789


I thought the same way at your age OP...kept waiting for the perfect situation, perfect man...yada yo.... Now living with many regrets of that decision. If I could be where you are right now? I'd say life is short, all that matters is friends and a family of your own. When you see your friends on FB you grew up with posing with their kids, grandkids, family gatherings and all you have is your dogs for company on the holidays?....it hurts. Go for it!
barky

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03/13/2012 04:58 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
OP I always wanted 3 kids, that is not the case now. I had my son, and realized just how bad the world is and i am scared for his future. So I have decided not to have any more, since his chance of a better life is higher if he is only child.(money for food, school, savings, clothes, etc... is going to one instead of being divided by three) So I am getting tubes tied.
So I understand you fears, but you need to have no 2nd thoughts they lead to "what if?"s and regret. Just think it through and be sure on whatever you decide.
hf
Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety. ~Benjamin Franklin
Lumen

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03/13/2012 04:59 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
That is the main thing I have noticed about parents talking to childfree adults. They want to talk us into having kids.

Why?


 Quoting: goodmockingbird


Because its AMAZING! lol.

Its sad to know that some people will never experience it.

But you're right. We could never convey in words the feeling that having children gives you. The life altering experience.

Its something one needs to experience for themselves.
Anonymous Coward
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New Zealand
03/13/2012 05:04 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Having a hard time accepting that I probably won't have children.

Some days I think I want to, but I am terrified of giving birth.
 Quoting: Conflicted 1457789


What are you scared about?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 11475650


I am scared of bring pregnant (the thought freaks me out---I find nothing appealing about it whatsoever)

Also, I am scared of the process of giving birth and everything that could go wrong.

Furthermore, I'm scared to have a child only to find out I have no feeling for it, and regret my decision but it's too late.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1457789


All natural emotions but the body pumps some cool chemicals into you when your pregnant so its not as daunting as you might think it is.

Also the mother/child bond isn't instantaneous, it wasn't for me, and when I looked at parent forums it seems that is quite normal. The bond develops and then you cannot imagine not having kids.

All the cliches about being a parent are true. I never would have believed it pre-parenthood, but now...well I am looking at doing it again >.< Maybe post dec 21...just to be safe.
Anonymous Coward
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03/13/2012 05:09 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
clappa
Anonymous Coward
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03/13/2012 05:12 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
I see a lot of children that once past the cute baby stage, get abused to no end. They are the ones that end up in prison, cults, gang or the military - looking for a family of any sort and usually totally screwed up in the head.

Once the decision to have a child is agreed upon, it should be considered a life-long commitment. But there is a huge disconnect in people today and many simply don't consider the implications of the immense responsibilities of child rearing.

No sh*t, I saw an elderly man in a store two days old with a newborn child in a baby carrier. He was explaining to the cashier the child was his grandson - his daughter decided that being a parent was too much work. Unbelievable, considering his age.

You have to have love in your heart for your own offspring. If there is, there is no other love in the world you will feel that is so heavenly as the love for your child. He/she is a part of YOU - YOU created this new life form. It is awesome.

But if you recognize you don't have that motherly feeling, do not have kids. You will be doing yourself and the world-at-large a HUGE favor.
Anonymous Coward
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03/13/2012 05:16 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Canada will fare better than the USA. USA will devolve into a 3rd world mess we used to only read about or watch on some movie. Now is not the time to have kids or sign a mortgage for that matter.
barky

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03/13/2012 05:16 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
That is the main thing I have noticed about parents talking to childfree adults. They want to talk us into having kids.

Why?


 Quoting: goodmockingbird


Because its AMAZING! lol.

Its sad to know that some people will never experience it.

But you're right. We could never convey in words the feeling that having children gives you. The life altering experience.

Its something one needs to experience for themselves.
 Quoting: Lumen


I am the opposite, if someone asks me what parent hood is like I tell them the truth.
Pregnancy is the weirdest thing ever, your body goes crazy and you hate everything about it but one thing the baby growing. I even had bells palsy at 38weeks, not to mention peeing on your self and leaky boobs.
Labor/birth was horrible (72hrs of hell before epi) differs per person.
Than you have this fragile human that totally depends on you for everything and you have no idea what to do.
Followed by months of learning and being puked/pooped/peed on so sleep deprived till you can barely function. Yet you love this child and live for the moments of epic happiness (smiles, giggles, milestones, etc...)

I love my son, he is my everything, but it is not easy being a parent. hf
Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety. ~Benjamin Franklin
Lumen

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Australia
03/13/2012 05:19 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
That is the main thing I have noticed about parents talking to childfree adults. They want to talk us into having kids.

Why?


 Quoting: goodmockingbird


Because its AMAZING! lol.

Its sad to know that some people will never experience it.

But you're right. We could never convey in words the feeling that having children gives you. The life altering experience.

Its something one needs to experience for themselves.
 Quoting: Lumen


I am the opposite, if someone asks me what parent hood is like I tell them the truth.
Pregnancy is the weirdest thing ever, your body goes crazy and you hate everything about it but one thing the baby growing. I even had bells palsy at 38weeks, not to mention peeing on your self and leaky boobs.
Labor/birth was horrible (72hrs of hell before epi) differs per person.
Than you have this fragile human that totally depends on you for everything and you have no idea what to do.
Followed by months of learning and being puked/pooped/peed on so sleep deprived till you can barely function. Yet you love this child and live for the moments of epic happiness (smiles, giggles, milestones, etc...)

I love my son, he is my everything, but it is not easy being a parent. hf
 Quoting: barky

Maybe you didn't see my other posts?
barky

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03/13/2012 05:21 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
That is the main thing I have noticed about parents talking to childfree adults. They want to talk us into having kids.

Why?


 Quoting: goodmockingbird


Because its AMAZING! lol.

Its sad to know that some people will never experience it.

But you're right. We could never convey in words the feeling that having children gives you. The life altering experience.

Its something one needs to experience for themselves.
 Quoting: Lumen


I am the opposite, if someone asks me what parent hood is like I tell them the truth.
Pregnancy is the weirdest thing ever, your body goes crazy and you hate everything about it but one thing the baby growing. I even had bells palsy at 38weeks, not to mention peeing on your self and leaky boobs.
Labor/birth was horrible (72hrs of hell before epi) differs per person.
Than you have this fragile human that totally depends on you for everything and you have no idea what to do.
Followed by months of learning and being puked/pooped/peed on so sleep deprived till you can barely function. Yet you love this child and live for the moments of epic happiness (smiles, giggles, milestones, etc...)

I love my son, he is my everything, but it is not easy being a parent. hf
 Quoting: barky

Maybe you didn't see my other posts?
 Quoting: Lumen

I was actually trying to just respond to first quote not your reply, since I couldn't find original post to quote. Sorry, thought I removed your reply, but guess not. hf
Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety. ~Benjamin Franklin
Lumen

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Australia
03/13/2012 05:22 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
I was actually trying to just respond to first quote not your reply, since I couldn't find original post to quote. Sorry, thought I removed your reply, but guess not. hf
 Quoting: barky


Lol. No worries.
Stinky McMuffin

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03/13/2012 05:23 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
but you could have a family just like Gary

busey
barky

User ID: 5566136
United States
03/13/2012 05:25 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
I was actually trying to just respond to first quote not your reply, since I couldn't find original post to quote. Sorry, thought I removed your reply, but guess not. hf
 Quoting: barky


Lol. No worries.
 Quoting: Lumen


cheers
Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety. ~Benjamin Franklin
Lumen

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Australia
03/13/2012 05:27 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Pregnancy is the weirdest thing ever, your body goes crazy and you hate everything about it but one thing the baby growing. I even had bells palsy at 38weeks, not to mention peeing on your self and leaky boobs.
Labor/birth was horrible (72hrs of hell before epi) differs per person.

 Quoting: barky


I loved my first pregnancy. It seemed so easy! Turns out she was stuck in the same position for months so she barely moved, She was breech so I had an emergency C section.

Hated my next 2 pregnancies. I had natural births for those 2, no drugs.
Both quick (6 hours and 3 hours) and HELL. Absolute agony. Episiotomy, tearing, stitches. lol.
I can't imagine 72 hours of that.
I pushed flat on my back a hundred times with my second daughter. Seemed to take hours.
I pushed twice with my third daughter. I learned from the previous one.

I'll take a C-section under general anaesthetic any day.
Scubaseven2

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Australia
03/13/2012 05:28 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Can life still be happy and fulfilling without having children? Can old age still be secure and enriching without children and grandchildren?

I'm so conflicted.
 Quoting: Conflicted 1457789


If you keep busy doing things you want to do, sure it can be.

People generally get older, slow down, become afraid, etc, so they take joy in their children, grandchildren.

Stay active, and stay happy.
Do not take memories of what happened yesterday, into what might happen today.

When love is your greatest weakness, you will be the strongest person in the world.
Lamplite

User ID: 945308
New Zealand
03/13/2012 05:30 AM

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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
No one can tell you how much you will love your baby.

Other peoples babies are theirs, nothing prepares you for the love you feel for your own.

You deprive yourself of something very special, if you go childless.
Lumen

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Australia
03/13/2012 05:31 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
People generally get older, slow down, become afraid, etc, so they take joy in their children, grandchildren.

 Quoting: Scubaseven2


Someone should tell my mother that. She's 60, works a full time job as an accountant, has breast cancer and still goes out dancing every Friday night.
Anonymous Coward
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03/13/2012 05:31 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
aloyt of people had one or two

in canada in europe

so its a whole race of austistic selfish creeps
that worry that "kids cost alot"

lol

yeah, you know alot about life

lol

thew childless are like drones
Anonymous Coward
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India
03/13/2012 05:32 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Having a hard time accepting that I probably won't have children.

Some days I think I want to, but I am terrified of giving birth. Also, this world is so messed up...is it fair to bring new life into an existence where day-to-dayn survival is so frickin' hard? I think not. Not to mention kids are so expensive.

But as soon as I finish listing the valid reasons above NOT to have kids, I wonder if I will regret not having an family once I'm on my death bed.

Can life still be happy and fulfilling without having children? Can old age still be secure and enriching without children and grandchildren?

I'm so conflicted.
 Quoting: Conflicted 1457789


yawn
barky

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03/13/2012 05:35 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
Pregnancy is the weirdest thing ever, your body goes crazy and you hate everything about it but one thing the baby growing. I even had bells palsy at 38weeks, not to mention peeing on your self and leaky boobs.
Labor/birth was horrible (72hrs of hell before epi) differs per person.

 Quoting: barky


I loved my first pregnancy. It seemed so easy! Turns out she was stuck in the same position for months so she barely moved, She was breech so I had an emergency C section.

Hated my next 2 pregnancies. I had natural births for those 2, no drugs.
Both quick (6 hours and 3 hours) and HELL. Absolute agony. Episiotomy, tearing, stitches. lol.
I can't imagine 72 hours of that.
I pushed flat on my back a hundred times with my second daughter. Seemed to take hours.
I pushed twice with my third daughter. I learned from the previous one.

I'll take a C-section under general anaesthetic any day.
 Quoting: Lumen


It was horrible, but I guess it helped since I had no tearing and he came out in 3 pushes. Started labor 2am friday morning birth 4pm monday. L&D gave me sleeping pills to "help me" through the weekend. (lots of screaming and snoring) Was 41 weeks to the day.
5a
Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety. ~Benjamin Franklin
barky

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03/13/2012 05:41 AM
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Re: Deciding NOT to have children....
No one can tell you how much you will love your baby.

Other peoples babies are theirs, nothing prepares you for the love you feel for your own.

You deprive yourself of something very special, if you go childless.
 Quoting: Lamplite


Not true, some people are just not meant to be parents. Like my "mother". She had 4 kids and one abortion. My older brother died due to her neglect, I was taken from her after that, my half brother she let her boyfriend abuse him sexually and he was taken away, my half sister was given away at birth and just recently found out she was my sister. She was not meant to be a mother.

Edit: Op not saying you would do this, just giving example. No one seems to mention PPD either.

Last Edited by barky on 03/13/2012 05:43 AM
Any people that would give up liberty for a little temporary safety deserves neither liberty nor safety. ~Benjamin Franklin

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