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What's the best joke you've ever heard?

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 7075437
United States
08/21/2013 12:31 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
My Dick is so pretty you can suck it with the lights on.
Person445 (OP)
The West Coast Truth

User ID: 41756472
Canada
08/21/2013 12:36 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I'll start it off with one of my favorites:

The first time I had sex was a frightening experience... it was dark and I was all alone
 Quoting: Person445


You know who it came from, right?

norespect
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 32057893


Yes I know that.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 45491886
Australia
08/21/2013 12:36 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
An old married couple who are too old for sex still like to enjoy eachother by sitting together on the sofa and holding eachothers genitals.

One day the wife comes home from bingo and finds the husband on the sofa with another old lady, genitals in hand.

Furios, she screams "What's she got that I haven't got?!"

...

"Parkinsons"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 45470589
08/21/2013 12:38 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
how do germans tie their shoes?






little knotzies!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 7075437
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08/21/2013 12:39 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Jiu-jitsu? Listen here, I'm a republican, I don't lay on my back with a man in between my legs.
Person445 (OP)
The West Coast Truth

User ID: 41756472
Canada
08/21/2013 12:39 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I'll start it off with one of my favorites:

The first time I had sex was a frightening experience... it was dark and I was all alone
 Quoting: Person445


You know who it came from, right?

norespect
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 32057893


Yes I know that.
 Quoting: Person445


Did you hear about the man who went to the doctor and asked him for advice on how to improve his sex life?

The doctor told him to jog ten miles a day, for seven days. Then call him. A week later, the man telephoned.

"Well," asked the doctor, "Has jogging improved your sex life?"

"I don't know," said the man. "I'm seventy miles from home."

chuckle
 Quoting: Kinga


This one's also from Dangerfield

Last Edited by Person445 on 08/21/2013 12:39 AM
In bed with wife
User ID: 23685938
United States
08/21/2013 12:41 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Turtle joke was the absolute best... But

On a Florida beach, a black man, a Mexican and a white man were walking when they discovered (and rubbed) what turned out to be a magic lamp. The genie, which appeared, agreed to grant them each one wish. Being pc, the genie had the black man go first. "All I want is for my people, all of them, to be back in Africa, rich and happy." Done said the genie and 'poof' the black man disappeared.

Next was the Mexican's turn. "All I want" he said "is for my people to be back in Mexico, rich and Happy". And 'poof', the he disappeared.

"OK," said the genie to the white man, "it's your turn".

"Let me get this straight," he replied. "All the African Americans are back in Africa?"

"Yes." said the genie.

"And all of the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

"Yes." said the genie.

The white man thought for a moment and replied... "I'll have a Coke."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 7075437
United States
08/21/2013 12:46 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Turtle joke was the absolute best... But

On a Florida beach, a black man, a Mexican and a white man were walking when they discovered (and rubbed) what turned out to be a magic lamp. The genie, which appeared, agreed to grant them each one wish. Being pc, the genie had the black man go first. "All I want is for my people, all of them, to be back in Africa, rich and happy." Done said the genie and 'poof' the black man disappeared.

Next was the Mexican's turn. "All I want" he said "is for my people to be back in Mexico, rich and Happy". And 'poof', the he disappeared.

"OK," said the genie to the white man, "it's your turn".

"Let me get this straight," he replied. "All the African Americans are back in Africa?"

"Yes." said the genie.

"And all of the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

"Yes." said the genie.

The white man thought for a moment and replied... "I'll have a Coke."
 Quoting: In bed with wife 23685938


^This

Gotta love boondock saints
In bed with wife
User ID: 23685938
United States
08/21/2013 12:51 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Turtle joke was the absolute best... But

On a Florida beach, a black man, a Mexican and a white man were walking when they discovered (and rubbed) what turned out to be a magic lamp. The genie, which appeared, agreed to grant them each one wish. Being pc, the genie had the black man go first. "All I want is for my people, all of them, to be back in Africa, rich and happy." Done said the genie and 'poof' the black man disappeared.

Next was the Mexican's turn. "All I want" he said "is for my people to be back in Mexico, rich and Happy". And 'poof', the he disappeared.

"OK," said the genie to the white man, "it's your turn".

"Let me get this straight," he replied. "All the African Americans are back in Africa?"

"Yes." said the genie.

"And all of the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

"Yes." said the genie.

The white man thought for a moment and replied... "I'll have a Coke."
 Quoting: In bed with wife 23685938


^This

Gotta love boondock saints
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 7075437


Sorry for not footnoting... Knew I shouda churchlady

Do luv them saints
Interested_1

User ID: 30318195
United States
08/21/2013 01:06 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Why did the whale cross the road?

To get to the other tide!

-------------

Where do dolphins go when they are running short on cash?

Loan sharks. Or prawn shops.

:-)
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift ~ that's why we call it the present!
Astral Goat
From the deep space petting zoo...

User ID: 33435073
United States
08/21/2013 01:13 AM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
I love Rodney dangerfield jokes!!!!
[link to nextgenfmradio.com] the hottest sounds with DJ. Space Goat
[link to nextgenfmradio.com] NEXTCAST Weather Reports
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 13927506
United States
08/21/2013 01:15 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Mubarak Hussien Obama bin Biden announces he will be seeking a third term now that Weiner Holder are on board for a 2016 ticket.

Welcome to bullshit world.

Hail Obama fuck tards.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 42309393
08/21/2013 01:38 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
How do Kiwis find sheep in long grass ?
Very nice
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 42309393
08/21/2013 01:46 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Two lions are walking single file through the jungle, every couple of minutes with a big slurp the one at the back licks the others ass,when he turns around and says "will you stop doing that its getting annoying" the other replied "sorry mate I just swallowed a pom and im trying to get the taste outta my mouth"
Stink Finger

User ID: 11514741
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08/21/2013 01:49 AM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
Do not click if your easily offended. Funny as hell to me!
Not sure how to embed a you tube video.

[youtube] [link to m.youtube.com]
It represents my belief in personal freedom and my sense of individuality.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 45019828
United States
08/21/2013 02:50 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
When is bedtime in Neverland?


When the big hand touches the little hand.
 Quoting: Rigel



How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?

There will be a row of tricycles parked out front...
Footballwife

User ID: 18825272
United States
08/21/2013 03:07 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
One day a girl was washing her clothes. She took her shirt... wishy washy wishy washy. Looks clean feels clean, sniff smells clean.

Then she took her pants... wishy washy wishy washy. Looks clean feels clean, sniff smells clean.

Then she took her underpants... wishy washy wishy washy. Looks clean feels clean SNIFF!!! Ummm... wishy washy wishy washy!!!!!!!
Footballwife
deathpossum
Don't paint me bro

User ID: 13632005
United States
08/21/2013 11:57 PM

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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
...


I got creamed by an ambulance in front of that place on my bike one night in Jan 2001. Honestly, I was going to cafe Abir to study for CCSF and just got flattened...got free drinks there for the longest time since they all betted I was dead. The garten was the bomb for sure!
 Quoting: deathpossum


there used to be a string with a bell on the wall - ring to get weed from a guy living upstairs - he would lower it down in a basket
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer


LOL! That doesn't surprise me. I didn't go there much in the day...was on a moto trip in 2007 and managed to have a few on Duc bike night. I was glad to see some things stay the same in SF.
 Quoting: deathpossum


A funny bit of trivia for you -

The owner of Zeitgeist is also the owner of The Rainbow Cattle Company in Guerneville in Sonoma - definitely NOT a biker bar or a cowboy bar...;)
 Quoting: Rev StarGazer



I am Jack's complete lack of surprise...it's obviously a benefit being across from Monroe Motors and the best bike shop Scuderia....Just like the coffee mafia owns all the shops on the Haight ;)

Edit for SF being the most superficial city I have lived in...but fun times anyways :D

Edit again to say that the true SF natives are the most genuine peeps ever. My preggers girlfriend born and raised on the haight is the most awesome honest and true girl I have ever been with...

Last Edited by deathpossum on 08/22/2013 12:03 AM
"There's Nothing in the Middle of the Road but Yellow Stripes and Dead Armadillos"
-Jim Hightower
Rev StarGazer

User ID: 37891955
United States
08/22/2013 03:53 PM
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Re: What's the best joke you've ever heard?
If you get married in Arkansas

have children in Oklahoma

and get divorced in Texas

are you still brother and sister?
“If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace

"But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you." - Job 12:7,8

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

revstargazer (at) hotmail.com

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