2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout:

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

:/ (crickets in the distance)

Two blonds are walking down the sidewalk, one of them spies a compact laying on the ground and opens it up. She says" that person looks familiar", the other blond says, "here give me it, you idiot that's me"!

This was almost as good as the original joke.

I always liked this one.
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

What is it when one blonde blows into another blondes ear?

DATA TRANSFER.

Sweet!

So right after that a piece rope goes im to a bar to have a drink. Before he can even order the bartender screams at him, "Get the hell out of my bar. You are a damn rope, and I despise ropes. I'll never serve a drink to a damn rope."

Undaunted the rope left, stepped into an alley, tied himself into a big knot, seperated the strands at each end of himself and bushed his two ends into a tangled mess. He then returnd to the bar, ordered a double Glen Livet single malt and grape Koolaid on the rocks. As the bartender was mixing the Koolaid for the drink he suddenly looked up suspiciously and said, "Are you a damned rope?"

The rope replied, "I am afraid not."


(For any Obama supporters tyrying to puzzle out the the punch line I'll just tell you. It is a play on the words, "frayed knot.")

ya we meet a lot of strangers calling wrong numbers LOL

My uncle nearly died because he took an overdose of vitamin c pills, after misreading the following simple instruction on the label:

TAKE ONCE A DAY

What do you get when you cross a parrot and centipeed? A walkie talkie!!!!!!!!

There is a hysterical take off on the GM OnStar program called BlondeStar. I can't embed it, but it's located at: [link to beemp3.com]

Go to the middle of the left side of the page and you can play and download it.

Probably only Canadians will get this.

In Newfoundland today a small two seat Cessna crashed in to a cemetery, as of this hour 50 bodies have been recovered with more expected to follow.

You made me spit my fruitloops out!

what do you call two black guys in a cotton field?

antique farm equipment.

(Once in Spanish = 11)

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221"



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too ?'



A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Ha,Ha,Ha, yep, gotta get back to the basics.

when i die, i want to go like my grandfather.

peacefully, quietly, in bed.

not like the passengers in his car, all screaming and crying

One Aggie calls another and says "Hey, let's go out tonight and paint the town"

The other Aggie says "Naw, I got a case of diarrhea".

First one says "Well, bring it along and we'll drink it"

Two morans are walking alongside the train tracks when they find a human leg. The first moran says "That looks like Joe's leg!" The second moran says "That is Joe's leg!"

A little further down, they find a human arm. The first moran says "That looks like Joe's arm!" The second moran says "That is Joe's arm!"

A little further down they find a human head. The first moran says "That looks like Joe's head!" The second moran picks up the head and says "Joe, Joe, are you hurt?!"

awesome thread thanks all!

Wow! Great job GLP!!! Proud of you.
Here's to fun

LOL! Thanks for clarifying that!

This cracks me up, LOL!