HELP!!! I'm Starting to HATE my Step Kids!!!!!

sorry, but i make decent and sometimes wise decisions.

I don't doubt that you do, but this gal is venting and asking for some kind words and support. Nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with being weak once in a while. Happens to the best of us.

They are picking up on the vibes that you hate them, I would leave dirty dishes for you too.

The man needs to step up and tell those kids his woman is not to be treated with disrespect she is worthy of their respect her requests are not be taken lightly or there will be consequences!!!!

Children belong to mind their elders. They aren't paying rent or buying their clothing, or buying the food. If she is their guardian and told them to wash dishes, they should have washed the damn dishes. Kids these days have no respect whatsover. They need to be thankful they have a house to live in, clothing and food to eat and two people who care for them. So many kids don't have that.

I agree, but it is hard to stand behind the step when they are calling your child names and yelling at them. "HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, ARE YOU DEAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe I'd be tempted to sit down and have a heart to heart. As in, I haven't been well, and I need your help. I want to like you, but when you do xxxx, xxx, or xxxx, it makes me feel like you don't care if I like you. I think enough of you to want you to be able to deal with life when you're on your own, so there are going to be some changes.

From now on, your shoes go here, your clothes go there, and dishes will be washed when you've dirtied them.

A computer, games, whatever, is a privelige, not a right. When you follow the rules for x amount of time, you'll earn these things back. One at a time.

For the constant complainer/chatterer, I'd be tempted to tell him if he can't say something nice, then say nothing at all. If he has a complaint, write it down, give it to you, and you'll keep them, think it over, and get back to him.

I feel so bad for you, and something has to be done before they drive you crazy. It's hard enough when you're feeling well, but being sick it has to be so much worse. Good luck.

Have sex with them. If I had a step mom I would want to have sex with her. That would motivate me to do whatever she wants.

If you're feeling real charitable, you might also have some paper plates on hand. If you're not, maybe they could earn the money to buy the paper plates and cups, saving dishwashing.

When the step parent crosses the line to calling names, telling the kid that they are worthless, etc. I will not stand for it. I think an above poster is correct. The step should stop with the intense conflict and the natural parent should be the one to handle it.

I use to have problems with them eating uncooked noodle rawmen. They would break it off into bits and leave little pieces of it all over the house, it would be on the kitchen counters, the rug, the floor, the computer desk, the living room floor. It was EVERYWHERE! I picked it up for a few days and said something about it and asked Dad to say something about it. Nothing changed for WEEKS. Then one day I told them if I found one more piece of noodle rawmen I was going to start putting it in their beds. So far THAT has worked, but nothing with the dishes has. I CAN'T STAND IT!

I've never said anything mean to them or called them names. I save it for here.

duh...you don't think they pick up on that.

Ooooh, I like the paper plate & plastic cup idea ! But of course you're going to have to feed yourself and your husband off real plates. Then again, they are teenagers, they wont care much, it will just be easier on you. You are being made out to be the evil step monster. Make your husband step up ! I'm telling you, next time they need their laundry done, bring them both over to the washer, and show them both how to run both machines, then maybe even tape directions to both on the wall above them, so they can read the directions themselves. Do you have a dishwasher ? If yes, as soon as they are both finished eating, tell them to immediately rise their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. It's that easy. You can do it, but if you let the mess sit around, then so will they. If you want to make them interchange dish washing night, then immediately after dinner, one of them gets to work in the kitchen. Like other poster said, the computer goes off and stays off untill kitchen is cleaned. These are all things that will prepare them for adult hood, and taking care of themselves. It's time for them to learn responsibility anyway. Get cracking woman !!

NO role on the face of this earth...is harder to fill, than being a step parent...NONE...I had the same situation, I had a daughter, he had two boys....what they told us in counseling, was that it was his responsibility to take care of, and discipline his kids, and my responsibility to take care of mine, and for each of us to back the other one up...Those kids need to learn to trust that adults WILL DO as they say they will, take allowances(what are they getting allowances for?) take the computer...strip everything down to bare bones...no goodies, iow...apparently they don't have any respect....your husband needs to get into the act and straighten his kids up...throw the damned dishes out..let them eat on paper plates if they insist on making a mess...you are very ill...what the hell kind of a man did you marry..??? I don't give a shit how much you love him...Tell him you are leaving unless things change..then, IF they don't... don't threaten...DO IT!!

Advice for any single parents out there. Don't get remarried. Just have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Once the kids are grown and gone, then find a suitable mate for a long term relationship.

as the marines say.. "adapt and overcome"

OP, Do you have any grown children of your own? I am asking this because of the ages of his childen. Did I miss somewhere you telling about your own children?

Sounds similar to the sitch my brother is in. His soon to be ex wife is a lazy slob, does not clean, cook and spends all her time after work playing world of warcraft (and socializing on the puter with her internet bF). His step son almost burnt down my brother's house one night, and brother got very angry at him. In retaliation the next day the step son vandalized the basement of the home in which my brother called the cops (can't blame bro for that one). Both of his step kids do not do any house work, and the mom does not enforce it. It is a sad situation.

Your husband is the problem...he could be mcuh more demanding of them and much more ferocious. He is giving you lip-service about disciplining them. If they were my kids and they acted that way I would treat the house like fucking boot camp and make them beg for a fraction of the freedom they used to take for granted. Pussy husband.

Yes, I had them young at 16. They grew up to be healthy adults who can take good care of themselves.

My is a nurse, she is 24. My son is in the Coast Gaurd, he is 22.

They did their chores growing up and did backsass or be little lazy asses like my step-sons.

My daughter lives out of State. Son is here and I seem him often.

I was very wary about having step kids, but when I got married I thought it would be wonderful.

YIKES! sorry to hear that.

Living under constant criticism by a step parent wears down the child and the biological parent. No one wants to live in a home full of conflict. There needs to be an answer to the problem that does not involve constant conflict with yelling, name calling, and the like. If the child feels hated, it hurts the biological parents heart. A biological parent feels a strong emotional connection to a child. We inately protect our cub from emotional harm. It puts us in the middle. We can see both sides of the issue and agree with the child feeling hurt and with the step about the issue at hand.

That is a bad situation, but the OP is worked up over a dirty dish, not serious problems like your brother is dealing with.

Oh well you might as well hang me as well as OP. Kids of that age are a NIGHTMARE!!!!! How you cope when they aren't even yours is amazing.

I really have to pull out the stops now because it is clear that I haven't trained my 15yo at all well.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that it is because you are a step parent, they are reserving their worst behaviour for you. . . they behave that way for everyone.

Their mother has put up with this for years and has probably "given up" - worn out by the effort.

Some basic guidelines (do what I say - not do what I do )

1. Get them off to bed as early as you can. You have to be firm here.

2. Your priority should be the 15yo, because once you have him in check it will be easier to get the 11yo to come around.

3. Reduce the amount of starch/sugar you feed them. Cut out fizzy drinks, sugared drinks etc.

4. The big negotiating tool for 15yo boys is their computer play. If he steps out of line, ration the amount of DVD's and games. Severely if need be. (remind him that its now or never for schooling/reading/studying etc)

5. For every half assed chore - 1/2 hour comes off his bedroom time.

6. Always eat a meal as a family (easier said than done), but this makes it easier for you to monitor activities.

Those are good starting points - oh, also feed the 15yo zinc and fish oil suppliments - those will help his mood.

Now just in case you think I run the best house in the world know that my 15yo knows how to run his own shower and he knows how to put cereal in a bowl. Everything else is beyond him at this stage - baby steps, baby steps.

How many times do I have to tell you I have never yelled or called them names?

I have asked them nicely to put their dishes in the dishwasher or bring down their own laundry baskets. I have never shown them anger.

I got exhasperated this weekend and asked them why they were still unable to put their dishes away. My husband jumped up and started doing it for him. I don't think he should. I think it DAMN DISRESPECTFUL for them to leave dished laying around for someone else to come do.

I ask them if I look like the cleaning fairy and they just laugh.

I hope things do get better for you as well as for my situation. It is very difficult on everyone in a blended family.

I wonder if you feel that you must some how in a short time fix his kids to be more like you children. Do you feel like a "failure" somehow because of their lack of character? You did not have a hand in their upbringing until just recently. I think that you are torturing yourself over principle instead of clean dishes. You may be just making yourself sick. Just hire the housekeeper and let your husband be the one responsible for how horrible they turn out. Kids from some of the best families turn out to be the worst. Some kids from the worst social situations turn out to be the best. Don't let the issue with the kids lead you to a divorce or early grave.

OP, my advice to you is to just forget about it, blow it off. Life is too short. Your husband isn't going to step up or he already would have. You're allowing yourself to become angry at those kids who need your love and attention and for you to really like them and be their friend. You're blaming your husband's ex wife when it's clear he never has enforced the children minding and still is unable to do so, and probably only goes through the motions now to placate you. Really - he doesn't care, he's just trying to keep the peace with YOU.

So...blow it off. Get yourself used to the idea that there's extra dishes to do when the kids are there. That you've married a spineless wimp who doesn't enforce bedtimes or limit computer time for his children's own good, and will never care about being a real father other than the show he puts on to placate you.

Don't get yourself worked up about it anymore. Let it all go. Better for your health. Just be happy.

YOU CHOSE THESE PEOPLE. YOU DID.

Love them.

You know, if one of those kids got hit by a car and killed tomorrow you'd just be eaten up with guilt about not spending more quality time with them and about how upset you got about these little things.

Love your people. Tell them a hundred times each time with a sweet smile those same things over and over and really mean that smile.

And if you don't find any things to like about their mom, who is also a human being, who also got sick of putting up with their useless father, the children will never improve. I'm sure they sense your vitriol towards their mom. Hey, it's their MOM! DUH!

Empty your heart of all that hatred and anger and just let it all go. Things will improve for you when YOU CHILL, and YOU RELAX, and YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON instead of a hateful resentful 'wicked' stepmother.

What is the solution of hiring a housekeeper to clean up behind two mentally sound teen boys doing for their long term benefit? So, when they grow up and move into their own place, making a modest wage just starting out, then it's fine to live like a slop because mom will hire a housekeeper for us to come clean it up? This attachment non parenting crap is turing out weak kids who can't pour piss out of a boot.

So sorry, I though that you understood that he is doing that to my children. I am the biological parent caught in the middle.