Has anyone else here lost their partner to suicide?

Hi OP. I live in the US, my partner lives in the Philippines. I have had so many online times where he threatened to kill himself.....so far he has not actually done it. It is very hard to be involved with someone who is like this. I will post more later, but I truly feel for you when you have actually had to go thru it and the other person commits a suicide. If they say they will do it, no amount of force or co-erosion is going to inevitably stop them. He lives in a low income country and I am low income here. Mental illness, spiritual issues, there is so much. i am certainly not God and cant stop a person, but I have done my best. It is very hard.

Yes this happened to me and my kids 21 years ago.

She had bipolar depression and one night decided it was all to much.

I will say to you its early days, as the reality sinks in it will feel worse but don't give up.

Also don't think bad of yourself for feeling angry with him as this is also part of the healing process, not often but I still get feelings of anger now when I think about how she could just leave me and the children and do it in front of them.

As time goes' by it does get better I promise, but it is a slow process.

I lost my twin sister to suicide. 34 hears with her and I can't say that I let her death consume me. Am I sad? Of course. But life goes on. Suck it up.

Been through something similar. If you don't keep busy then you will sit around obsessing over it and that is the very worse thing you can do. Keep busy.


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Oops, don't know what it is about threads like this but my vision seems to go in and out of focus.

.... I'll still take two.

hiya OP

I want to say that how you are feeling is very normal in your situation, given that your partner only died one month ago.

Your loss is extremely recent, and you have a process of grief to go through yet.

When someone you love dearly dies, you feel numb at first, then you go through lots of different stages of grief, and each stage needs to be recognised and acknowledged and worked through.

I know that suicide is usually much harder to come to terms with, than other deaths, because of all the feelings of guilt and responsibility that the partner who is left behind has to deal with.

I have a cool little book that i was given many years ago, when my dad died. It is callled "Good Grief" by Granger. G. Westberg. i don't know if it is still available, but if not, there would be other similar books that are available.

Each chapter in this book explains a stage in the grief process:

Stage 1; We are in a state of shock.

Stage 2; We express emotion

Stage 3; We feel depressed and very lonely

Stage 4; We may experience physical symptoms of distress

Stage 5; We may become panicky

Stage 6; We feel a sense of guilt about the loss

Stage 7; We are filled with hostility and resentment

Stage 8; Weunable to return to usual activities

Stage 9; Gradually hope comes through

Stage 10; We struggle to readjust to reality

"These stages are the normal process through which most people must go as they face up to their loss."
"But every person does not necessarily go through all these stages, nor does a person necessarily go through them in this order."

Do you live near a library, because if you could handle doing some reading, i bet there would be some good books there, about loss/grief, and in particular, loss of a loved one through suicide.

Just remember it is extremely early days for you, and it is normal to feel the way you do right now.

Lots of love xxx

Counseling is good. I found a gal who was real and who only charged 25 dollars each month, that is all I had so I went once a month . She helped tremendously. Specialized in adults abused as children, all issues were tied together.
I made it about 8 weeks on my own, no one cared, had to find a counselor, I highly recommend it.
I've lost 2 people, my DH 1.
It will get better. Give yourself a year.

You are grieving, grief can be devastating

When you lose a partner or spouse it is a level of grief is very deep.

I recommend you find a grief counselor or a young widows and widowers or suicide survivors group in your area. Having some one to talk to who just listens and doesn't try to help or tell you it will get better is great but knowing that you are not alone in your grief is really amazing. In group you don't feel like a freak. We had people whose spouses/ partners had committed suicide.

When my husband died suddenly 10 years ago I did both. I wasn't a stranger to death but I was a novice at profound grief. The therapist and the group helped me get through the dark periods in a way friends and family can't.

Hugs and prayers

Here, OP :( Watch this raw and honest vid from Patriotnurse who also lost her man, no they weren't married yet, but still qualifies herself as a widow and that sounds right.
Maybe you could email her too for some sharing of your experiences. For her it's been 1 1/2 years. I know that circumstances are different between you, but you know that really doesn't matter so much when it comes to grieving .. she is a lovely person as I'm certain you must be as well.

Only someone who has never grieved a loved one would say something like that. He'll change his tune when it happens to him in any form..maybe then there will be some compassion and depth to his presently juvenile soul.

Too much quelled sibling rivalry and a bit of survivor's pride. Watch out.

Wow, sweetie, you've got a triple whammy going there:

1) Death of loved one

2) Loss of relationship

3) Motivation for the suicide is a mystery--there were no signs, and apparently he didn't leave a note or you would have said.

First, IGNORE the haters on this thread. Wow--talk about miserable people who have nothing to do but be mean to grieving people--THEY need therapy.

Second, which sounds easy but will actually be hard to sustain: Tell yourself "I am going to be okay." You will doubt this some days, so I would suggest making it a ritual, like with your first cup of coffee or when you drive home from work. You need your friends/fam to tell you that you are going to be okay, but they will forget to tell you or get busy again or figure you already know or are over it long before you are. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.
Just say it. You will believe it in time.

Third, consider that you might regress a bit while trying to adjust to this unusual experience. If you begin having trouble with self-care--eating, grooming, sleeping--get someone to stay with you if you live alone. Maybe a niece or grad student would like free rent for a bit. Living alone, it will take a lot longer for new voices to replace the old in the atmosphere of your dwelling place. Having a busy person around you will show you that life goes on instead of you just having to accept people telling you that it does. Hope that makes sense. (But DON'T let a low-energy person in--that will keep you down).

Fourth, don't set yourself up to fail by thinking you have to have this grieving done in a year or three or ever. Heck, most of us miss our deceased dogs decades later, even though we've owned a few more dogs since then. The memories will be fond. Be glad for that (see #5).

Fifth, regarding the fact that he did not prepare you for this sudden single-dom. I would say wear the diamond until you are ready to date; don't date until you are ready to put the ring away. Don't force it. Be aware that your boyfriend-picker will not be working in your best interest for a while. It has to be recalibrated first. Making a scrapbook of your photos, event ticket stubs, things like that would be a good act of closure. During this activity, you could cultivate an attitude of gratitude for the time you had together.

Sixth, about the reason for the suicide. It is a reason that is between him and the Lord. Don't pry--it will make you crazy guessing wrong over and over and over again. Sure, maybe he had a mental illness or horrible secret or sudden impulse or a combination of these plus other things--you see? That puzzle is like a Rubik's cube. There is no magic key that will pull it all together for you. Because one question will lead to another, so ask the more productive questions: What doors does this close for me (maybe a hobby you shared that you don't want to do without him)? What doors does it open (maybe a move you wouldn't have made with him)? Consider your options, but don't spend all your time stuck between stop and go. Take baby steps--you love to read but the library wasn't his bag? Spend one evening a week at the library.

An ex-boss of mine that I really admired committed suicide; he was a very successful and seemingly well-adjusted man--he did it soon after receiving a cancer diagnosis. I'm sure he saw himself as being "practical." He was not a tortured soul. But it was rumored he was also getting caught out in an affair; if so, then also he couldn't face the loss of reputation and potential divorce. There are as many reasons for suicide as there are for murder. People should not make assumptions about other people's "state of mind." It just makes you feel guilty, and that is not necessary. You didn't do it (unless you bullied him until he snapped, in which case you would not be the type of person to suffer over his death, let alone post here).

God will use this time in your life to prepare you for the next chapter. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

Yes keep wearing your ring, just like this poster says.

things are what they are, belief does not affect what is.
Suicide is a bad solution.

I have lost many loved ones. It doesn't get easier. Perhaps it does remind us how precious life is.

you said it ten times better than I could.

So sorry for your loss.

Time will pass, and you will find your way out of the abyss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I' in a similar situation to your partner. I've had my life turned upside down through emergency surgery and an ongoing chronic illness. I've become such a burden to my family I could only see suicide as the the way out.

Fortunately I somehow found the strength to carry on, and you will too. I found a couple of books really helped me, one being 'Gamma Healing', the other called 'Mind Over Mood'. I can totally understand your partner's situation but it's important to remember that it isn't your fault and I'm sure he genuinely felt he was doing the right thing, it's almost impossible to see things clearly when you're shrouded in depression.

Thing's will get better, slowly. The key is to not look too far back, or too far forward. Set yourself small goals for each day and live for the moment.

I can barely imagine the pain you must feel but you will come out the other side a stronger person. Sending you all my thoughts and love.

You fight.
You take up the cause.
What for, you decide.
Because I'm selfish, I'm going to suggest fighting against whatever they were struggling with.

Personally I'm not the mental-health type, I think drugs and brainwashing is a bad thing, so I'd fight against specifically whatever it was they had issues with.

- unfairness
- lack of justice
- lack of an open society
- bullying
- past abuse
- boredom
- etc.

I forgot to add that meditation helped me a lot, the more you practice meditation the more you are able to seperate and control your thoughts. With practice you will learn how to filter the negative.

I see depression as a terminal illness just like cancer, it can be cured but it's a long, tough battle and sadly not everybody can make that journey. You can sink so far into negative thought that suicide appears the only way out. Please don't blame him for it and learn to live with the fact it is a tragic side effect of suffering of depression and he is now free of the pain and burden that made life so difficult for him. This is not your fault. Sometime's no amount of talking or soul searching can save someone, you cannot blame yourself for any part of his decision.

This reply is amazing, thank you so so much, you are such a fantastic person for taking the time to post this. My faith in America has been restored....

Thank you very much for your posts, I have gained alot from what you said, thankyou

Oh no, 21 years, I am very sorry....thankyou so much for your post

Thankyou Datwa Satso for posting this, she is right on!

Hello fellow Kiwi, thankyou for that, when I can I will get to the library, you are right

Thats just not human......

Recover as quick as you can, your next love needs you badly.

My wife is a alcoholic, every time she drinks I think she is killing herself. Let this be the day you look back on as day one of life goes on, tell yourself you have learned to live with it! find others in similar boat, get back to life as you know it,,yes, there are people like you with something like that in there past!

I lost my partner 10 years ago to suicide. He hung himself. It is only in the past couple of years that I do not think about it daily. I was diagnosed with PTSD and had to have counselling. The grieving process with suicide is a lot more complex than with any other type of death, the feelings of shame, blame, anger, shock etc. are magnified. You are now a 'suicide survivor'. Google the term and do some research on it. I don't think you ever get over something like this, it just becomes part of the fabric of your soul. It DOES become easier though but very slowly. Give yourself time, you must go through a long process. Know that whatever you had done you could not change the outcome, if someone wants to leave they will, it's their choice. Don't let others comments infiltrate your psyche, they are not in your position and have no right to judge. You will come out the other end a much wiser person. Sending love to you. Xxxxx

Not a partner, but i lost my mum in June, she killed herself because she lost her job and got hit by the bedroom tax (UK) around the same time, i'm still not done being angry, even though i am in acceptance i'm still angry, not at my mum, but....you get the drift, i won't rest until i see justice served, let's leave it at that, much loss and pain still to come.