CONTEST! Now Closed, Voting poll now open! (Click to find link)

It's an innie.

:VOTECLAMSHOCK: :VOTECLAMSHOCK: :VOTECLAMSHOCK:

It all started when our over-heralded star, Dr. Acula, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally pleased, Dr. Acula punched a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unsatisfying minutes later, he realized that his beloved Tomato Plant was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Brian Moran. Dr. Acula had known Brian Moran for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Brian Moran was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... insensitive. Dr. Acula called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Brian Moran picked up to a very happy Dr. Acula. Brian Moran calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters cringe before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually sassily panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dr. Acula. Why was Brian Moran trying to distract Dr. Acula? Because he had snuck out from Dr. Acula's with the Tomato Plant only eleven days prior. It was a flamboyant little Tomato Plant... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dr. Acula got back to the subject at hand: his Tomato Plant. Brian Moran yawned. Relunctantly, Brian Moran invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Tomato Plant. Dr. Acula grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Brian Moran realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Tomato Plant and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Dr. Acula took the Jap Trap, he had take at least ten minutes before Dr. Acula would get there. But if he took the Comet Ison? Then Brian Moran would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Brian Moran was interrupted by four funny-smelling GrammerTards that were lured by his Tomato Plant. Brian Moran belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he aimlessly reached for his dull pencil and carefully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Comet Ison rolling up. It was Dr. Acula.



As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Dr. Acula was out of the Comet Ison and went earnestly jaunting toward Brian Moran's front door. Meanwhile inside, Brian Moran was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Tomato Plant into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Brian Moran was pleased but at least the Tomato Plant was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Brian Moran scandalously purred. With a calculated push, Dr. Acula opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive beer-sloshed tool in a Jap Trap,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Brian Moran assured him. Dr. Acula took a seat tragically close to where Brian Moran had hidden the Tomato Plant. Brian Moran turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dr. Acula was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Brian Moran noticed a oafish look on Dr. Acula's face. Dr. Acula slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Brian Moran felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Dr. Acula asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Tomato Plant right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Dr. Acula's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dr. Acula nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Brian Moran could react, Dr. Acula fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Tomato Plant was plainly in view.

Dr. Acula stared at Brian Moran for what what must've been two seconds. Absolutely thrilled, Brian Moran groped earnestly in Dr. Acula's direction, clearly desperate. Dr. Acula grabbed the Tomato Plant and bolted for the door. It was locked. Brian Moran let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dr. Acula,' he rebuked. Brian Moran always had been a little annoying, so Dr. Acula knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Brian Moran did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his Tomato Plant tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Brian Moran looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dr. Acula. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dr. Acula. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Brian Moran walked over to the window and looked down. Dr. Acula was gone.


Just yonder, Dr. Acula was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Brian Moran's place. Dr. Acula had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral GrammerTards suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Tomato Plant. One by one they latched on to Dr. Acula. Already weakened from his injury, Dr. Acula yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of GrammerTards running off with his Tomato Plant.

About nine hours later, Dr. Acula awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Dr. Acula did not know where he was. Deep in the uninhabited magical cornfield, Dr. Acula was really lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his Tomato Plant was taken by the GrammerTards. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized GrammerTard emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha GrammerTard. Dr. Acula opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the GrammerTard sunk its teeth into Dr. Acula's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Dr. Acula's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than six miles away, Brian Moran was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Tomato Plant. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Dr. Acula... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Tomato Plant that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant GrammerTards, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(


Sorry got a bit dark at the end :(

Pissing pants now.

Haiku contest required...

This isnt a haiku contest.

The OP has the details on what type of contest this is.

I was KIDDING Dr.!

Im not mad

I vote CalmShock, was funny and had pic's

Day X - Just another Day.

It is dim and quiet in the smoke filled void.
A high-pitched sound and a whispering noise is coming from that lurid corner at the end of the tunnel.

I try to approach the light, the humming cubus, the crying coil to perfom that unique procedure to open sesame.

Slowly I move towards the familiar while I look around as being there for the first time.
I am blind.
I am desoriented.

But there is this distinct sound to guide you towards that warm block that you seem to spend so much time with.

"Click" and a white glare appears over my face totally melting my pupils to little dots like a newborn opening his eyes for the first time in his life.

Some shades, some colors, then I am finally able to decipher some reading:

"I am an extraterrestrial, ask me a question and I will respond".

I take a deep breath and lean back on my executive chair.


Just another day in paradise...



- MaTV

What the “GLP” elite are staying silent about (pin this puppy!)



For those that are lucky enough to read this before this thread is removed I want you to know that ever last bit is true and you are reading this because it is your undeniable destiny).
Honestly!
The other night I was outside watching for UFOs or meteors when I saw a huge contrail streak across the sky. I didn’t get a picture but I am sure more reports will follow. I fell into a trance in order to discern what was happening and I began to remote-view my own out of body experience.
It was trippy to say the least!
My spirit body was whisked away into a spaceship orbiting near a planet hidden behind lens flare.
I was placed on a flat table by several beings dressed all in white.
They seemed angelic and had a very calming aura despite the fact they were strapping me down. They told me to remain calm. They told me the meaning of life, the ultimate knowledge to be discerned. I finally understood everything! (And I mean everything!) It was the name of all that we seek, all that we strive to discover, all that we wish beyond all hope is real!
The key and meaning to life was……………….Moran!

Please shout this name from every corner of the Earth! Let the wind carry your voice and send this wonderful healing knowledge to all!!
Moran! Moran! MORAN!!!!!!

some very excellent entries so far!

Bumping this mother fucker one more time before I go out to... dinner.

Then, bump it good Dr. A.

Thumping

Stumping

Churn and Burn.

Bump dat motherfucker till the roof comes down.

Noone's going to believe this, but it's true.

One evening, a few years ago, I was pretty pissed at a couple of guys from another forum and heard they were on voice chat at GLP. I felt it was a set up to get me there, because they asked a poster nicknamed strawberry girl, to invite me. But I went and shortly afterwards proceeded to lash out at the two guys for accusing me of shit.

We behaved very intensly. They believed I had the power to change other people's behavior with suggestion and I was convinced they needed to leave me alone, for good. About the time I had enough, they started chanting some crazy shit, so I forced the psychological concept they would die the next day if anything happened to me, then logged off. Being familiar with them, I was aware the power of suggestion ruled the world.

The next day the news ran a story where two people died in a spiritual ceremony the exact time we were in VC making death suggestions to each other. If you drew a line on a map between the two guys' location and myself, that was the location of the deaths.

I was still pretty wired and hyper-aware but went about my day. A few minutes after I logged onto GLP after arriving home, my phone rang. When I answered it, two male strangers asked me if I heard about the two people who were killed in the ceremony. They suggested my previous nights' chant was the reason. I hung up the phone.

I'll never forget the power between GLP and suggestion.

There are things that go in the night ;)

I remember that! That was the night you killed me........

Your balls in the evening
your balls in the morn
I like to play your penis, as though it were a horn.

When I wake, I see them, glistening in the sun
I would like to insert them into my bum
Drizzle them with chocolate, or peanut butter, or soak them in rum..( rum balls, bahahaha)
I would lick them and lick them until I made them cum.

Your balls in the moonlight...
on a restless eve
I wish I had a pair, to hang upon my sleeve
They would wiggle and jiggle and bounce with every stride
and I would display them with enormous pride.

Your balls never look too flat or too round,
I hope one day they don't drag on the ground.
If the day ever comes that they are sweeping floor
i hope you know, that I will want them even more.
Droopy or saggy or flat as can be,
I will still love them
They are part of me.

Happy Valentines Day


Little bit dirty, but funny

This kind of excludes someone with writers block.

Do you mean me? It's quite eloquent really. Not to mention it hits on many topics. Pride, food, sex, ever lasting, love, kindness, appreciation of the aging process. The real beauty is loving someone no matter what. I think you are taking it at face value and really not letting your heart and mind feel the words.

Write a short story about being excluded because of writer's block.

No, I was talking about myself only. <--writers block