Deciding NOT to have children....

Why are you trying, trying so hard to make someone else reproduce?

In my responses, I have only spoken about what I have done, decisions I have made -- not tried to tell someone else what to do.

That is the main thing I have noticed about parents talking to childfree adults. They want to talk us into having kids.

Why?

What is it to you? Is it about religion? Or do you envy our freedom?

Not sad here at all, female 50+ never had kids, never wanted them. The world is too crappy and the people in it too rude.

My husband of 23+ years was forced by his parents that kept spitting out babies to care for his 8 younger siblings, so he is sick of diapers and puke for a lifetime too.

I think not having kids is great! No one to steal your car or purse change or lie to you or put you into a nursing home when your old.
I watched many friends of mine with kids go through hell to raise them only to have the kids leave the next to different states and never return.

I think if your seriously considering not having kids you really need to face some facts.

#1 If you meet a mate that wants kids and you stay with them and not have a kid your are cutting their family tree off at their knees. If your truly in love you must leave these type of people so they can have the family they desire. Often times this means that you must logically cause a breakup and in doing so you will be breaking your own heart.
It's tough to have someone break your heart during your life but it is extremely painful to break your own heart to let go of a love you were crazy about so they can have a family tree they want. You will know each time you fall deeper in love often times it means you will have to sabotage the relationship so one day they can hold their grandkids in their arms.

#2 You will either need to remain single or dig really deep to find someone that also doesn't want kids.

#3 If your going to try a relationship raising someone else's kids from a different marriage, you might as well just have your own as they will be equal problems to raise but one way won't have someone's x-spouce all up in your business.

#4 Your body stays in relatively nice shape as you age.

I was NEVER having kids! EVER!

I've got 3. I had my first at 27 and my last at 34.

First of all, let me say, childbirth is a fucking horrific bloodbath. Its sheer agony. Its the contractions. They fucking hurt. A LOT. Pushing babies out is actually the good part. It eases the contractions. Oh and... about 2 weeks after you give birth, you start getting a random terrible pain. Its like someone kicked you in the clitoris. :D

You have been warned.

Now. Having children is the single greatest thing you will ever do in your life. Yeah I know. Its not like its something special that only a few people can do. Almost anyone can have a kid.
Its what humans were made to do. Procreate. The biological urge kicks in and the fulfilment you feel from having a child is unbelievable (unless there is something wrong with you - no maternal/paternal instinct).

And it changes you. You're a different person after you've created life. You become Santa Claus. You gain a new perspective on all that is.

Yes kids can be a pain in the arse. It can be frustrating, tiring. But the joys of having children and raising adults far outweighs the negative.

Yeah pregnancy can suck, and its kind of weird having something living in you, but that when you start to bond.

Giving birth is not medical procedure. Its an act of nature. You could do it alone if you had the balls.

As for not having feelings for your baby? You don't know what love is until you have a child. Its true love.

Yeah I reckon the biological urge would have kicked in by now if it was going to. I think you're almost past it. ;)

I wonder who's fault that would be.

Having kids is...

The most stressful / Blissful thing in the world to do...

it's...

The most wonderful and frustrating thing to do...

it's...

Pain, worry and love and Joy all mixed together...

Don't worry about the pregancy thing I too was soo scared to have a kid it's the whoel idea of a entire human being making its way out of my ho ha whilst several doctors aisstants etc have their head down there lol. Whilst I was preggers I had repeated nightmares of the Aliens movie, the part where the alien suddenly explodes through the stomach... yea I had those dreams alot.... but...

In the end it was wonderful the attention you get as a pregnant woman is great, sorry hunny i cant lift, carry do that yea just ham it up for 9 months! The labour part, I dont even remember the entire 38 hours I was jacked up with epidural, gas and air and pethadine, the only pain I felt was at the beginning before they gave me some relief.

Yea it feels like your vag is hanging on the floor afterwards and that at many moment you could jsut loose the entire contents of your bowels because its just so sore and bruised from all that pushing.. but..

The great news is that there is a thing called c section i'd say go for that it's more dignified and faster! Though you may feel sore fo longer with the stiches.

There is so much you lear about life when you have kids, it's a great excuse to act like a looney on the swings at the park with them, you meet lots of other people with kids expecially at play groups and make some real good freinds. And nothing beats the first laugh giggle walk etc. I'll never forget the day my mother and family members were hanging out in the living room all trying to get my lil one's attention hetoddled over to me took the pacifier out of his mouth and said.

I LUB CHOO MUMMY!

It was the most adorable memorable moment ever, even thought an hour later he toddled over to me again and emptied the entire contents of his stomach all over my lap, I jsut kept remembering what he had said...

I LUB CHOO MUMMY, it made all the wreching cleaning up the spew and later on the enormous amount of diareah in his pants all worth it..

Good luck!

It will happen when you meet the right guy and you will not expect it. Unless you are a nun, it will happen.
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Having children isn't about your partner, its about having children. I don't have any maternal instinct. Even as a child I didn't like other children, wouldn't really talk to them, only adults lol.

If the circumstances were right (plenty of money, world not going to hell in a handbasket) and I felt ready then I would definitely consider adopting or fostering, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. Not every woman is a natural mother.

My aunt never wanted children, then her husband, who had always maintained he didn't want kids, changed his mind. He talked her into, then divorced her 2years later because of the stress. She told me she lives her daughter, wouldn't change it for the world, but wishes she hadn't backed down because she hates being a parent and the stress has caused her no end of trouble. When he left her she was still struggling to bond with the baby.

You sound like me.

"Unsentimental, not touchy-feely. 'Self-contained'. Ethical and kind, but not inclined to becoming emotionally bonded to children."

I though I didn't have it in me either.

The difference between us is that I realised I did want kids after all.

Many of us are not born with maternal instincts. They're given to us when our children arrive.

I'm sorry you never got to experience having kids. Its life changing.

I thought the same way at your age OP...kept waiting for the perfect situation, perfect man...yada yo.... Now living with many regrets of that decision. If I could be where you are right now? I'd say life is short, all that matters is friends and a family of your own. When you see your friends on FB you grew up with posing with their kids, grandkids, family gatherings and all you have is your dogs for company on the holidays?....it hurts. Go for it!

OP I always wanted 3 kids, that is not the case now. I had my son, and realized just how bad the world is and i am scared for his future. So I have decided not to have any more, since his chance of a better life is higher if he is only child.(money for food, school, savings, clothes, etc... is going to one instead of being divided by three) So I am getting tubes tied.
So I understand you fears, but you need to have no 2nd thoughts they lead to "what if?"s and regret. Just think it through and be sure on whatever you decide.

Because its AMAZING! lol.

Its sad to know that some people will never experience it.

But you're right. We could never convey in words the feeling that having children gives you. The life altering experience.

Its something one needs to experience for themselves.

All natural emotions but the body pumps some cool chemicals into you when your pregnant so its not as daunting as you might think it is.

Also the mother/child bond isn't instantaneous, it wasn't for me, and when I looked at parent forums it seems that is quite normal. The bond develops and then you cannot imagine not having kids.

All the cliches about being a parent are true. I never would have believed it pre-parenthood, but now...well I am looking at doing it again >.< Maybe post dec 21...just to be safe.

I see a lot of children that once past the cute baby stage, get abused to no end. They are the ones that end up in prison, cults, gang or the military - looking for a family of any sort and usually totally screwed up in the head.

Once the decision to have a child is agreed upon, it should be considered a life-long commitment. But there is a huge disconnect in people today and many simply don't consider the implications of the immense responsibilities of child rearing.

No sh*t, I saw an elderly man in a store two days old with a newborn child in a baby carrier. He was explaining to the cashier the child was his grandson - his daughter decided that being a parent was too much work. Unbelievable, considering his age.

You have to have love in your heart for your own offspring. If there is, there is no other love in the world you will feel that is so heavenly as the love for your child. He/she is a part of YOU - YOU created this new life form. It is awesome.

But if you recognize you don't have that motherly feeling, do not have kids. You will be doing yourself and the world-at-large a HUGE favor.

Canada will fare better than the USA. USA will devolve into a 3rd world mess we used to only read about or watch on some movie. Now is not the time to have kids or sign a mortgage for that matter.

I am the opposite, if someone asks me what parent hood is like I tell them the truth.
Pregnancy is the weirdest thing ever, your body goes crazy and you hate everything about it but one thing the baby growing. I even had bells palsy at 38weeks, not to mention peeing on your self and leaky boobs.
Labor/birth was horrible (72hrs of hell before epi) differs per person.
Than you have this fragile human that totally depends on you for everything and you have no idea what to do.
Followed by months of learning and being puked/pooped/peed on so sleep deprived till you can barely function. Yet you love this child and live for the moments of epic happiness (smiles, giggles, milestones, etc...)

I love my son, he is my everything, but it is not easy being a parent.

Maybe you didn't see my other posts?

I was actually trying to just respond to first quote not your reply, since I couldn't find original post to quote. Sorry, thought I removed your reply, but guess not.

Lol. No worries.

but you could have a family just like Gary

I loved my first pregnancy. It seemed so easy! Turns out she was stuck in the same position for months so she barely moved, She was breech so I had an emergency C section.

Hated my next 2 pregnancies. I had natural births for those 2, no drugs.
Both quick (6 hours and 3 hours) and HELL. Absolute agony. Episiotomy, tearing, stitches. lol.
I can't imagine 72 hours of that.
I pushed flat on my back a hundred times with my second daughter. Seemed to take hours.
I pushed twice with my third daughter. I learned from the previous one.

I'll take a C-section under general anaesthetic any day.

If you keep busy doing things you want to do, sure it can be.

People generally get older, slow down, become afraid, etc, so they take joy in their children, grandchildren.

Stay active, and stay happy.

No one can tell you how much you will love your baby.

Other peoples babies are theirs, nothing prepares you for the love you feel for your own.

You deprive yourself of something very special, if you go childless.

Someone should tell my mother that. She's 60, works a full time job as an accountant, has breast cancer and still goes out dancing every Friday night.

aloyt of people had one or two

in canada in europe

so its a whole race of austistic selfish creeps
that worry that "kids cost alot"

lol

yeah, you know alot about life

lol

thew childless are like drones

yawn

It was horrible, but I guess it helped since I had no tearing and he came out in 3 pushes. Started labor 2am friday morning birth 4pm monday. L&D gave me sleeping pills to "help me" through the weekend. (lots of screaming and snoring) Was 41 weeks to the day.

Not true, some people are just not meant to be parents. Like my "mother". She had 4 kids and one abortion. My older brother died due to her neglect, I was taken from her after that, my half brother she let her boyfriend abuse him sexually and he was taken away, my half sister was given away at birth and just recently found out she was my sister. She was not meant to be a mother.

Edit: Op not saying you would do this, just giving example. No one seems to mention PPD either.

Last Edited by barky on 03/13/2012 05:43 AM